Day 34.
We’ve done it, we’ve made it to the end of another week.
Those pesky islanders have been up to all sorts, haven’t they? Who knew that Wes was so good at telekinesis, eh? Maybe you missed that episode, not to worry.
Last night’s episode was fine. Yet again we’ve been left on a cliffhanger, but maybe it’s for the best. Life is nothing without suspense.
Here’s six deeply important moments you might’ve missed on last night’s show.
1. The garden had a really good idea
Sorry for getting off to a bad start here, but I need you to understand how boring this series has been. Nothing happens, no one does anything. They just sit around and moan all day despite being on a completely free holiday with as much booze, biscuits and sun as they want. We’re two weeks from the end. I have lost my mind, so please just bear with me, thanks.
Last night the villa’s garden had a really good idea. You can tell this because a giant lightbulb has appeared above the lawn, which typically indicates inspiration has struck during a cartoon. But what was the idea? What has the lawn thought of? Perhaps it has decided that the contestants should be a smidge less boring to prevent the show from suffering the same fate as Big Brother now that the novelty has fully worn off. Or just make the series a few weeks shorter. Either or.
2. Even the subtitles writer doesn’t know how to spell Kieran
As a legitimate Irish person, I can confirm that Kieran is the correct spelling of this name. But having met all manner of variations on my own name, I can sympathise with Kieran’s eventual frustrations when he leaves the villa and learns that nobody has been spelling his relatively simple name correctly. This is mass embarrassment on a very large stage. He will never live this down. I called him Hench Paul Potts a couple of days ago, an accurate shout I continue to stand behind, but this latest grievance is sure to create huge problems for Kieran in the future. He won’t be able to renew his passport, get a driving licence, or even sign up for Netflix because they’ll all assume that it’s a fraudulent spelling of a fake name. I feel your pain, Kierkjhadssadran.
3. Kieran ate a bowl of human flesh for breakfast and also his right armpit looks like a vagina
To stay in shape, people do all manner of things. Some focus on their protein intake, others flog detox teas on their Instagram for 10% of the profits. Love Island‘s Kieran, however, relies on the sweet nutrition of raw human flesh to keep his muscles in check. He started yesterday off with a hearty bowl of flesh and ate it piece by piece with a fork. It’s not known where the flesh has come from, but recently dumped islander Grace hasn’t been seen since she left the villa, so it’s probably hers. The most disturbing part about this whole situation wasn’t the fact that Kieran was eating human flesh for breakfast, it was the fact that his right armpit looks like a vagina. Look at it. Tell me I am wrong.
4. Samira’s elbow looks like a boob
Excuse the vulgarity between the previous point and this one, but don’t you dare even try to tell me that Alex is not caressing a bosom with his armpit in the above image. That is a boob, complete with a nipple. Samira’s elbow, when bent a specific way, looks exactly like a boob. Perhaps that is the real reason why she is leaving the Love Island villa. For fear that the public would notice her boob/elbow hybrid and berate her for it, which is precisely what I am doing right now. But I stand in favour of her elboob. I hope that Samira, Frankie and her elboob can find love, peace and happiness in the outside world. Godspeed, Samira. Godspeed, elboob.
5. They say curiosity killed the cat, but it was actually Jack off Love Island
During last night’s task, the boys had to rescue a cat from a tree just like real life firemen do. Jack successfully climbed the rope, then ended up knocking the blatantly fake cat out of its spot in the tree. His reaction suggested regret, but his eyes spoke differently. Jack actually wanted to kill the cat, he has long had issues with curiosity. They each have the same amount of kills to their name, so Jack wanted to one-up curiosity with its favourite target, a cat. His reaction pictured above is actually that of complete and utter unbridled joy. Curiosity, on this occasion, has not killed a cat. It was Jack Fincham, a pen salesman from Kent, and he regrets precisely nothing.
6. Sam, in an attempt at being sexy, made this deeply disturbing face
Spare a thought for Sam Bird aka ‘The Birdman’ today as this image is set to go viral across the internet with the caption ‘This is not a sexy man’. It’s fine, some people aren’t sexy, but they have other qualities, such as being smart and having the ability to know when a hard boiled egg is cooked to perfection. Sam, by and large, is not a sexy guy. So a task that involves having to be sexy was never going to be Sam’s strong point. He could’ve just shuffled his way through, hoping that his personality would add a sense of sex appeal rather than his moves. But no, instead, he fucked it from the outset. Within seconds of the task beginning, Sam pulled the above gurn as he unzipped an oversized jacket. He will never feel the warm embrace of a woman again.
Images via ITV
