Day 14
Boy oh boy that Love Island pesky villa, eh?
Last night’s episode saw the contestants regurgitate various food items into each others’ mouths all in the name of love, healthy competition and national embarrassment.
We also were treated to Elma constructing the most rational and well-constructed argument we’ve ever seen in the entire history of Love Island, much to Maura’s indifference.
All in all, it was a fine episode. Not the main course but a very filling starter. 7/10.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s show.
1. The communal Love Island crisps appear to be kept in a glass box LIKE SOME KIND OF BOUJIE BULLSHIT NONSENSE
The communal crisps in any holiday villa are typically left in their original packaging and torn open in an accessible manner down the side so that everyone can get to the savoury delights. If you’re on holidays with some posh freaks, perhaps, at the very most, the crisps will be decanted into a bowl or similar vessel depending on availability. But even Queen Elizabeth II herself wouldn’t elevate to such levels of grandeur that involve putting crisps in a glass box. It’s ludicrous. These islanders are all going to make a lot of money when they leave the villa, but as of right now, they are average folk who should be eating crisps straight from the packet, ending with a ceremonial tipping of the remnants of the bag into their mouths to get every last crumb.
2. Elma required the warmth of a blanket IN 21° MALLORCAN NIGHTTIME HEAT
Spare a thought for Elma who is presumably returning to the UK today, where the nighttime temperature has been dipping as low as 10°C in previous weeks. She’ll take a while to acclimatise from the Mallorcan way of life, where the daytime temperature reached the mid 30s and factor 50 suncream was a mandatory addition to all islanders. The blanket appears to be a fashion accessory because there is simply no way that it’s required in peak summer conditions right now. Elma has been taunting us, mocking our pathetic British summer that is yet to fully kick into gear. Was she voted out of the villa because of her inability to tolerate the barely noticeable chill in the Mallorcan evenings? Frankly, yes. Hopefully so.
3. Tommy was a very good boy all day so he got a special belly rub as a reward
Tommy was a good boy yesterday. He ate all his breakfast from the proper bowl and then waited patiently to be taken out for a walk. Tommy was good on the walk, he did five wees and two poos and was careful not to tug on the leash too hard. He didn’t bark at anyone and most importantly, he was respectful to other walkers by allowing them to interact with him. Then they got back to the villa so Tommy could have a much-needed lie down in the sun and some water. After a while, Milly-Mae came over and gave Tommy one of his special belly rubs because good behaviour begets rewards. Tommy has been a good boy and hopes to continue that well into the week. We wish him the best of luck.
4. Tommy and Molly-Mae finally reached third base!!!
Huge congratulations to Tommy Fury and Molly-Mae Hague who reached third base during last night’s Love Island. For those unfamiliar with the system, first base is admitting that you fancy each other, second base is jeopardising the relationship by being tempted/aroused by a horny girl from Longford and third base is passing a milkshake from one mouth to another in a truly repugnant manner. It’s a huge step for the pair whose coupling hung in the balance as recent as two days ago thanks to a persistent third wheel. But things seem to be firmly back on track with their decision to reach third base yesterday and as the photographic evidence suggests, it was a roaring success. These two are going all the way, mark my words.
5. One of the girls drew a ketchup heart on a burger USING THEIR MOUTH AND SOME SECOND HAND KETCHUP
The annual licence-fee-cancellation-justification task took place during last night’s show, which involved the contestants transporting food from one area to another using just their mouths. Whoever devised this challenge is a deeply perverted-individual and without coming across too harsh, I sincerely hope they die. Yet again we had to witness the boys filling their gobs with all manner of liquids and solids, then decanting it into their lovers’ mouth who then had to produce the tray pictured above. In a final cutaway shot, we saw that one of the girls managed to put a ketchup love heart atop one of the burgers, which is an incredible feat. Who could produce such a masterpiece? Maybe Yewande, definitely not Amy. Sadly, we will never know because they didn’t show us.
6. During his final hug with Anton, Joe stared forlornly at himself in the mirror like some kind of movie villain
“I’ll miss you”, Joe said. “You too, bruv”, replied Anton. But Joe wasn’t talking to Anton, he was talking to himself in the mirror. He committed the ultimate act of deceit during his time on Love Island, modelling his entire persona on the character Joe from Netflix’s hit series You. Twitter played right into his game, constructing memes and references to the creepy character, but the joke is on them now because Joe played a blinder. He wanted to be too much. He doesn’t even know how to make sandwiches, that was all a clever decoy. You see, if you preempt the memes before you go into the Love Island villa, only then will you truly win. Sure, he lasted a fortnight but he gained several thousand Instagram followers and tricked us all, probably. Checkmate.
Images via ITV
