Episode 37.
For one night only, they might as well have renamed it ‘The Chris and Olivia Show’ because the pair were back at it again with their constant bickering and unnecessarily heated exchanges.
The hero of the episode goes to the nation’s sweetheart, Stormzy, whose articulated words finally let that tumultuous pair know exactly what we all think about them (Chris = angel, Olivia = NO).
Here are six important things you might’ve missed last night.
1. Chris is too damn precious for this godforsaken world
Look at the way he slept last night FFS. He did tops and tails with his new girlfriend because at his very core, Chris is a precious little boy who craves a simple life and childlike bantering. The night before, he was basically bullied into asking Olivia to be his girlfriend, but rather than spend the night in a tender couples’ embrace, Chris opted for an easier life down at the bottom of the bed. Why did he do this? Because he is the best thing to happen to British television since that guy cheated on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Bear in mind that Chris is at the end of the bed, meaning his head was resting upon some wooden lockers and among a sea of dead skin from his and Olivia’s feet. But that didn’t deter our Chris. He craves the childhood innocence of sleepovers and relentless bantering. He probably had a warm glass of milk before bed and begged Olivia to read him a story from the Mr. Men books. He thinks Mr. Messy is really funny, but identifies more with Mr. Silly. Chris always signs his drawings ‘by chris age 22 and a half’.
2. Kem confessed his love for Chris
They’re just two heterosexual bros having the best time. One is cutting the other’s hair as they discuss their girlfriends and good fortune to be on an island made entirely from love. Then, it happens. Kem accidentally drops this bomb: “When I wake up in the morning, I obviously wake up to see Amber’s face, but I also wake up to see yours”. Folks, we’ve all studied Shakespeare at school and struggled to understand the depths and complexity of love, but here we are, presented with the purest 2017 expression of love right under our snivelling noses.
Kem and Chris are in love. They cannot quit each other, you might say. We’re less than a week away from the finale and they need to take action. It’s only a matter of hours before the boys ditch their alleged girlfriends, team up and take the entire winnings for themselves. They’ll set up a hairdressing salon in Romford, with a cow farm out the back. It’ll be called ‘Kem On In For A Chop And A Drop (Of Milk)’ or maybe something snappier, I’m not going to put words in their mouths. The facts are these: Chris and Kem have found love and who are we to stand in their way?
3. Muggy Mike reads his texts the same way your Mum does
Just look at the angle of his elbow, this man is going to read this text at eye level and there’s fucking nothing you can do about it, chump. It was quite a spectacle during last night’s episode when Mike got a text. Firstly, he was elbow-deep in a packet of crisps at the time, when he suitably reacted in an extremely Mum manner. He dropped everything, looked up and said ‘Is that me?’ when the phone’s text tone went off. He then slowly fished around his pockets to find it, then performed the reading of a lifetime.
Mike held that phone up so high, his signal instantly improved by 200%. He announced the contents of the text message, never dropping his rigid arm position for a second. Muggy Mike always reads at eye level, he’s just a very deep and spiritual guy in that way. He struggled with the hashtags because they are literal garbage, but overall, I rate his text reading performance a very solid 8 out of 10. Plus, he can rest easy tonight knowing that he didn’t undergo any unnecessary eye strain in the process.
4. Stormzy fucked everything
Stormzy, Stormzy, Stormzy. The man isn’t immune to the allure of this year’s Love Island and if anything, that has caused the nation to fall in love with him even more. Sir Stormzy is an undeniable legend and his assessment of the show is spot on. Chris is far too good for Olivia and I’m glad one of us had the guts to say it. Things extremely kicked off on the show when the answer was revealed, with Olivia saying she was disappointed with Chris’ reaction to the tweet, after he insensitively laughed at his idol’s fair assessment of the situation.
How fucking dare Chris laugh at Stormzy’s tweet, it is so serious and blatantly intended to cause the utmost destruction. Stormzy clearly wanted blood when he wrote that tweet. He knew it would be read out to the islanders in a challenge where they had to pump balloons using a humping motion with their buttocks. Of course that was going to happen. Stormzy wants Chris all to himself and it’s hard to blame the guy. We’re in a situation now where the only logical course of action is to send Stormzy into the villa and watch every single one of those chumps rightfully throw themselves at him.
5. These boys…. they like…. their sauce
Look at the small section of table in front of you. Looks nice, right? Well look again, fools. I count 4 (four) FOUR bottles of sauce on that table, and that’s just where Sam and Chris are sitting. Going from left to right, what we’re seeing is a bottle of ketchup, perhaps a balsamic, some sweet chilli sauce and a bottle of mayonnaise. That’s a large, but not impossible amount of sauce for two boys. Where does their dinner even come from? I’ve never seen the islanders cook a meal other than breakfast, so they probably get catering in.
Well the catering can’t be that fucking good if it requires four bottles of sauce for every two people, that’s for sure. I’d imagine what they’re eating is very dry and simple, much like Olivia. These poor islanders have suffered enough. We need to send in reinforcements. I won’t have them subjected to such a large sauce consumption any longer. I want a Nando’s delivered to that villa immediately. Give them whatever they want, no side too extravagant, no chicken too large. Give these kids some sustenance FFS.
6. Someone has shit their knickers, again
Chris and Olivia were having another heated argument when I found myself distracted by a pair of knickers resting on the bed behind Olivia. Their off-white colour suggests that perhaps they’ve suffered some staining due to excessive suncream usage, or maybe someone has simply shit their knickers. We can’t point the finger at Theo this time because he and his skid marked undies have now officially left the villa, so we find ourselves in a situation where it could be anyone.
The bed in question belongs to Montana and Alex, so the onus falls on them, unless they’re being framed in this particular situation. Either way, it’s probably Alex. He doesn’t say an awful lot and perhaps that’s because he’s suffered from tummy troubles since arriving on the island. The water isn’t suitable for drinking, but that doesn’t mean the occasional mouthful won’t seep its way into your system when you’re brushing your teeth. Alex has shit his knickers. He is less of a man than we all initially thought. Vote him off the island immediately.
All images via ITV
