Day 10.
Last night we learned that Doctors appear to have a sense of humour after all.
It was another gripping episode of CBB which involved the feminist movement regressing fifty years by having the girls quite literally knowing their place in the kitchen, Alma off Coronation Street cemented herself as a fashionista and Dapper Laughs continued to be extremely Dapper Laughs.
Here’s five important things we learned from last night’s CBB.
1. India picked her designer vagina from a book called ‘The Great Walls of Vagina’
Andrew and India were chatting about her transitioning, when she revealed that her Doctor once provided her with a book full of designer vaginas that was legitimately named ‘The Great Walls Of Vagina’. The book boasts over 10,000 images of vaginas, from which India selected her favourite. What we’ve learned here is that Doctors are comedic masterminds. You could task a room full of comedy writers with devising a hilarious name for a book full of vaginas and it’s unlikely they’d ever land of ‘The Great Walls of Vagina’. Whomever is responsible for this 10/10 pun, we salute you.
2. Alma off Coronation Street is a style icon
During the usual morning montage on CBB, we were treated to the celebrities’ disgrutled faces as they were rudely awoken from their precious slumber. Some chose to wear eye masks or attempted to suffocate themselves underneath a sea of pillows, but the people’s hero, Alma off Coronation Street, laid herself out bare for all to see. Are those sunglasses specially designed for the aerodynamic requirements of a cyclist? It certainly appears so. Alma is the realest contestant in this year’s CBB and we should all doff my caps to her fashion-forward bravery.
3. The feminist movement appeared to be set back by approximately 50 years
Lest we remind ourselves that Celebrity Big Brother’s ‘Year of the Woman’ lasted a total of four days before they simply had to add some men into the equation. Things almost veered drastically off track again last night. Big Brother announced that the latest riveting task involved the women playing the role of housewives, while the men headed off to work for the day and Joan of Arc turned repeatedly in her grave. In an scandal-avoiding move, there was a twist which meant that the girls would secretly compete against the boys to see who faired better at tasks such as recycling and baking cakes. The girls then had to rush back to the kitchen before the boys got home and then ended up making two out of three daily meals anyway.
4. They made “eye cupcakes”
Sure, that’s exactly what eyes look like. Good job ladies, you have nailed this task. The larger question here is why they were tasked with making cupcakes with vaginas eyes on them in the first place. Surely a bakery rarely gets tasked with making a six pack of cupcakes with poorly drawn eyes on them? What occasion could possibly merit such a design, aside from an optician’s birthday or a cruel prank by Stevie Wonder’s mischievous friends? Big Brother has lost the plot this year. We need to pull the plug immediately.
5. The boys did approximately five minutes of work and then took their tops off
Clearly, they are celebrities and therefore complete strangers to a hard day’s work down at the cake factory. The boys decorated about eight cakes between eight of them (so one each), then felt perfectly entitled to a biscuit and squash break, accompanied by some ‘tops off’ time. Not one of them queried as to why they were treated to such an undeserving break, which would’ve led them to figuring out that they were being stalled so that the girls could get back into their floral flocks. Celebrities – they’re just like you and I!
Images via Channel 5
