We interrupt these festive shenanigans to slink back into the comfort of our own misery.
Don’t get us wrong, we love the festive season, but there are certain things about it that get on our nerves, and they’re mainly related to Christmas jumpers, packed pubs and coffee-flavoured Roses.
Join us on our voyage of Christmas misery (and for those who can make it to the very end, we do manage to finish on a note of optimism).
Here’s our top 12 biggest festive gripes:
1. “We HAVE to meet up before Christmas Day!”
Why, though? So some lad in a Rudolph jumper can get sick on your shoe? So you can queue for an hour and a half for the privilege of paying £7 for a pint of cider in a pub the size of a caravan?
Nah, you’re grand thanks. See you on the 27th. Maybe. Or maybe not. That Back to the Future trilogy box-set won’t watch itself.
People are obsessed with having to meet up before Christmas, as though pubs will never open again after Boxing Day and all the beer in the land will run out.
2. Packed pubs
There will come a point, somewhere around the second or third pint, where you realise several fire safety laws are being broken and you could be at home making cocktails out of several different kinds of gin.
Oh, and there it is again. Poxy East 17.
3. Sending Christmas cards
Every year the list grows bigger and the sentiment gets smaller, and smaller, until you’re writing ‘Best, T’ to a list of 79 people who probably never expected to get a card from you in the first place.
4. Christmas jumpers
We can’t endorse certain ‘influencers’ who claim that the Christmas jumper phenomenon is dead, but we wouldn’t be upset if we never saw another piece of incandescent wool with all the comedy value of a wet cheese sandwich.
Please, please fuck off.
5. The inevitable Christmas headcold
Every year. Every poxy, pox-ridden year. Like clockwork. Scratchy throat on the 23rd, three packets of Halls on the 24th, a full blown case of head scurvy by Christmas Day and not a drop of drink taken.
This is going to take several hot whiskeys.
6. Fight! Fight! Fight!
There’s something about being cooped up for up to 72 hours, with people you normally get on just fine with, to drive a person to near violence over whether or not anyone thought to record the Antiques Roadshow, and who has to sit beside Granny at Christmas dinner.
We’re lovers, not fighters, except at Christmas. The only way to keep the mouth shut is to continuously stuff those Celebrations in there.
7. Speaking to cousins you’d normally pay to avoid
“So, any craic?”
“Nah, you?”
“Not a thing.”
“Still working in Dublin?”
“Yeah.”
“Going well?”
“Ah yeah, grand. Sound. Where are you working yourself?”
“I’m still looking for something, y’know, nothing out there.”
“Have you tried LinkedIn?”
“Nah, I don’t really use the internet for looking for jobs and stuff…”
“Right.”
8. Something breaking in the house and nobody around to fix it until the start of January
Treat your dishwasher with consummate care in the days before Christmas Eve. Seriously, you should look up the correct way to load a dishwasher, because you’re absolutely fucked if it breaks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmXapmgLwLk
9. Sales assistants
You’re barely a foot inside the door when the nametag approaches you.
“Can I help you with anything?”
“Nah I’m grand thanks, just looking around.”
“No problem. But if you’re looking to get this in a box-set we can also…”
“Really, I’m happy to just look around for a minute. I’ll let you know if I need anything.”
“Not a bother. I will just say to you that that particular scented candle is on special offer…”
“Right. I’m done. Goodbye.”
While we have sympathy for anyone working on commission and having to put it up with miserable shoppers (like me) the week before Christmas, the ability to walk away and leave someone to decide whether or not they want to buy something is the best sales technique one can learn.
10. Chuggers
Annoying at the best of times, but particularly at Christmas with their Santa hat, fake goodwill to all men and insistence on calling everyone ‘dude’.
Charity starts and ends on the Internet, where nobody tells you to “cheer up, man, it might never happen” as you scowl your way past.
11. Disappointing Christmas specials on TV
We live in a golden age of television, but very little of it finds its way into the schedules over the festive period.
Luckily, we also live in a golden age of Netflix.
12. Boxing Day farts
You don’t mind your own, but when somebody else starts emitting those sprouty, stouty fumes then it’s time to get the fuck out for a walk. You could heat the house for a month with the amount of gas choking out the sitting room on Boxing Day.
To quote Sarah Michelle Gellar in the delightful romp Cruel Intentions: Everybody does it, it’s just that nobody talks about it.
= = =
It’s all ok though, given the wall-to-wall football, Chocolate Kimberleys, whiskey (hot, cold, neat, whatever), Home Alone, more football, stout, terrible Christmas cracker jokes that we secretly love, burping competitions, football, Father Ted on repeat, turkey and stuffing sandwiches and the general sense of another year gloriously wasted.
Catch up with this week’s episode of Football Friday Live:
