Week 10 – The Final!
Britain, we did it. We made it to the final of another GBBO. Hearty congratulations to all involved.
The series has ended now. We must find other ways to occupy our lives between the hours of 8pm – 9.15pm every Tuesday night.
Perhaps we could feel inspired to take up baking? Or even better, purchase pre-made baked goods in the supermarket, as God Himself intended.
However we choose to fill the void, we must never forget the lols we had along the way during GBBO series ten. Remember Jamie? He was good. He will live on forever. Remember that lady who looked like Claire from Fleabag? Really obsessed with Wales? She was also good and will live on forever.
Anyway, here’s six things you might have missed during the final.
1. Steph displays flowers LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER SEEN FLOWERS IN A VASE BEFORE
What kind of monster just leaves a bunch of flowers in the paper like that? Steph from GBBO, apparently. Perhaps there is a very logical reason as to why the flowers were displayed in such a heinous way, maybe they were a gift for someone else and Steph was merely trying to preserve them until such time as the exchange took place. Or maybe Steph is an alien from outer space. Think about it. She shuns society’s expectations regarding flower displays, she bakes at a freakishly proficient level, she eats Starburst with the wrappers left on (unproven, but a hunch), she even seems to like Paul Hollywood and respect his decisions as a GBBO judge? Something is amiss here.
2. Alice tried to exercise mind control on her wonky cake, to little success
Just as the bakers were informed that time was up on their signature bake challenge, Alice got down to eye-level with her cake and attempted to perform what can only be described as failed mind control. Her eyes stared deeply into the cake’s soul, beneath the layers of butter, sugar, icing and chocolate, further than that, right into the core of its very being. Alice said “Please don’t be shit”, but with her eyes. “I’ll try”, the cake responded, with an off-putting sense of arrogance it had newly adopted after Alice put some gold leaves atop the decorations. Her commands fell on deaf pears as the cake continued to look lopsided. Still, she tried, and that’s the most important thing.
3. Steph wore a necklace in tribute to seven-time Wimbledon champion Steffi Graf
It was a touching and unexpected tribute from Steph during the GBBO final, where she appears to have gotten a personalised necklace made in tribute to tennis icon Steffi Graf. The seven-time Wimbledon champion has many fans worldwide, none of whom are exempt from being susceptible to her charm and fighting spirit. Steph struggled during the technical challenge and showstopper, but tennis was on her side the whole time as she made a balls of the soufflés. These bakers, truly, their inspiration knows no bounds. It’s unknown as to whether Steffi Graf is a GBBO fan, or if she’s even aware of it at all, but that doesn’t matter. Her biggest an did extremely well in the competition and they should both be very proud of themselves and each other.
4. In the ultimate act of being a lick, David put Prue & Paul’s initials on his basket
David, David, David. Your bakes were good, your flavours were on point and your presentation was solid. There was no need for such lickery as putting the initials of the judges on your basket. This is the GBBO equivalent of bringing your teacher an apple before class starts, or thanking a parking warden after they’ve given you a ticket. There are other ways to express your gratitude, such as sending a private email or getting someone’s name tattooed on your upper thigh. I don’t want to suggest that David won the competition because of this bold flourish, but I also don’t think it hampered his chances. I have filed a complaint with Ofcom and await their response. Scotland Yard ignored my calls and the FBI laughed harder than I cared for.
5. Someone dressed their child as a cupcake for the final because Britain has lost its collective mind
Credit where it’s due, that’s a very funny thing to do to a baby. But put yourself in the comfortable shoes of that baby. Imagine growing up and being recognised as ‘Cupcake kid’ when you’re older. Someone will find this photograph on their phone and show it to everyone in the pub. You’ll be embarrassed, potentially even cancelled depending on how cupcakes conduct themselves over the next couple of years. “Everyone’s got a past”, you’ll say as your friends mock your adorable cherry-topped hat. But then you’ll own it. “YES I AM CUPCAKE KID, AND WHAT OF IT?”, you’ll proudly declare. Everyone will cheer and you’ll get a free round of drinks for you and your mates. CUPCAKE KID SHALL THRIVE, MARK MY WORDS.
6. Jamie continues to be the greatest purveyor of banter that GBBO has ever seen
Jamie was the true winner of GBBO 2019 and I won’t hear otherwise. Although he was sent home during the second week, his reign lived on in that quirky little tent. And he continues to thrive to this very day, evidently meeting up with GBBO’s resident social animal Michael in London and posing excitedly with a seagull who appears to have recognised him from GBBO. The boy is banter personified. He took off his jacket and headphones for a photograph because he wanted to flex his Adidas jumper. He then put them back on to pose with a seagull who clearly hassled him for a photograph. Congratulations on your win, Jamie. Although your time in the tent was short, your reign as the King of Banter will live on forever.
Images via Channel 4
