Yes, I am the last person on earth to see The Notebook.
Is there a type of person worse than one who freaks out upon hearing that you haven’t seen a popular movie? “OMG YOU HAVEN’T SEEN SHREK 3? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?”. Well, I’ve been busy doing other things such as rewatching Arrested Development 37 times and browsing YouTube tutorials about the most effective way to tie your shoelaces.
The situation is this: Up until earlier today, I hadn’t seen The Notebook. I sat myself down at 11am and powered right through two hours of cinematic production because I’m sick of being left out of the discourse. When someone states that The Notebook is their favourite movie, I want to be able to make a split-second decision on whether that person is garbage or not.
Here’s some thoughts I jotted down (and later made legible) as I lost my The Notebook virginity.
1. We could probably call him Ryan Goose now that he’s 37.
2. American fairgrounds are a different world. Over here, a fairground consists of some bumper cars, hook-a-duck and a chip van that’s rumoured to also sell drugs.
3. They should’ve called it ‘Romeo & Juliet Except Romeo Is Poor And Neither Of Them Are Going To Off Themselves’.
4. OLD COUPLE ARE YOUNG COUPLE IN THE PRESENT DAY!!!
5. Doesn’t matter what decade we’re in, rich people are scum and need to be put down.
6. Buying a house and turning it into your ex’s dream pad 7 years after you broke up is either the pettiest or most genius act of revenge I’ve ever seen.
7. Ryan Gosling can sing, dance and act, but he cannot grow a convincing beard.
8. It’s far too easy to get in the local paper. ‘Local man restores house’ FFS, GO SOLVE A CRIME OR GROW A VERY LARGE ONION.
9. Nobody loves anyone enough to produce and send them a handwritten letter every single day for a year.
10. What the fuck kind of name is Daveney?
11. The tagline for the movie should’ve been ‘You can make anything out of wood, including love’ or ‘How To Lose A Guy In 7 Years Then Get Him Back Because He Put His Entire Life On Hold For You Even Though You’re Garbage’.
12. It must be nice to live in a place where a torrential downpour results in you bursting into laughter rather than saying ‘For fuck sake can’t we go ONE day without it pissing?’.
13. Anyone walking past my screen right now is going to think I’m watching porn during work. Terrific.
14. Martha, when you get dumped, go home. Don’t stay for dinner with your ex and his new girlfriend despite their polite insistence.
15. This all could’ve been prevented if he’d just used Signed-For post.
16. Noah didn’t deserve to be loved. Not while wearing baggy jeans.
17. OMGÂ SHE WROTE THE BOOK HERSELF SHE FORESHADOWED HER OWN DEMISE!!!!!
18. Technically that was more of a journal than a notebook.
