Day 45.
Finally! The baby episode! It’s here!
Last year we saw Cash Hughes come to prominence thanks to the pretend reproductive capabilities of his parents Chris and Olivia. Some say he’s still a huge part of the social scene today, carrying out nightclub appearances and giving tell-all interviews to OK! Magazine on a bi-monthly basis, the nutter.
So the pressure was on for this year’s baby episode to deliver. In an otherwise relatively uneventful series, they needed this episode to work. We needed it. The entire country needed it. Even Brexit, on some level, needed it.
Here’s seven moments from last night’s show that are worth revisiting.
1. Dani said she looked exactly like her and Jack’s toy baby when she was younger, but????
It may have been a comment intended for comedic effect, but it certainly didn’t land that way. Dani legitimately turned to Jack and said “I looked like that when I was little”, as she was stroking the toy doll’s head. I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Is Dani aware that this isn’t really her baby? It is not the by-product of her and Jack’s relations which they are yet to have, it is merely an industry standard toy doll, aimed to scare people into never having children because they are, at best, the spawn of satan. These lovers have been in that villa for 45 days and are yet to consummate their relationship. Even if they had, the gestation period for humans is a smidge longer than 1.5 months.
2. Alex FINALLY started giving out free health checks, but they were for literal toy dolls
45 days he’s been on that island and hasn’t offered up a sniff of medical services to a single one of his fellow Love Island contestants. Why? Because Alex is a selfish pink man who’s unwilling to share his skillset for the greater good. Grace was in the villa for two days and she gave out free haircuts, but Alex took a month and a half to see sense. When he finally slipped into Doctor mode, Alex gave free checkups TO THE DOLLS. Forget about the actual humans who are at this stage most likely riddled with a variety of tropical diseases, instead, Alex turned his medically trained efforts to the dolls. “Two eyes, yep. Two ears. Looks good” was the height of his consultancy and he will most likely invoice the parents once the show ends. The man is scum. Pink, sun intolerant scum.
3. New Jack and new Laura put suncream ON THEIR PLASTIC DOLL’S HEAD
Not to labour the point here, but the islanders have lost their goddamn minds. They’ve been sat frazzling their brains in the sun for weeks and with the end in sight, all logic has been abandoned as they settle into their newfound lives as professional morons. New Jack and Laura were sitting in the sun when the mood struck Jack to look after the baby’s skin. Both got involved and tenderly applied suncream on their toy doll’s head and neck to protect it from the harmful UV rays of the sun. Once again, to reiterate, it is not a real baby, nor is it theirs. They wasted perfectly good suncream on an object without any real skin to protect. This show is barbaric. The contestants are idiots. God bless the Love Island.
4. Alex described childbirth in incredibly specific detail, much to the horrification of his fellow islanders
What started out as an innocent query from Wes descended into harrowingly specific detail from Alex. He gave the boys a very in-depth blow-by-blow account of how a woman gives birth, using the word ‘tear’ an uncomfortable amount of times and generally just being a massive doctor about everything. Alex could’ve sugar coated it, made it sound like a wonderful occasion with sunshine and smiles, but he opted to tell the guys about how you need to be quite strong so that you can tear the abdominal muscles with your bare hands so that they can heal better. It was a grim experience for everyone involved and it’s unlikely any of them are ever going to have sex again as a direct result.
5. The new Lion King reboot looks a bit shit
It’s the same as the old Lion King movie except Rafiki and Simba have been replaced by new Jack and a baby doll. Everything else stays the exact same, but those two characters are different. Honestly, it’s a bold move from Disney. The Lion King is a solid favourite among movie fans and to pluck two relatively unknown inexperienced actors to fill these pivotal roles is a ballsy move. The film is expected to go into production in early 2019 with the first trailers due out next summer. Whatever the outcome, one thing is clear. I have lost my goddamn mind and the 2018 Love Island finale can’t come quick enough.
6. Alex absolutely fucking snotted himself and his daughter
This is absolutely one hundred percent a precursor for what life is going to be like for Doctor Alex in 5-7 years time. He will somehow locate a woman that wants to bare his child. He will, at some stage, be left alone with the baby. He will invite over his one friend that is always no further than ten square miles away and the pair will set up an obstacle course in the back garden. Upon testing the course, Alex will trip over literally nothing and maim both himself and the baby. Given that he is a doctor, he will very quickly fix any blatant injuries and then act as if nothing happened. How has this man tended to sick people, when he is indeed a sick person himself?
7. Josh dislimbed his own son because sometimes the people you love are the ones that hurt you the most
Just pulled the arm clean off, didn’t he? Dad Of The Year Josh Denzel yanked his son’s arm out of his body like some kind of sick arm-hungry pervert. But wait, isn’t there a doctor in the house? Maybe he could help reattach it and provide some medical assistance to those affected by what they’ve just witnessed? Oh what’s that, he’s too busy doing that weird nose twitch thing and talking about how he’s hurt his shin after tripping over literally nothing and almost killing his own baby? Haha, banter. A CHILD HAS LOST AN ARM. We must shut down the Love Island immediately and go back to watching The Office reruns every night. Thank you.
Images via ITV
