Episode 39.
It seemed as though the lie detector episode couldn’t be topped, but folks, they’ve done it, they have fucking done it. Last night, we got to see the islanders’ maternal and paternal sides, much to the delight of approximately everyone that was watching.
Chris proved himself to be a mountain of man, shedding some tears after becoming overwhelmed by his ability to care for a plastic doll. Kem swung his baby around like an aeroplane, while Sam took his for a dip in the pool. It was chaos from start to finish. Delicious, televisual chaos.
Here are six things that might’ve gone over your head, you silly nincompoop.
1. There’s a new bird in the villa
In last night’s opening montage, we were treated to a sneak peek at the villa’s newest bird. Her name is Harriet, she’s 22 and she’s a great tit (it’s a type of bird, grow up). She works as a model by day and a club DJ by night. Harriet’s a fun-loving girl who’s always up for a good time. She’s come to the island to find love, just like everyone else. When asked which of the boys Harriet fancies, she excitedly chirped ‘Chris and Jamie’, so it’s going to be interesting to see how that wingspans out.
Harriet says she’s not prepared to graft. If one of the boys fancies her, he can do all the hard work. She knows it’s the final week, but that won’t deter her from getting what she wants. Harriet will stop at nothing to win the £50k prize money, even if that means viciously killing someone. She’s a real morning person and prefers to bathe in the swimming pool to avoid the queue for the shower. It’s sure to be an interesting couple of days in the villa now that Harriet has arrived, we look forward to seeing what mischief she gets up to.
2. Baby toys in Spain are creepy as fuck
On last night’s episode of Love Island, the islanders were treated to a fun day of caring for fake babies. Those little fuckers screeched their lungs out for the entirety of the episode, meaning most of us had to watch it with the sound turned down very low whilst questioning our suitability for children in the future given that the sound of fake ones was so perturbing. Initially, when the gang woke up, they were greeted by eight cots in the living room, complete with a baby and a little toy for amusement.
But let me tell you, those toys were creepy as fuck. Look at this degenerate above. What the fuck is he smiling at? He is a blue crab, a crustacean typically found in the waters of the western Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico. So rare and valuable is this little guy, that people will literally sabotage the efforts of fellow fishermen trying to obtain a hefty haul of them. This twerp has absolutely nothing to smile about. After filming, he’ll most likely be sold at a reasonable markup. What a sadistic little creep, how fucking dare he tinge last night’s Love Island with his unbridled positivity.
3. In the ultimate act of defiance, Jamie cooked himself and the baby
Camilla and Jamie were nonchalantly having a quick morning beverage together with their baby wearing a denim jacket in 30°C heat, when it came to my attention that Jamie was resting his feet on the hob. Jamie, in a decided and malicious act of defiance, tried to cook himself and the baby to death. Perhaps he was trying to send a message to Love Island viewers. “I am not here for your entertainment, peasants, I am here for a free holiday and regulated one glass of wine per night. I am not a monkey, I will not dance for you”.
He appeared to handle the pain very well, barely flinching at the searing hot heat from the hob, which can reach temperatures up to 190°C. What we need to ask ourselves is why has this man decided to cook himself on live television? Is this some 2017 sick tribute to Sylvia Plath, a poet he and Camilla have surely discussed at length? Jamie is sick, the man needs help and so does Camilla. She looked on in amusement as her man and child sizzled away. This show is perverse.
4. Sam and Georgia’s baby looks like it would ask you for a cigarette, then spit on you
No disrespect intended to the actual parents of this baby, but fuck me, that is one thug of a little girl they’ve produced. Those eyes look straight through you, piercing your soul and any essential bodily organs with such a severity that it is truly chilling. Her name is Star, and that’s because she’s started two world wars merely with her facial expressions. They (sorry) are called (sorry) Star Wars (sorry). Jesus, what a thug of a baby face. Even her arms are prepped for a scuffle.
Star spends her time hanging around outside off licences begging patrons to get her some hooch, then asks for change when they return and uses that as an opportunity to mug. Star once pissed on a police car because the siren was a bit too loud for her precious baby ears. Star, although technically a baby, has spent an overnight in jail for a matter that she cannot discuss right now because it is still a pending court case. Star will kick your fucking face in if you ask why she has a giant speaker embedded in her chest, you fucking nonce, you shouldn’t be looking there anyway.
5. Chris Christened Cash
While the girls were whisked away for an extravagant afternoon of pizza and one glass of wine each, Chris wasted no time in getting little Cash Hughes straight over to a large body of water. His intentions were obvious, albeit poorly concealed as ‘bantering’. Chris wanted that baby Christened quickly before the evil forces of the world got to him. When the cat’s away, the religious father will most certainly play. Chris plodded his way over to the swimming pool, nonchalant as you like, determined to find God.
He told a nearby Sam that he was going to ‘wet the head’ because Cash seemed to be overheating. Nice coverup, Christopher. He then whispered very quietly the sacraments that are expressed during any standard baptism and welcomed Cash Hughes into the nutty world of the Lord. Quick as a flash, it was all over and mummy Olivia was none the wiser. When she returned, she casually asked Chris what the pair had gotten up to while she was away, to which he replied ‘Not much’. My backside ‘not much’, Chris.
6. They inventively named the glitter party, Glitter Party
I understand that we’re now 39 episodes deep into Love Island and everyone, myself included, is running out of content. We knew that a glitter party was coming as it was announced in the text message received three minutes prior to the glitter party taking place. Was it truly necessary to label it as such when we already knew what it so blatantly was? Everyone was covered in glitter, but someone on that island felt it necessary to include a sign, covered in glitter, that said GLITTER PARTY.
Add to that, the fact that there will probably be glitter stuck in every crevice of these islanders for the foreseeable future, and what we’ve got here is an unnecessary allocation of the Love Island budget. Perhaps those funds could’ve gone on some additional glitter for Montana’s extra face which was introduced to us all last night. I just hate seeing money going to waste. Also why the fuck couldn’t they have a guy called Gary on the island so I could’ve tweeted a picture of him last night and captioned it Gary Glitter? FFS.
All images via ITV
