Day 29
Five weeks into Love Island 2019 and what have we learned? Mostly just that casting attractive people for reality TV is aesthetically pleasing, but good grief are they boring.
Obviously we’re all going to have to see this series through right until the bitter end, but would it have killed them to send in a few 4/10s with absolutely banging personalities? Is that so much to ask for a light entertainment television show?
Last night’s show was fine. Craig bloody David showed up for 30 seconds to do a one-song DJ set, which was unfortunately the highlight of the series so far. Amy continued to take secret notes on her phone about Curtis’ shortcomings as a man, Amber continued to pretend to be unbothered by Michael pieing her, Danny continued to do and say absolutely nothing, and Ovie continued to be *Anna voice* really tall.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. Maura and Lucie launched the new summer 2019 Foot Locker uniform
Anyone that has worked in Foot Locker knows two things to be true. Firstly, there are no lockers for your feet and secondly, it’s a demanding job. You’re constantly running around getting different shoe sizes in the store room, tending to customers that appear to have never tried on shoes in their precious little lives before, all while keeping your face plastered with a convincing smile and looking like a goddamn football referee. In summary, you be sweatin’. You be sweatin’ profusely. That’s why the uniform needs to be lightweight and breathable. Enter: Swimwear. Lucie and Maura last night launched Foot Locker’s summer 2019 mandatory uniform range, which consists of bikinis, personalised water bottles, decorative cushions and ice pops. Stunning.
2. Craig David snagged his jacket getting out of the car but continued to do his DJ set because he is a goddamn professional
Much like wearing ripped jeans to a family event, we must body Craig ‘7 Days’ David for turning up to the Love Island villa in camouflage trousers and a severely ripped jacket. You’re going to be on telly, Craig David. For the first time in a long time, Craig David. Bo’ Selecta‘s impression of Craig David has been on telly more times than Craig David himself has been on telly. This was a big moment. He needed to dazzle us, remind us why he still deserves to be making nightclub appearances in the year of our Lord 2019. But alas, Craig David wore a knackered jacket and didn’t even carry his own laptop. He’s left us peasants a long time ago. Craig David is flying high with the big wigs now. He probably has Drake’s manager’s number now. We’re old news.
3. To celebrate Craig David’s one singular song DJ set, the islanders got to drink out of toothbrush holders
In the ultimate act of taking out the fancy crockery due to having guests over, the Love Island contestants got to sip their regulated singular nightly beverage out of toothbrush holders as opposed to the usual plastic receptacles. Why? Because Craig bloody David was in the building and he demands grandeur wherever he goes. The ‘I thought Craig David chilled on Sundays’ joke was made approximately 4,000 times on Twitter last night and rightfully so, but what these people failed to take into account was the fact that this particular party was filmed on Saturday, meaning Craig David actually made love that night. But to whom? Based on their reactions to his arrival into the villa, I am guessing Anton, Curtis or Amy. Possibly all three in unison.
4. Molly-Mae got her legs tangled in the microphone cables that run throughout the villa
It was an inevitability and now it has finally happened. With all the wiring that goes on in the Love Island villa, health and safety has always been a major concern. At any given time, there’s countless microphones in operation, along with lighting fixtures, cameras and operators, as well as a general hum of transmission static. What I’m saying is we are very lucky not to have had a Love Island death broadcast on television after an islander jumped into the pool with their microphone pack still on. Last night, Molly-Mae ended up tangled in cables all the way up past her knees. Tommy was no help because his hands are the size of watermelons, so Molly-Mae was forced to just sit on the floating couch until help arrived. We wish her a speedy recovery.
5. Michael and Joanna reached third base!!!
As we all know, first base is eye contact, second base is speaking to each other (without eye contact) and third base is getting lipstick off the other person’s tooth using your grubby little finger. With that in mind, we would like to extend a hearty congratulations to Michael and Joanna who last night reached that exact milestone, right before they had another heart to heart conversation about the only subject truly keeping them together – Amber. It’s expected that they will now continue to progress their relationship, reaching the dizzying highs of fourth base (informing each other when they have a visible bogey) and even fifth base (choosing the best embalming fluid for each others’ inevitable death). Love is real and it’s in that Love Island villa.
6. We finally got an accurate representation of how Brits dress when they’re abroad
It’s only taken five weeks, but finally a realistic Love Island contestant has entered the villa. Ovie might be Very Tall™, but he is also much more than that. Ovie is the first Love Island contestant this year to give us an accurate representation of Brits abroad. Look at him, wearing a hideous hat to escape the beating sun, teamed with a jazzy shirt and shorts co-ord that simply wouldn’t fly on the British isles. He’s trying out something new. On holidays, you’re braver. You’ll style your hair a little differently, maybe even try out a fake accent. It’s a safe space where nobody knows you. Linen shirts appear on your radar, even Crocs seem like a sufficiently banter purchase. You tell fellow holidaymakers that you’re actually a very big deal back home and taught Sir Richard Branson everything he knows. You change your outfit three times a day! It’s a different world. Thank you, Ovie, for bringing a little reality onto that godforsaken reality show.
Images via ITV
