Episode 38.
We’re nearly there.
Last night, Love Island rivalled Jeremy Kyle for one night only and it was glorious. We got to find out (thanks to a frequently inaccurate electronic device) whether these strangers who met each other a maximum of six weeks ago, were truly in love.
Besides that, there was the usual slurry of bitching, backstabbing and arguments.
Here are six things you might’ve missed, you easily distracted oaf.
1. The villa is selfishly using up all of the Majorcan electricity
I’ve highlighted this issue in the past, but now we’re 38 episodes deep into the series and I have some very serious health and safety concerns. Look at how many fucking lights there are in the above image. At a glance, you can clearly see that there are more than 20, but less than seven million. It’s unnecessary. For instance, the giant glowing orbs don’t particularly give off much of an atmosphere, so could easily be done away with. What about those luminous strips on the steps? Also unnecessary, the islanders should know the layout of the villa by now.
I can’t accurately calculate the island’s expenditure on lighting, but I know that it is sure to be hefty. I understand that the villa is essentially a TV studio, but we need to draw the line somewhere. Majorca has a population of almost 900,000, so I find it hard to believe that some small village consisting of an apothecary and a wise old goat isn’t being impacted in some small way by this obscene usage of power, both literally and metaphorically. Justice for the original Love Islanders!
2. Georgia was being chased by an invisible maniac and nobody helped her
Sam, Olivia and Amber were having their morning cigarette and bitch about how Chris is the worst person in the world when Georgia appeared in the garden. She was running, up and down across the lawn in quite a frantic manner, which suggests but one thing: Georgia was being chased by an invisible maniac and was too paralysed by fear to scream for help. Instead, she ran up and down that patch of grass as many times as her little legs would carry her, in a bid to escape this terrifying stranger.
Did any of the other islanders help her? Did they fuck. They were far too distracted by their own problems to even notice. Sam, who is currently coupled up with Georgia and has been caught engaging in some serious smooching with her, ignored the situation entirely. She was in his direct eye line, but Sam continued to interject with pointless offerings to Olivia and Amber’s conversations. SAM! LOOK ALIVE MATE! YOUR GIRL IS IN VERY REAL DANGER! DO SOMETHING!
3. Amber is housing a tiny Spanish family in her armpit
You’re forgiven for failing to notice this prior to last night’s episode, as we’ve had very few close up shots of Amber’s armpits during this series of Love Island. But last night, it all became clearer than a hydrated person’s piss. Amber has got a charming little Spanish family living in her right armpit. It’s bizarre that this hasn’t been mentioned by her or the islanders yet, but perhaps it’s something they just don’t want us to know yet. Personally, I embrace our new compadres and see no cause for secrecy.
As we can see, they’re a jolly family of five, and that’s all we know about them as of yet. I expect the issue will need to be addressed in some capacity after this article goes live, as people are well within their reason to demand some answers. How did they get there? Is Amber aware that they’re there? Do they fancy Kem as well? What do they think about Chris and Olivia’s constant bickering? Are they actually Spanish or did the stock image search engine lie to me? All will be revealed tonight, hopefully.
4. *touches nose bridge* They’re… They’re still putting hashtags in text messages
This is an epidemic and I refuse to stop highlighting it until they take active steps in reducing and subsequently eradicating the use of hashtags in these fucking text messages. Putting a hashtag into a text just for the sake of it is the exact opposite of why hashtags were invented in the first place. Chris Messina, the inventor of hashtags, is weeping into his large stacks of cash that he sleeps on every night. Let’s get a quick definition of what a hashtag is from the Oxford English Dictionary, if we may.
Excellent, so we can clearly see that the purpose of a hashtag is to facilitate users finding content of a similar nature on social media sites. What they are definitely not, is a trendy way to incorporate shitty puns into information being passed from producers to reality TV show contestants. Respect where it’s due, #polygrafting is the best hashtag they’ve had on the show this series, without a doubt. But this doesn’t make it in any way acceptable for the islanders to be subjected to reading hashtags aloud with every text message received. It’s degrading, immoral and wrong.
5. The tree is really funny, who knew?!
The gang were all gathered around the smoking area towards the end of last night’s show, relaxing with exactly one tiny glass of wine per person. Amber was showing Gabby some photographs of her cute little armpit family on her phone, while Camilla and Jamie were chatting to the tree that has lights wrapped around it. It was a typical Love Island evening, the usual calm before the storm where someone inevitably dumps their partner for a grand total of 24 hours.
But then, out of nowhere, the tree launched into this incredible stand-up routine that had the gang in creases. He was so funny, a lot of it had to be edited out for fear of mass laughter-induced heart attacks across the UK. The tree, also known as Greg, turns out to be a very funny guy and the islanders are now petitioning for him to become an official contestant on the show. He’s charming, funny and looking for love, just like everyone else. Vote for Greg!
6. The girls couldn’t choreograph a piss up in a craft beer factory
Gabby has apparently been planning some elaborate way of telling Marcel that she loves him, but I’m dubious because a lie detector test earlier said she didn’t and those things have ruined countless lives on Jeremy Kyle, so I trust them without fail. Regardless, she had very poorly choreographed a situation where the girls would all lie down in the grass and spell out ‘I <3 U’. So when Gabby took Marcel upstairs to the balcony, it was time for the gals to get into formation.
Naturally, they spent a few minutes loudly arguing about the validity of Gabby and Marcel’s love, then finally got it together with a very poor attempt at those intended shapes. Like, very very poor. So poor that the director didn’t even include an aerial shot of it. All due respect to Olivia, her attempt at making an ‘I’ with her body is perfect, but the rest needs a lot of work. If nothing else, we learned last night that you should literally never rely on anyone else for anything ever because everyone is garbage 🙂
All images via ITV
