“Michael Myers is an asthmatic”
Everyone has their shortcomings in life. Some go grey very young, others aren’t as tall as they’d like to be, some have Tory parents and a few people, just like me, have never seen Halloween before.
Given that it’s Spooky Season™, it makes perfect sense for me to rectify this troubling situation with immediate effect.
The premise is simple, I watched Halloween in its entirety for the very first time and documented my thoughts throughout the movie.
Can a 30-year-old movie hold up in this modern age? Can a Halloween virgin avoid the temptation to ruin this film for every fan alive?
*rolls up sleeves* Let’s find out.
1. Oh so THAT’S where that music comes from. Always thought it was a Chopsticks remix.
2. How have we, as a society, managed to incorporate A VEGETABLE into something as scary as the concept of Halloween. Pumpkins are the least terrifying vegetable around.
3. Frankly, if you leave your back door wide open at night, you deserve to be brutally stabbed to death by an intruder.
4. Despite his many flaws, it has to be acknowledged that Michael Myers is a very good and safe driver.
5. What kind of degenerate kids go trick-or-treating when it’s still bright out? Dorks. That’s whom.
6. Who goes to view a potentially haunted house in the dead of night? Or even just a regular one?
7. Michael Myers is an asthmatic.
8. Do posh people call the boogeyman the pram-man?
9. The scariest part of this movie is how willingly these teens answer the house phone every time it rings.
10. 1978 was a very horny time for all involved.
11. Babysitting is the most corrupt industry in existence. You just watch telly.
12. WHY DOES NOBODY LOCK THEIR DOOR IN THIS BOUJIE NEIGHBOURHOOD?
13. If porn was as widely available in 1978 as it is today, Michael Myers wouldn’t have had to hide behind windows watching teens ~*doing it*~. He could’ve had that privilege from the comfort of his couch.
14. There’s no way a steak knife can sustain the entire weight of a teen nailed to a door. There are better ways. The writer of this movie is not a Catholic.
15. Is this movie not just a very long advert for the importance of house alarms?
16. If the rest of us adopted the same mentality as these teens (never turning on lights, literally ever) maybe the climate wouldn’t be in such a state right about now.
17. So every door is magically locked when Jamie Lee Curtis is trying to escape the murder house? But they have all been open until now? Convenient.
18. Crazy that this all happened on Halloween. Would be so boring if they had to call the movie St Swithin’s Day or August 29th or something.
19. WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?
20. This movie gives unrealistic expectations of how hard it is to kill someone.
21. HE HAS TAKEN A KNITTING NEEDLE TO THE NECK, A HANGER TO THE EYE, A STABBING, MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS AND A FALL FROM A SECOND FLOOR WINDOW. HOW IS THE H*CK IS MICHAEL MYERS STILL ALIVE?
22. Feel quite bad for Jamie Lee Curtis. All her friends are dead, the boogeyman is still out there, her blouse is ruined, she’s never going to get another babysitting gig again and to add to all that, she’s still a massive virgin.
