Day 12
Love Island, am I right?
Now twelve days deep into this particular cycle of the show, things are by all accounts continuing to simmer away nicely.
Prior to Maura’s arrival, the level of dramatics was somewhat lacklustre, but now it seems that we’re firmly on track to witness a relatively spicy series thanks to her unquenchable horn.
Last night’s show was fine. A decent effort. If we had to grade it, a C+. The biggest shock was Tommy coupling up with Molly-Mae, followed by Yewande’s choice of shower footwear.
Here’s six things you might have missed.
1. Amy wore the worst swimming togs we’ve ever seen in the entirety of Love Island history
Presumably fished out of the Primark bargain bucket beside the tills for the ripe price of 50p, Amy has brought the worst swimsuit in the history of Love Island into that godforsaken villa. It’s hard to see because she’s cleverly concealed it with her microphone pack strap, but the words ‘Bae Watch’ are printed across the front of that hellish one piece. As in Baywatch, all one word, which is the name of a 90s drama series based on the trials and tribulations of being a lifeguard in Los Angeles. ‘Bae’ stands for ‘before anyone else’, so the message makes little sense. ‘Before Anyone Else Watch’, Amy. That’s what your swimsuit says. You’ve made three appalling decisions here, having bought the garment, then packed it in your luggage and finally decided to wear it in front of the entire nation. This is a criminal activity.
2. Amy and Lucie absolutely fucking went for it during the Bridezilla task and it was spectacular viewing
This is precisely the level of drama we’ve been craving on Love Island over the past two weeks and slowly but surely, it’s starting to gain traction. Lucie and Amy’s contempt for each other is finally starting to come to a head. Not since the great Pop Idol battle of 2002 between Gareth Gates and Will Young has the country been this divided. But alas, the nation must decide – are we team Lucie or team Amy? A census will arrive to households across the UK within the next 5-7 working days, which homeowners must fill in at their nearest convenience, documenting which side of the feud they fall on. Once the responses have been tallied and a clear victor crowned, the losing party will (humanely) be put to sleep and instantly forgotten about forevermore.
3. Tommy very blatantly took a sneaky picture of ‘Little Tommy’
He was sitting on the couch after a hard day’s tanning and whispering with Lucie when the mood appeared to strike Tommy to take a photograph of little Tommy. Presumably Maura harassed him via text message to reply to her salacious words, with him eventually giving in. The angle of the camera and look of concentration sprawled across Tommy’s face proves that he is taking a picture of Little Tommy, or ‘Lil Tom’ for short. Now that we know why Sherif was kicked out of the villa (for using the C-word), it feels only right to question Tommy and indeed Lil Tom’s position in the villa when they’re so boldly sharing naughty images to fellow contestants. If you download the Love Island app you can get access to these exclusive photographs, probably. Ts&Cs apply.
4. Maura suggestively consumed an ice lolly like it was her goddamn job
Continuing to pull this series clean out of the gutter, Maura suggestively chomped her way through an ice lolly for the benefit of one Thomas ‘Tommy’ Fury only. From the moment that wrapper was discarded, she went to town on the lolly, mixing equal parts saucy consumption and eye contact with a view to tricking Tommy into loving her. It was a valiant effort, made all the more impressive by her dedication to subtlety. Not one of those girls noticed Maura’s performance, contrasted with Tommy’s immediate decision to alert all of the boys to his one-man show. We’ve never seen such unbridled lust on our television screens before. Not this blatantly. We are being treated to the performance of a lifetime. This is reality television in the year of our lord 2019. This is Love Island.
5. Yewande is evidently taking no chances with verrucas in that villa
The People’s Champion Yewande took a shower before the re-coupling last night, presumably to get any remnants of the Bridezilla food fight task off her person. She’s no hero. Yewande washes her body one appendage at a time, just like you and I. But if you looked closely, you would’ve noticed that Yewande wears flip-flops in the shower. It could be for a variety of reasons, but the most logical one is that she senses that her fellow islanders are disgusting animals, riddled with verrucas. Rather than taking her chances with those pesky foot warts, Yewande showers wearing flip-flops to avoid bacterial infection. So, which islanders have verrucas? At a glance, Anton, Maura, Anna, Michael, Amy and Curtis. Tommy also probably has a verruca but just hasn’t noticed it yet.
6. George Little made an appearance during the re-coupling ceremony
He makes an appearance and every year, so thankfully this series is no different. During last night’s re-coupling ceremony, George Little (of the Stuart Little franchise fame) swooped in and stole Amber’s heart. He’s noticeably different now, having grown up and matured into a fine young man, complete with an earring, nose ring and tattoos aplenty. George didn’t mention whether he’s still on good terms with his rodent brother, but it’s rumoured that Stuart actually drove him to set in his famous little red sports car. George is older now, wiser, hardened to the ways of the world. For example, he feels that heteronormative reality television series are growing tired, in need of a long-overdue shakeup to retain the interest of audiences whose attention is constantly being competed for thanks to endless distractions. Pretty woke guy, actually.
Images via ITV
