Day 16.
Last night’s Celebrity Big Brother saw the contestants slip further into the realm of madness as they all gathered around to worship a glass of juice.
To the untrained eye, it may have seemed as though they were praying at a location that just so happened to be centred around a glass of juice, but that’s where you need to let some high calibre journalism do the rest of the work.
Here’s five gravely important things that happened during last night’s episode.
1. The celebrities worshipped a glass of juice
They’ve been in the house for sixteen days now, so their descent into madness remains firmly on schedule. It was around lunchtime when Malika, Jess, Ann and Ginuwine were led by Shane in a beautiful prayer service. Some found the occasion to be quite emotional, but none more so than Jess, who had tears streaming down her face as she planted herself in front of the sacred glass of juice. As of yet, it’s unclear where the juice has come from, perhaps it presented itself in an act of God. All we know is that the Celebrity Big Brother house has officially gone nuts and a half full glass of juice is in charge now.
2. Alma off Coronation Street gave Wayne Sleep a bath and it was maybe the most disturbing thing we’ll ever see on our TV screens
Sleep easy tonight, Britain, safe in the knowledge that Wayne Sleep OBE is clean as a whistle. For the second time this week, we saw Alma giving Wayne a more thorough than necessary rub down in the bath. He seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the whole affair, requesting “will you do my back?” to take full advantage of the fact that the ladies must tend to the mens’ needs until further notice. So basically, business as usual. Not enough was the act of washing, Alma then clipped Wayne’s toenails for him, which Big Brother provided uncensored footage of. This programme is filth.
3. It took Wayne five minutes to write ‘I must not discuss nominations’ five times
After breaking the house rules by discussing nominations, Wayne was delighted to hear that his punishment would be lines. He was slightly less delighted to hear that they would be handwritten lines, but still looking forward to the endeavour nonetheless. The voiceover guy has been visibly shaken after the triumph of Love Island voiceover guy’s hilarity last year, so he’s really been beefing up the humour in his interjections this series. Last night, he let us know that Wayne took five minutes to produce the above. Is Wayne a very slow writer? Were we being tricked? Did they ever find that missing plane?
4. Andrew asked Ann’s permission to get his arse cheeks waxed
It’s the classic rule that was enforced across the UK in 1975 which states ‘Thou shalt consult the nearest Ann if thou is contemplating waxing one’s arse cheeks’. So Andrew was following protocol and avoiding jail time by checking with Ann, but she took the utmost offence to his enquiry. Perhaps she isn’t aware of the law, or is indeed a prude. Regardless, she shut down the conversation immediately, then later made her feelings quite clear. She stated that Andrew was trying to embarrass her. She’ll have egg on her face when she leaves the house and finds out that Andrew was merely obeying the law. Idiot.
5. Ann said “Ashley had her skirt up to the Lord knows where”
After a long night of drinking and being offended, Alma and Ann retired to the bedroom to dissect the festivities they’d just taken part in. Ann’s main gripe was with a dress that Ashley was wearing which went “up to the Lord knows where”. Of course the Lord knows where, he knows everything. He knows where flight MH 370 is, he knows who shot JR and he even knows what the heck Victoria’s Secret is. What a redundant statement, Ann. If you’re going to make fun of someone’s outfit, maybe try not to look like one of the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory before you launch this tirade.
Images via Channel 5
