Day 26
Love Island? More like Argument Island, am I right?
Last night’s show was just three separate arguments spread out over the course of 46 minutes, with supporting roles added here and there, displaying varying levels of conviction from all participants involved.
It was a heavy watch. There was no room to breathe. No banter occurred. The banter meter remained at 0.00 throughout. It was a relatively meme-less night.
Still, it was bloody good television. Like when two feuding families on Coronation Street have it out, you hate to see it, but at the same time, you crave the drama, albeit with the television at a slightly lower volume than usual to partially mute all the shrieking.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. Danny’s eyes were literally burning as he watched everything around him crumble into dust
Last night’s Love Island was uncomfortable viewing, but imagine having to actually sit there and watch the whole thing unfold in real life. Imagine how much you would want to die on the spot? Well, that happened, and our islanders lived through it. Fittingly, Danny’s stupid fake glasses reflected the famous villa fire pit perfectly as he watched Caroline Flack questioning Michael with all the determination of a police detective who’s moments away from cracking a case that’s followed her around for the entirety of her career, all culminating in this final interview, a single day before retirement. “This is fine”, Danny thought to himself, somehow emerging from the burning building without a scratch, his own shameful actions overlooked due to the magnitude of the blaze. “Yes, this is fine”.
2. In the ultimate act of Anglo/Irish betrayal Amber made fun of Maura’s accent
On behalf of the nation of Ireland, Amber Gill, how very dare you make fun of our collective speech impediment. In the same way that Brits simply cannot pronounce the letter ‘R’, Irish people often struggle with the notoriously tricky ‘th’ sound. It’s something we’ve come to terms with long ago, recognising that we have other strengths, such as the ability to produce decent crisps and bands that are so good they make you forget that the lead singer is an absolute melt. But Amber brought things to a critical level last night when she used the phrase ‘Dead ting’ in relation to Michael’s new lady friend. She mocked Maura’s accent, an innocent party in all of this, with her harsh ‘th’ sound. *Touches earpiece* Oh, I see. So it’s a common term? Oh. Right. And cool people use it? Okay. Sound. Never mind then.
3. Ovie put his 6ft 7in height and accompanying wingspan to great use by comforting two women at the same time
Ovie Soko is a very large man. In every description of her and Ovie’s undeniable connection, Anna will always list ‘tall’ as one of his attributes. Ovie is tall. 6ft 7in tall, to be precise. Yes, he plays basketball, as is the law when you are a tall person. But he also just wants to look after his lady and her friend in that godforsaken Love Island villa. Seeing him comfort Amber during last night’s showdown was heartwarming. He might be tall, but he also has a heart that is in perfect proportion to the rest of his internal organs. Perhaps his heart beats twice as fast as the rest of ours, simply because he is tall. There is no way to know. All we know for certain is that Ovie expertly used his impressive wingspan to comfort two girls at once last night because he is A Good But Also Tall Guy. Two girls, one gigantic man. This is masculinity in 2019. This is love. This is Love Island.
4. THERE IS A 19TH ISLANDER LIVING IN THE VILLA AND WE NEED TO FIND THEM
Mictiael, whoever you are, we know you’re living in the Love Island villa and you have 24 hours to present yourself or we will be forced to take legal action. An appliance of yours has been spotted in the famous Love Island toilet, thanks to the presence of a label. Please, all we want to do is talk. Who are you? What is your story? Why haven’t you been given any airtime? Are you too perplexed by the animalistic antics of your fellow islanders to get involved? Are you a member of the production team who forgot to bring all of their belongings with them after a quick freshen up and a poo? You needn’t be scared. As the Twitter hashtag has shown us this year, viewers are incredibly warm, welcoming and respectful of reality television stars. No harm can come from stepping forward, Mictiael. Make yourself known.
5. Jordan, although claiming to be very chill about the Anna situation, involuntarily sprouted a Carmex tube from his neck
Jordan? Nah man he’s chill. He’s chill. HE’S CHILL. Yes Anna has pied him for 6ft 7in adonis Ovie, but he’s taking it all in his stride, very comfortably reminding everyone about how mature he’s being about the whole thing. Then explain this, Jordan. Explain how you managed to sprout a tube of Carmex out of the back of your neck while you were sat poolside chatting about how unbothered you are? That seems like the action of a man that seems bothered, quite a bit bothered actually. Fundamentally, very bothered. Carmex lip balm is used to soften lips FOR KISSING, but why would you care about kissing when you’re over Anna? Strange, innit. Not saying anything, just putting the theory out there. Might be a coincidence, who knows.
6. Amber, although devastated, became the human embodiment of the cry laugh emoji
Amber revealed last night that she suffers from a rare condition called Cry Laugh Emoji Disorder. It’s become more prevalent in recent years as emoji usage becomes more common and people start to imitate their most used emojis. Amber was rightfully crying over her and Michael’s situation as Ovie and Anna did their best to comfort her. She landed somewhere in between crying and laughing as Ovie tore chunks out of Michael, a complete stranger who has wronged the friend of a girl he fancies. She cried, she laughed, she basically looked exactly like an emoji. When they leave the Love Island villa, these precious contestants are going to need to find work. Emoji impressionism is a niche but lucrative industry. Amber needs to carefully weigh up her options before making a move, but this could be a winner. We wish her and indeed all the Love Island inhabitants the very best with their future endeavours.
Images via ITV
