Bear with me on this one.
It has recently come to my attention that a programme called ‘Me & My Supersized Pet’Â exists and it is not a joke.
People legitimately own large pets such as a crocodiles, buffalos and a motherfucking bear.
This show is extremely infuriating and when these animals eventually eat their owners, I will be the first person to say ‘I told you so’.
This duo trusts Stepan the bear, but not enough to let him sleep in the house
Yuriy and Svetlana, a Russian couple, are the proud owners of a 24-year-old pet bear and happily rent him out for a handsome fee to take part in photoshoots and appear in movies. But there’s a hint of discomfort from our introduction to the trio, whereby they awaken Stepan from his slumber in a locked cage nestled in a shed out the back. They clearly deem him safe enough to have as a pet, but don’t afford him the comfort of sleeping in a bed within the confines of their house? Something isn’t right. This whole story stinks to high heavens and I’m going to get to the bottom of it, even if it kills me (and probably them) in the process.
Ok so they’re literally just bribing him with food so he’ll stick around
After their morning greetings, Yuriy, Svetlana and Stepan settle down at their outdoors kitchen table to start the day off with a well balanced meal. Stepan, a literal bear, eats a large pot of yoghurt with all the ease and grace that you would expect from an animal that could eat the two humans sitting beside him to finally achieve a feeling of being full, if he so wished. The film crew have brought him a cake, which the couple foolishly slice up and serve him one singular piece on a plate. This lad is a big unit, one measly slice of cake was never going to sate his appetite. He gets quite agitated, aggressively biting his own paw to signify to the duo that he wants more cake. Obviously he wants more cake, he wants the entire fucking thing you morons. They proceed to spoon-feed Stepan until he calms down and poses less of a murderous threat.
Stepan, the old dog, went and fathered a child, but he can’t see it because he might maul it to death
Yuriy and Svetlana completely trust Stepan with their lives every single damn day. But when he goes and fathers a child at the local zoo, they can’t allow him to see his offspring in case his bear instincts kick in and he rips the thing to shreds. Again, alarm bells are ringing. They firmly believe that Stepan won’t harm them even though they’re an entirely different species, but he might kill his own son? Something is amiss here. So to make Stepan feel better, they spoon-feed him some more cake. Truly, I wish to love anything in this life as much as Stepan loves cake. Also I’m confident they will be on the news in a few years having been mailed to death, so I’d like to preemptively wish them well in the afterlife.
Vicky acts as a mother to an 11-year old crocodile called Jilly, and she’s fucking terrified of her
Again, we’re treated to a totally normal living situation whereby someone has a killer animal living in their garden shed. But this time, there’s fear in Vicky’s eyes. She’s not even trying to hide it like Yuriy and Svetlana did, she’s just straight up terrified. Vicky tells us that Jilly could pull her into that pool of water and drown her in seconds, which is both harrowing and completely factual. Vicky feeds her pet crocodile with a very long tongs so that her entire arm doesn’t get chomped off in the process. This situation is fucking nuts and makes no sense. There is no affection a crocodile can provide in return for Vicky’s caring, at least the bear gives killer hugs, but this arrangement is ridiculous.
Jilly comes into the house for a sleepover once a week and this is 100% how Vicky is going to die
Not content with risking her life every time she feeds her pet crocodile, Vicky reveals that she invites Jilly into the house for a sleepover once a week. It’s upon hearing this information that I realise that Vicky has a death wish, and that wish is to die by a violent crocodile attack. There’s no other explanation. The crocodile is going to eat her whole, then take over the house and redecorate the place to her particular taste. Australia is a batshit country, but truly, the world has never seen anything like this. Where are her neighbours and why aren’t they objecting to this?
Vicky spent $5k on a swimming pool for her pet crocodile (which is at some stage going to eat her)
Out of all the people with strange pets, I fear for Vicky the most. She is blinded by her affection for Jilly and it’s ultimately going to cost her her life. Jilly is a bit of a bitch, to be frank. Vicky was simply trying to give her a fresh supply of water when she started snapping and trying to bite the water pipe. Vicky lives alone with Jilly, which makes me fear for her life because when Jilly does eventually eat her for dinner, nobody is going to notice for a few days. Again, I’d like to preemptively wish this supersized pet owner a pleasant afterlife.
If you can only wash your pet in a carwash, it is probably not a feasible pet to have
Mike and Valerie have a one-tonne pet buffalo named Cody. Cody gets to live inside the house during the summer months, but first he needs a wash. So they do what any pet owners do, and take him to a carwash to get a decent gleam going. A literal crowd formed as passersby marvelled at the spectacle that was unfolding. Two elderly people hand-washing their pet buffalo in a carwash doesn’t happen all that often, not even in Minnesota. The fact that Cody needs to be clean before entering their house is highly amusing, especially since they haven’t really factored in the fact that he will most likely empty the entire contents of his bowels once he arrives.
These people are insane, as proven when they brought their one-tonne buffalo TO A BAR
Watching a fragile elderly couple struggle to lead their pet buffalo into a bar felt like a scene from a quirky new rom-com directed by Judd Apatow. Mike and Valerie are obviously a sociable couple and probably friends with some people that own dogs. Sure, they’ve seen their mates bring a pet into public spaces, but where they made the mistake is assuming that they could do the same. They cannot. Your pet isn’t cute or fun when it weighs one-tonne. It is a dangerous attraction at a zoo. (RIP Harambe).
Cody the one-tonne buffalo was invited to a dinner party and honestly I just give up at this point
These people are all crazy. Admittedly, they’re on the right side of crazy, but it’s still not a great place to be. Mike and Valerie were hosting a dinner party in some sort of shed, when Cody strolls in looking for his starter, main course and dessert. Rather than usher him away, they give him a massive pot to slobber his way through right in front of all their guests. Between the smell of buffalo, general odour of the shed and sight of a one-tonne buffalo eating a large quantity, I would’ve respectfully left the house and never spoken to those nutters again. Mike and Valerie seem to have tamed Cody quite well, so he might not savage them to death, but their friends probably will.
Images via Channel 4
