Jesus fucking Christ
Please, sit down. Your Dad and I need to talk to you about something.
When a man and woman really love each other, they’re going to feel urges – you might know exactly what’s happening at first, but when you start to feel it you’re definitely going to know.
And, son, Maltesers have brought out some new products and honestly, you’re going to excessively salivate and then subsequently shit with excitement when you see them.
Buttons, son. Maltesers buttons. The crunchy bit of Maltesers squashed into tiny little chocolate discs that you can stuff 12 at a time into your gullet. What did we do to deserve this? I don’t know. I just do not know. They’re coming in different sized bags, son. Small ones right up to the laughably titled ‘share bags’. Cute, isn’t it? The concept of sharing 159g of Maltesers with anyone other than your fat gob? Cute.
But that’s not all, child. Heavens no, we’ve gone fancy now. We’ve got truffles.
Creamy, crunchy, truffly. Life has finally become worth living again. Look at that cross section. LOOK AT IT. A chocolate shell, some kind of creamy substance and then crunchy Malteser pieces suffocated in a thick layer of chocolate.
Society is crumbling and the world is on the brink of several wars, but at least we have Maltesers. Maltesers don’t ask for much, they silently exist even when you don’t see them there. They know their place, and it’s right in the mix of a jumbo box of cinema popcorn, washed down with an absurd amount of carbonated beverage. But now they’re emerging from the shadows, demanding to be seen. It’s Maltesers’ time and we owe it to them to pay some respect.
These new treats are available mid-July and frankly, I will be booking the launch day off work so that I can gorge myself on Maltesers in the privacy of my own home.
