Day 38.
Right, the jig is up. I cannot make it any clearer in these intros that this is the most boring series of Love Island I have ever seen, and I have watched a total of two series.
Nobody really does anything. They’re all quite annoying and it’s just a case of passing time now until Jack and Dani can officially be crowned as our winners.
With that in mind, finding six “essential” moments is near impossible to do each day, but nevertheless, I persevere.
Here’s some stuff that happened, along with some stuff I had to make up because they are so goddamn boring.
1. Alex can’t even place a comforting hand on someone without being the most awkward man in the world
Look at how unnatural that is. Look at it. Use your goddamn eyes and look. Sam was sharing some insecurities about his and Georgia’s relationship, and rightfully so. Rather than being a normal human and listening to Sam’s woes then telling him everything will be fine even though it absolutely won’t be, Alex decided to engage the emotive abilities of his robotic personality. He extended his left arm over to Sam’s right arm and kept it there for several minutes. Was this essential? Did it provide any solace to young lovestruck Sam? No. It was weird and it lingered for too long and Alex has again proven himself to be an awkward, pink lump.
2. One of the new girls sleeps with a stuffed rabbit
Not only does she sleep with a stuffed rabbit, she starts her mornings by sniffing it for a few minutes. Is there something untoward going on here? Is Stephanie making contact to the outside world via a stuffed rabbit? Is there a mobile phone with WAP capabilities hidden inside? What is the rabbit’s name? What age is he/she? Has the rabbit ever seen the inside of a washing machine? How old is Stephanie? Is the rabbit on Love Island to find love, just like everyone else? *Books a day of annual leave to get all of these questions answered because life has descended into a confusing pit of Love Island content*
3. Jack told Paul he looks like someone who listens to James Blunt AND HE IS EXACTLY RIGHT
To be fair, have you ever seen a man that listens to James Blunt more in your life? James Blunt doesn’t listen to James Blunt half as much as Paul off Love Island listens to James Blunt. New Jack was being a lairy lad asking Paul what kind of music he listens to when he unleashed the Blunt jibe, which turned out to be absolutely spot on. Paul revealed that he went through a breakup once and listened to Blunty, then started bawling his lamps out. Paul is a massive Blunt. He loves James Blunt. He both looks like and legitimately is a James Blunt fiend. An incredible shout from Jack who called it from the outset.
4. Josh proposed to Kaz because she made him a very mediocre frappuccino
To be fair, it’s not a horrendous effort at making a homemade frappuccino, but are we now living in a golden age where that’s all it takes to propose to someone? An iced coffee with some whipped cream on top? When Kaz delivered the icy drink to Josh, he told her to get a wedding dress. That’s all it took. He has now decided that they shall be wed. Now we all need to look deep inside ourselves and figure out precisely what it will take for you to be convinced that you’ve found your future husband or wife. For me, it is a reasonably priced Freddo. That’s simply all I need for confirmation of eternal love.
5. Alexandra and Laura got Chuckled™
They got Chuckled™ so hard! The both of them! Chuckled™ beyond belief! Chuckling™ is when one of the Chuckle brothers (Barry or Paul) jumps into frame and poses for a photograph. It was a slightly awkward time for Barry to Chuckle™ the girls, given that Alexandra was relatively upset, but that’s the beauty of being Chuckled™. It can happen at any given moment. I was once at a funeral and just as they were lowering the coffin into the ground, both Barry and Paul appeared to lean on the gravestone and get a photograph taken. It provided some light relief from what was otherwise quite a sad day.
6. Alex achieved a new level of pink
Truly, how pink can one man go over the course of eight weeks? We’re about to find out. Last night, Alex levelled up yet again and became an even brighter shade of pink. This particular hue is closer to fuchsia than his previous efforts, with a slight neon effect coming through. This is a man who should not, under any circumstances, be allowed out into the sun without his entire body being covered up. Every day he sizzles in the sun, then spends the evening looking like the Pink Panther. It’s a never-ending cycle of skin damage. He is going to emerge from the villa looking like Jigglypuff and frankly, he deserves it.
Images via ITV
