Welcome to 5 Minutes Or Less, a script breakdown for only the biggest blockbusters on the big and small screen, giving you hundreds of millions of dollars worth of explosive big screen action in less than 300 seconds worth of reading or your money back. (You didn’t pay for this, so there’s nothing to refund here.)
In this edition, what with Season 7 set to arrive in just a few weeks, why not buckle up as we get into top gear to take a gander at Game Of Thrones Seasons 1 to 6.
If you haven’t read them yet, here are our 5 Minute Or Less breakdowns of Alien: Covenant, Wonder Woman, Logan, Beauty & The Beast, Fast & Furious 8 and the first four seasons of House Of Cards.
Oh, and obviously, SPOILERS!
FADE UP.
SEASON ONE.
INT. COLD CASTLE. DAY.
KING ROBERT: Sean Bean, I want you to be my right hand man!
SEAN BEAN: If you have ever seen anything I’ve ever been in, you’d know I’m not going to be around long enough to keep that job.
KING ROBERT: Well, you’d better decide fast, cos I’m about to be killed by a pig… *dies*
EXT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
AQUAMAN: I love you, Daenerys! I want you to have loads of warrior children with me!
DAENERYS: Will a small collection of dragons do instead? Maybe some that won’t become super useful until several seasons from now?
AQUAMAN: Well, you better get those dragons fast, cos I’m about to be killed by a tiny cut… *dies*
INT. COLD CASTLE. DAY.
SEAN BEAN: I know you’ve been shagging your brother, and that your kids shouldn’t really be the king, and maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this because it won’t end well for-
CERSEI: Joffrey, would you mind ordering someone to cut off his head?
JOFFREY: Sure thing!
SEAN DEAN: I did warn you all… *dies*
SEASON TWO.
INT. COLD CASTLE. DAY.
ALL OF SEAN BEAN’S SONS: I think we should kill the Lannisters! But, like, individually, because we all kinda hate each other, too.
STANNIS: I will use the power of red-haired magic to get the throne!
RED-HAIRED WITCH: *gives birth to a Dementor to kill exactly one person*
EXT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
DAENERYS: I am sick of people underestimating me-
RICH PEOPLE: You are nothing! We’re taking your dragons!
DAENERYS: What. Did. I. Just. Say.
RICH PEOPLE: Oh no, we underestimated you! *dies*
EXT. COLD WALL. DAY.
JON SNOW: I have turned my back on the Nights Watch (except not really).
YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW LADY: *says her line* *a lot* *like, A LOT a lot*
JON SNOW: So why exactly do you want to live on the other side of the wall so badly? It doesn’t seem all that different to-
SNOW ZOMBIES: *appear*
JON SNOW: Oh right.
EXT. COLD CASTLE. DAY.
STANNIS: I told you that I would get this Throne using magic!
TYRION: Have you heard of good, old-fashioned explosives?
STANNIS’ ARMY: *gets blown up in green explosions, which looks pretty cool, it must be said*
SEASON THREE.
INT. COLD CASTLE. DAY.
HOGWARTS JANITOR: Marry my daughter.
ROB STARK: Nah. But try not to over-react to that-
HOGWARTS JANITOR: *kills Rob Stark, his mother, his wife, his unborn child, and most of his men*
AUDIENCE: JesusF*ckingCHRIST!
EXT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
DAENERYS: I need an army.
LEADER OF THE SECOND SONS: I fancy you.
JORAH MORMONT: I fancy you, too.
DAENERYS: Maybe I need an army full of men who won’t fancy me.
ARMY FULL OF MEN WITH NO CAPABILITY FOR SEXUAL DRIVE: *arrive*
EXT. VARIOUS COLD CASTLES. NIGHT.
JAMIE LANNISTER: I lost my hand!
THEON GREYJOY: I lost my penis!
RAMSEY SNOW: And you lost a name! Your name is Reek now! Hey, audiences, do you hate me more than Joffrey yet? If not yet, you will…
EXT. COLD WALL. NIGHT.
JON SNOW: I know a way over the wall and back into slightly-less-cold land.
YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW LADY: Will you kill this random person to prove you love me?
JON SNOW: Ehhhh…. *runs away*
YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW LADY: *shoots him with about seventeen arrows*
SEASON FOUR.
INT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
JOFFREY: Yay, I’m getting married today, and then I will be greatest bad guy who ever lived- *dies*
CERSEI: You poisoned my son, Tyrion!
TYRION: I totally didn’t, but I choose Bisexual Spanish Prince to fight on my behalf.
CERSEI: And I choose, literally, The World’s Strongest Man to fight on my behalf.
BISEXUAL SPANISH PRINCE: *gets his head squished, dies*
LITERALLY THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN: *gets poisoned, kinda dies?*
JAMIE: I will free you, Tyrion, but don’t do anything stupid on your way out-
TYRION: *kills his ex girlfriend, and then his Dad*
EXT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
DAENERYS: My dragons keep setting fire to people.
JORAH: Maybe you should lock them up for a few seasons? Also, I’m a spy.
INT. COLD CASTLE. DAY.
LITTLEFINGER: I love you, Sean Bean’s sister-in-law. *pushes Sean Bean’s sister-in-law down a big hole*
EXT. COLD FIELD. DAY.
THE HOUND: I want the reward money for bringing you back alive, Arya.
BRIENNE: I have sworn to protect, like, everyone I’ve ever met. Except you, The Hound. You, I will kill.
ARYA: So I guess I’ll follow you now instead.
EXT. COLD FIELD. DAY.
BRAN STARK: I have finally found this magic tree, after all these seasons and episodes, let us go inside and see what these magic visions have in store for me.
HODOR: Hodor.
EXT. COLD WALL. DAY.
THE WILDLINGS: *attack the giant wall*
YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW LADY: *dies*
JON SNOW: I truly did know nothing this whole time. Sad face emoji.
SEASON FIVE.
INT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
CREEPY PRIEST: I will put all sinners in prison, including Cersei for boning her brother, the Queen’s brother for boning dudes, and then the Queen herself for not telling anyone that her brother bones dudes.
CERSEI: I totally, 100%, absolutely repent my sins and will absolutely not overreact to this next season.
EXT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
DAENERYS: It turns out that being the Queen isn’t super easy, and everyone kinda wants to kill me.
DRAGON: *arrives*
DAENERYS: Thank you, take me somewhere safe!
DRAGON: *drops her off in the middle of a massive Dothraki horde*
DAENERYS: Sound.
INT. COLD CASTLE. NIGHT.
THIS WHOLE STORYLINE WITH RAMSEY BOLTON AND SANSA STARK: *is just too grim to get into here*
EXT. COLD CASTLE. NIGHT.
STANNIS: *sets fire to his daughter for good luck*
BRIENNE: *kills him anyway*
INT. COLD CASTLE. NIGHT.
JON SNOW: I have allowed the Wildlings to live on this side of the wall cos of those Snow Zombies. That cool?
MOST OF HIS MEN: No, not cool, Jon.
JON SNOW: *is stabbed to death* *or is he??*
SEASON SIX.
INT. COLD CASTLE. NIGHT.
JON SNOW: *no, he isn’t, he’s totally fine now* *however…*
RAMSEY BOLTON: I will kill my father, my step-mother, and my new-born baby step-brother.
HOGWARTS JANITOR: I will kill my brother.
JON SNOW: I will kill everyone who killed me.
DAENERYS: I will kill all of the Dothraki leaders.
ARYA: I will kill that really annoying lady assassin we’ve all hated.
HODOR: Hodor.
AUDIENCE: *cries for Hodor*
EXT. COLD FIELD. DAY.
THE BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS: *is awesome*
SANSA: I will kill Ramsey Bolton
AUDIENCE: *yay for Ramsey dying*
INT. WARM CASTLE. DAY.
CERSEI: Remember when I said I definitely wouldn’t get revenge on you? *blows up most of the people in the show*
EXT. WARM SEA. DAY.
DAENERYS: I am coming for you, Cold Parts Of This Show! Time to heat you up… with my Dragons!
FADE OUT.
