Why him? Why not…
Last week, Liam Gallagher threw his hat into the ring to become the next Prime Minister. Whilst the great bad and the good worse of the Tory party were whittling their rabble of assorted reprobates down to two, the former Oasis frontman was making his own case to replace Theresa May as the nation’s new leader.
My name is liam Gallagher I have 4 beautiful children I have dabbled in drugs over the years I’ve had many number 1s now send me the keys to no10 I’ll sort this pile of shit out WHY ME?WHY NOT.
— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) June 18, 2019
As you’d expect, this was met with the usual reception of guffaws, eye-rolls and SORT THINGS OUT WITH NOEL AND BRING BACK OASIS M8 pleas. But, honestly, is it *such* a ridiculous notion? If a sexist, racist tangerine can become the Leader of the Free World, why can’t Liam rock up at Number 10?
The more pertinent question is: Is Liam Gallagher any better than the most likely outcome? As much as politicos maintain the pretence it’s a two-horse race, we all know that Boris Johnson will soon take charge of this shit show of the country. But would r kid do a better job? For what it’s worth, let’s take a look…
Communication
Johnson is one of the most inept communicators in politics. As much as he may occasionally dip into cod-Latin to provide the illusion of intellectualism, he is in fact a blathering idiot who – as a number of people have pointed out – fluffs and garbles his way through each sentence like Paul Whitehouse’s very drunk Rowley Birkin QC character from the Fast Show.
Gallagher, on the other hand, is one of the most economical and direct propagators around. Indeed his mastery of social media is second to none. He tells you exactly what you need to know in the most concise terms possible, and shares the exact same message across Twitter, Instagram and Instagram stories. He even signs off with ‘LG x’ so you know it’s him.
Europe
Johnson is all over the place. He has previously written about his pro-Europe views, warned about the ‘economic shock’ of leaving the EU, promoted the virtues of a single market on numerous occasions, and now advertises himself as Brexiteer-in-Chief. Boris Johnson has no clear stance on Europe – he will say or do anything that helps promote Boris Johnson.
Gallagher is far more consistent. Philosophically, he is a Europhile – but it is rooted in pragmatism. “I love Europe. I guess the borders have got to be tightened, but all the ‘this is my country’ stuff, I don’t get that. We all live under one sky. I certainly don’t sit there and go ‘this is my fucking England, stay out’” The very antithesis of the Little Englander.
Politics
Gallagher’s party politics are a little more oblique. Prior to the last general election he told John Snow that he was “brought up in a Labour Party kinda house”, and so he’d “be voting Labour – but that’s as far as it goes.” Tellingly, he admitted that he didn’t “really know what Corbyn is about” – a sentiment shared by some of Labour’s traditional demographic.
Johnson, on the other hand, is as Tory as they come.
Drugs
Johnson’s drug history is fuzzy at best, mainly due to the fact he can’t work out a consistent story himself. He previously admitted to taking cocaine at university, but then in a separate interview claimed he didn’t actually snort it. In 2005, his tale became: “I sneezed and so it did not go up my nose…in fact, I may have been doing icing sugar.” Shambles.
Gallagher has made no secret of his own drug use. But he’s not impressed by those in power getting stoned off their nut. “If I saw a politician taking drugs, they’d get a crack round the head,” he told BBC Breakfast. “I’d say, ‘What are you doing, you doughnut’. They’re meant to be running the country, aren’t they?”
Security
Rather than outlining a clear stance on national security, Johnson seems more intent on attacking Jeremy Corbyn as some form of ISIS apologist. His own speculations are unsurprisingly facetious and puerile: “If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally wankers. Severe onanists.”
Considering he is the rock star of the two, rather than a PM-in-waiting, Gallagher is much more coherent. “I think we should definitely keep an eye on who’s coming in and out of the country. That just makes common sense ‘cos you don’t want a load of loony cunts coming in. But good people should be allowed to move and groove wherever they want.”
Diplomacy
Gallagher’s thoughts on Donald Trump? “He’s a dick.” The Supreme Leader of North Korea? “Kim Jong fuckin’ whatever he’s called, they’re all off their fuckin’ tits.” And on his own brother’s views on Brexit? “Nothing worse than a cunt who doesn’t vote, then has an opinion on everything.” Let’s face it, Liam isn’t the world’s greatest diplomat.
But then, he’s never called French people ‘turds’. Or Muslim women ‘letterboxes’. Or suggested the Turkish President fucks goats. Or described Hillary Clinton as a ‘sadistic nurse in a mental hospital’. Or called black people ‘flag-waving piccaninnies’ or said they’ve got ‘watermelon smiles’. Or blabbed something stupid that leads to a British citizen being imprisoned in Iran.
Conclusion
In the words of Stormzy, “Fuck Boris”. LG for PM. As you were. x
