Episode 40.
Last night’s episode was weird, it felt like they’d spent all their budget on getting Damien Chazelle to direct proceedings, but nevertheless, it was still a thrill ride from start to finish.
Chris and Liv, Kem and Amber and Jamie and Camilla all went on their final dates together, producing what can only be described as a mass tinge of sadness following the realisation that this must all come to an end.
Here are six vital things you might’ve missed.
1. Chris revealed that he went on Love Island so that he could find someone to wash his boxers
Chris and Olivia were treated to a luxury date on a yacht during last night’s episode. It’s unknown whether they ever actually entered the yacht, as they spent the entire date sitting on the front of it, but that’s not for us to discuss here today. They were having standard couples’ chats, when Olivia decided to press Chris about leaving his cows behind and moving to London to be with another cow (her). He was concerned with the logistics of the matter at hand, which is completely understandable.
Chris’ main requirement was that Olivia would wash his boxers. He confided in her (and the 2 million viewers) about how he really needs someone to wash his boxers. Of late, he’s been wearing the same pair for ‘2 or 3 days running’, but wants to stop that when he leaves the island. It’s a humble request and one that his newfound fame will surely facilitate. If Chris plays his cards right, he could be living the high life for the rest of his years with clean boxers every single day. BRB, setting up a Kickstarter to fund him some new boxers.
2. As I predicted in yesterday’s roundup, that glitter has gone fucking everywhere
I hate to say I told you so, but I fucking called it yesterday. That idiotic glitter party has proven itself to be far more trouble than it’s worth. The sparkly shit is rampant and I knew this was going to happen. Look at Jamie’s grubby little foot, it looks like he has repeatedly kicked a unicorn until the sweet release of death arrived. Don’t think I’m ignoring you too, nipple glitter. I see you. I am BAFFLED as to how a glitter party got the green light in this godforsaken villa. WHO the fuck decided it was ok?
They’ll hardly have that place cleaned in time for next year’s show. Think about this logically, the glitter is now in the drainage system, it’s definitely in the swimming pool, it’s in the bedclothes. The most pragmatic approach at this point is to burn the villa down and all who inhabit it. Seems like a drastic measure but it is literally the only way we can secure that shit and keep it contained. We can’t have them bringing that immigrant glitter back to the UK from the mainland. Not on your life, suckers. Burn everything and do it quickly.
3. Camilla didn’t brush her teeth yesterday
Camilla and Gabby were chatting on the sun loungers when Camilla admitted that she’d “been a bit naughty”. Gabby didn’t quite grasp what that meant, so she further queried Camilla’s admission. At this point, Camilla applied her sunglasses and then tapped her lips twice. I’m not too proud to say that I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, nor did Gabby, so I paused the television and had a very intense think about it. What was Camilla trying to tell Gabby? What did that double lip tap mean?
Perhaps Camilla has very chapped lips at the moment, but rather than applying a large amount of Vaseline, she has simply been picking away at them to reveal a fresh layer of lip skin underneath. We’ve all been there, it’s a whale of a time. The only other possibility I could think of was that Camilla had foregone the ceremonial brushing of her teeth that morning. It’s disgusting and not something she should make a habit of going forward, but it is most definitely naughty. Camilla is too naughty for that island, I am calling it here and now.
4. Kem and Amber had a traditional Spanish meal of steak, strawberries and gravy
On Kem and Amber’s date, they were brought to a scenic seaside area with decking, unlit candles and a sheeted gazebo. Truly, romance was in the air. That romance continued when they were presented with their traditional Spanish meal of an Aperol spritz, steak, a shot glass of gravy and some strawberries. Do not be alarmed at that description, I have been assured by tens of Spaniards that I contacted in relation to this matter that those food items are all extremely Spanish.
If you have been to Spain and neglected to try out some steak and strawberries, I urge you to fly back immediately and rectify this situation. Not a day goes by when true Spaniards don’t tuck into this famous delicacy. ‘Mother, fetch me some strawberries and steak’, the young children shout (in Spanish). Oh boy, do those kids love their S&S. Neither Kem nor Amber were alarmed at the plate of food that was put in front of them because it is an entirely normal dish. Steak and strawberries, washed down with a mouthful of gravy. Yum yum. Spain.
5. Alex broke up with his water bottle to be with Montana instead
In what was certainly the most moving scene from last night’s Love Island, Alex finally parted ways with his manly flask of squash to move on to pastures new. Those pastures new consisted solely of Montana. Try not to let the fucking glitter that I foresaw being everywhere from distracting you during this tender moment pictured above. This is love in its purest form. They’re just two crazy kids who love each other, and are willing to sacrifice everything for their feelings, including hydration.
Alex gave his water bottle one final kiss, before moving it to one side and embracing Montana. There were tears, condensation and thirsts unquenched, but such is the price we pay for love. Alex and Montana are officially official now. He loves her and she understands that he loves her but just isn’t ready to say it back yet. The year is 2017 and people are professing their undying love for each other on national television. This is why we pay a television licence fee. This is how it fucking feels to be alive, folks.
6. Stormzy has a painting of Shrek in his bedroom
RUN KMC (Kem, Marcel and Chris) were preparing yet another rap demonstration for the Love Island talent show during last night’s episode when everyone’s favourite Love Island enthusiast, Stormzy appeared on the TV. Chris and Kem just about lost it, while Marcel kept his cool and unleashed a very hearty ‘wagwan’. Stormzy and the boys were equally star struck, as is often the case when several heavyweights of the rap industry come together. Such was the audible hysteria in the room, the rest of the islanders raced in to see what was going on.
Stormzy was chatting away to the squad as if they were long lost brethren, when something in the background caught my eye. If you look closely at the picture frame to the left of Stormzy’s head, you can see clearly that there is a stunning piece of artwork hanging proudly. That artwork, to the best of my knowledge, appears to be Shrek. Stormzy has got Shrek artwork in his bedroom. Add to that, the fact that they both appear to be making similar facial expressions in the above screenshot, and what we’ve got here is some very blatant Photoshop work. I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, there are only three episodes left.
All images via ITV
