Episode 32.
Folks, it absolutely kicked off last night. In the words of Pam Shipman ‘Oh my Christ’.
A lot happened. Camilla and Jamie played a weird prank on everyone, Jonny continued to be an oddball and also the worst person in the world, the villa’s poor security features were exposed and the couples’ challenge was absurd.
Here’s six important things that might’ve gone over your precious little head.
1. Jamie took a very large piss in his water bottle last night
In the morning montage of last night’s episode, we were shown the aftermath of Camilla and Jamie’s saucy night spent in the villa’s hideaway. You’d be forgiven for looking at the above image and thinking that it merely shows a couple enjoying a nice lie in together atop their bed of scattered rose petals, gold pillows and fur covers in 30° heat. But cast your eyes to the right of the bed. Allow the luminous red arrow to guide you into the area of question. Indulge it. Open your mind. Breathe in.
Now rapidly exhale because that is a bottle of piss. Jamie has taken a very substantial piss in the middle of the night and expelled it into his personalised Love Island bottle (RRP £15). Jamie, a former Calvin Klein model, is an animal. Rather than drag himself out of bed to the nearest lavatory, or worst case scenario the back garden, Jamie has filled his water bottle to the brim with piss. Camilla, sweetest angel on earth, is besotted with a man that soberly pisses into a bottle during the night. Or actually maybe it’s just squash.
2. A 15-year-old boy washes the dishes on Love Island
There has been some wonderfully cinematic photography emerging on Love Island this year, but none more special than what was presented to us during last night’s episode. An eagle-eyed cameraman finally let the best kept secret out of the villa by revealing that someone had arranged the clean dishes in an immature yet deeply amusing shape. The islanders seemed to ignore the formation, possibly because they are all quite mature people and derive no pleasure from some cups and bowls organised in the shape of a penis.
It’s safe to deduce from this occurrence that the islanders have a 15-year-old boy entering the villa each night to do the washing up. He’s probably a local boy from Majorca who earns minimum wage helping out around the place, keeping things tidy off camera to make life easier for the contestants who are usually exhausted after a long day of doing absolutely nothing. Alejandro’s friends laughed. They didn’t believe that he was working in the villa, so he promised to leave a mark behind for last night’s show for proof. They’re not laughing now, because they have died from splitting their sides.
3. Jonny, on top of everything else, washes his hands with fucking washing up liquid
Jonny, aka scum of the earth, was making breakfast with Georgia. He appeared to be chopping some things, perhaps in preparation for an omelette, we can never truly be sure. What happened next is as difficult for me to write down as it is for you to read, but it needs to be made known. Jonny washed his hands with washing up liquid. There is a bottle of soap to the left of the tap, so this wasn’t a decision made out of circumstance, this was a decided and appalling act.
If someone voluntarily washes their hands with washing up liquid, where do we draw the line? Does he wash his hair with dishwasher tablets? Brush his teeth with epsom salt? Clean his ears with haemorrhoid cream? The man is an oddball. He’s on television, every move he makes should be carefully thought out and risk assessed. He deliberately reached for that bottle of washing up liquid and scrubbed his grubby little paws with it. When he stands trial, we can all attest to the fact that it happened because we saw it.
4. Montana picks up the closest object to her when she’s overcome with excitement
The ceremonial gathering of the girls took place again last night when one of the girls (Camilla) returned from a spicy getaway with her gentleman lover. Bizarrely, Camilla and Jamie decided to pretend that they had slept together, which is a strange thing to do beyond the age of 17, but here we are. Every single one of those dirt-hungry girls assembled in the kitchen awaiting for Camilla to spill. Olivia asked her to blink if she had “done the deed”, a task that Jonny could regrettably never take part in.
Camilla firmly shut her eyes and pandemonium ensued. The girls were jumping up and down, hugging each other, one of them even kissed a baby, but it was Montana who stole the show. Overcome with excitement for her friend, she screamed with elation, then picked up a bottle of suncream. She was standing in the shade, there was no immediate threat of burning, the girl just needed to clutch her stiff paws around something to expel some of the energy she had built up. It’s a strange quirk but because it’s Montana, we’ll allow it.
5. The villa would be so easy to burgle
Every single time they show the outside of the villa, that massive front door is swinging open, fluttering in the breeze. I’m not sure it has a closing function at this point. When someone new enters the villa, it’s wide open, when someone leaves, it’s wide open. The door is always open, and while that is a beautiful metaphor for the friendliness of the islanders, it’s also a huge incentive to burglars. Put yourself in the mindset of a burglar for a moment, hamburgers or otherwise. This villa is a prime target.
I’d burgle the heck out of that villa. Every single beauty product would be gone, I’d go after the personalised water bottles (except Jamie’s because he pissed in it) and then I’d resell them to superfans. I’d take that pair of fake glasses everyone’s been passing around and use them to disguise myself from the cameras, rendering me unidentifiable and thus making this the perfect crime. I’d have a quick splash around the pool and steal a few of their endless packet of cigarettes for bartering purposes, then be on my merry little way. Suckers.
6. The show is just fucking ridiculous at this point
Yesterday’s challenge was absurd. The producers have officially lost the plot and are relying solely on meme potential and the voiceover’s innuendo at this point. The task involved three separate games, the first involved making sausages, the second required the boys to squirt ketchup at the girls and the third tested the girls’ ability to hold tens of sausages. I truly hope that overseas viewers didn’t tune in at that point and get the wrong impression of British holiday culture, because it also involves beer and crisps.
What ever happened to the more wholesome reality television challenges? Perhaps a hearty pub quiz or even a rousing game of Ludo? Must we continue to degrade the contestants in such an offensive manner? Need the innuendos be so rampant? The show is entertaining enough without such ludicrous carry on. Maybe for the next challenge, they could all sit around and alphabetise a large collection of DVDs, or test the limits of rechargeable batteries, maybe try to get to the root of Jonny’s twitch? Less impactful, sure, but I’d still watch it.
All images via ITV
