Day 39.
Congratulations! You’ve caught my bluff. I’ve been sarcastically referring to them as “deeply important moments” since the start of the series. They’re not important at all, let alone deeply so. It’s garbage television. This is just a recap. Nobody has died. This is fine.
Last night’s episode was a fairly standard instalment of Love Island. They tanned, they flirted, they got ready for a night out which ended up consisting of sitting in the same garden they were in all day.
A few moments stood out that are worth revisiting, for no reason other than #content and #banter.
Here’s six things that happened. Do with them what you will.
1. Jack stuck his hands down his pants, then contaminated the communal box of crisps
Right, cancel all our plans to make Jack and Dani the winners of Love Island 2018. Everything has now changed. We’ve got a situation on our hands and that situation is Jack Fincham’s sweaty ballsack. As we’ve come to tolerate, Jack enjoys sticking his hands down his pants mid conversation. It’s a difficult trait to accept, but his legitimately decent personality means it’s easier to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions than if it was anyone else’s. However, last night, Jack crossed a line. He was chatting to Laura whilst fondling his balls, not an uncommon practice, when he made a grave mistake. Seconds later, Jack stuck his sweaty ball hand into the communal tub of crisps. Laura noticed, but said nothing as she was distracted by her heartbreak. Jack, I must announce with the heaviest of hearts, is now scum.
2. Laura had ~*relations*~ with a stuffed seal AND IT WASN’T JACK!!!!!!!
Thank you, I am here all week and also every week until I die. After breaking Laura’s heart yesterday, Jack took the honourable decision to sleep on the couch. Laura replaced him with a stuffed seal and based on the way they woke up together, it looks an awful lot like the pair had spent all night boning. Regardless of whether they did or not, it’s a beautiful sight. People fall in love with all manner of inanimate objects these days, so who are we to stand in the way of a connection between one woman and her teddy? Side note: The microphone poking out of the headboard is absurdly creepy, but to be fair, always manages to capture ~*relations*~ audio and for that reason, I respect it.
3. Jack communicated ‘chicken breasts’ to the Spanish supermarket worker by pointing to Dani’s boobs
What is sure to go down as The Best Moment Of Love Island 2018 occurred during last night’s episode. Jack and Dani were sent on the annual Love Island trip to the supermarket. Last year we saw Chris and Olivia having approximately 17 arguments as they felt the pressure of cooking for the rest of their housemates. But this time, it was Jack and Dani’s turn to get the weekly shop in. Obviously the language barrier was a problem, but quick-thinking Jack managed to communicate their requirement of chicken breasts by confidently pointing at Dani’s boobs. There is no amount of money in this world that I deem too much to pay to see Danny Dyer watching that exact moment during last night’s show.
4. Paul revealed that he is distantly related to Benjamin Franklin, so, cool???
Finally, someone worthy of being on the television. Paul and Laura were making smalltalk when Paul let slip that he’s half Swedish and distantly related to Benjamin Franklin, which he learned from doing a DNA ancestry test. What a guy. He seemed like a regular carpenter from Bournemouth, but it turns out he’s a descendent of one of the Founding Fathers of the United States. The man is basically royalty and he’s having to slum it with Danny Dyer’s daughter and a girl who legitimately uses the term ‘choccy milk’ to describe chocolate milk. Get him out of the villa and into a decent hotel immediately. He doesn’t deserve this bullshit.
5. Laura! Fancies! Eamonn! Holmes!
I’ve been trying to figure out why Laura keeps getting pied and during last night’s episode, it all came to light. She’s an absolute weirdo, that’s why. She might seem normal on the surface, even up for a laugh sometimes, but she’s hiding a dark and sinister secret. Laura fancies Eamonn Holmes and proudly revealed that during last night’s show, much to the understandable horror of her fellow islanders. The 58-year-old Northern Irishman is an acquired taste, exclusively one that his wife indulges in from time to time. Everything makes sense now. Laura will never find love because she is a certified oddball.
6. Alexandra offered to do Laura’s makeup to sabotage her chances with Paul
The girls were in the bathroom getting ready for the night while Dani and Jack prepared dinner in the kitchen, as all good parents do. Alexandra was tending to Laura’s makeup as she gushed about Paul, then it became apparent that they were both after the same guy. Laura joked that Alexandra better not ruin her makeup, to which Alexandra replied “No I’ve done it really nicely, if I was a bitch I wouldn’t”. Without comment, I present the above image. Is that a nice makeup application? Or is it one done by someone that is trying to sabotage Laura’s chances with every male specimen on the planet? Legally, I cannot share my own views, but I feel that the evidence is strong enough to speak for itself. Girl got played.
Images via ITV
