Week 3 – Toys!
Big night on The Apprentice last night. The candidates had to make toys!
That was it, that was the task. Make 1 (one) toy per team. A simple challenge for some of the nation’s finest simple minds, surely?
Except, naturally, the fucked it. Every aspect of the task was unbridled chaos and embarrassment for both teams, which is quite frankly the only reason I’m still tuning into the show in the year of our Lord 2019.
Here’s nine deeply cringe moments that merit reliving through partially-covered eyes.
1. Ryan-Mark suggested that they name themselves ‘Team Fabulous’ and Karren Brady rolled her eyes so far back that she very briefly saw her own brain
After finally breaking down gender barriers and mixing both males and females in the team lineups, the task was put to our precious candidates to come up with a team name. Ryan-Mark, who had very clearly been thinking about this since he first sent the application form last year, proposed ‘Team Fabulous’ and Karren Brady in that very moment transcended through time and space with a ferocious eye roll. She did that one for us. That was on behalf of the nation. Thank you, Karren.
2. Souleyman didn’t vote for either of the team leaders because he clearly hated both options
“Let’s do a vote”, said Scarlett with a slightly aggressive tone. Everyone in favour of Riyonn, himself included, raised their hands. Thomas was waiting to vote for himself and sought comfort in seeing that Souleyman appeared to be offering some solidarity. Then it was time to raise hands for Thomas and Souleyman remained motionless. What a deliciously sick burn. He hated them both equally. He will not pander to The Apprentice‘s ways of emotional manipulation. That is a fighting spirit.
3. Thomas proved that he can’t draw a turtle for shit
It looks like a hand holding a plate of thickly sliced hot dogs with a sprinkling of misshapen dominos on top. Thomas has other strengths outside drawing and spelling, such as making quick sales and bouncing right back from a devastating loss in a team vote scenario. It seems like every task on The Apprentice that involves drawing or spelling is a powerful magnet for people that can do neither. Thomas even named the turtle after himself because his narcissism knows no bounds.
4. Claude wanted to die at all times throughout the task, as per
To be fair, Claude has had a rough run of it. Year after year he has to follow these hopeless candidates around as they try to do business endeavours despite not having any business acumen whatsoever. He’s fed up, you can see it in his eyes. Claude just wants a simple life, maybe a cup of tea from the Bridge Cafe and a seat at the centre of the table when Lord Sugar eventually steps down from his duties. He’s playing the waiting game, but it’s starting to take its toll. Hang in there, champ.
5. One of the teams made a unicorn that travels the world but also requires a passport
“In this day and age, there’s no such thing as an original idea anymore” – something uncreative people working in creative always say. With that theme in mind, Team Empower basically made a My Little Pony that flies but also still needs to use its passport to gain entry into other countries. It kind of takes the majesty out of being a unicorn when you picture it stuck in a long queue for customs, but such is the world we live in today.
6. The kids’ focus group was decorated with a pen-growing plant
What do kids like? Sweets! Attention! Colourful things! Forbidden nectar (fizzy drinks)! What don’t kids like? Weird shit like a plant that appears to be sprouting pens, presumably. The kids’ focus group saw a bunch of young minds rightfully bodying the toy designs from our hopeless business hopefuls, but the most important question remained unanswered – WHY ARE THERE PENS GROWING OUT OF THAT PLANT? DID THEY REALLY THINK THAT THE KIDS WOULD LIKE IT?
7. Thomas has already started greeting the boardroom receptionist the same way you would a coworker
Look at that awkward smile. Look at his dead eyes. Look at how everyone else is ignoring this poor receptionist whose job seems to solely consist of answering Lord Sugar’s two phone calls a day and staring at a pre-made spreadsheet. Thomas is only three weeks into the process and already he’s got the awkward coworker acknowledgement facial expression down. Mark my words, that’s a winner’s attitude. The job is his.
8. The Bridge Cafe, unsurprisingly, doesn’t even have toilets!
Given that this is typically the point where the candidates are shitting themselves, it’s particularly cruel for the Bridge Cafe to have no toilets on the premises. Presumably, there’s a bathroom for the staff to use, but the customers will simply have to repress their urges to give into their perfectly healthy bodily functions. It’s the kind of behaviour we’ve come to expect from this gross little cafe, a place that absolutely has sticky floors, grubby cups and an inexplicable smell of egg at all times.
9. The winning team’s prize was to watch a woman make balloon animals
RIP The Apprentice budget, which appears to have all been spent on hiring actors to fill this year’s candidate roles. Last night’s winners were treated to a balloon-based treat, which involved looking at a woman making some balloon animals and hats. It’s a far cry from the luxuries these actors are used to, such as free taxis to work and also a free lunch on set. Truly, reward the winning teams with a takeaway and a bag of cans each. Stop this pageantry contra nonsense.
