NO JAI COURTNEY.
In the latest “Things we know are a bad idea yet we’re still going to get excited about” news, it looks like a sixth Die Hard movie might be on the table. While on The Jimmy Fallon Show, Bruce Willis said that he was heading out to California shortly to look at the script (someone should tell him we have email now, but still).
Die Hard is arguably both the greatest American movie of the 1980s and the greatest action movie of all time. We don’t need to tell you that. Die Hard 2 is a pretty good sequel, Die Hard With A Vengeance is a really great action movie in its own right. But since the turn of the century, things have not gone well for John McClane. Live Free Or Die Hard was bland and boring, and A Good Day To Die Hard was basically everything that’s wrong with modern Hollywood filmmaking.
Bruce Willis looks incredibly bored with life these days, and the Die Hard franchise has kind of become the Arsene Wenger of action movies, long outstaying its welcome. But there’s no reason why Die Hard 6 couldn’t be great, if it learns from the mistakes of the last few instalments. Here’s want we want – and definitely don’t want – to see.
DO: Acknowledge John McLane’s age.
One of the things that made the original Die Hard so great was John McClane himself. In the era of muscled-up meatheads like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, he was a regular dude, just trying to do his best. Four sequels have turned him into an unstoppable superman. With Bruce now in his early 60s, John McClane needs to reflect that. He needs to struggle. It should be more like Unforgiven than Con Air.
DO NOT: Have any young sidekicks.
There are only two good sidekicks in Die Hard: Reginald VelJohnson in the first one and Samuel L Jackson in With A Vengeance. Justin Long and Mary Elizabeth Winstead are likeable actors, but they were just annoying when all we want is McClane. And the less said about sentiment piece of ham Jai Courtney, the better. John McClane does not need a wisecracking Millennial or Gen-Z’er by his side.
DO: Keep it small.
Die Hard was just about Nakatomi Plaza. Die Hard 2 was in a single airport. With A Vengeance was relatively contained to downtown New York. I couldn’t even tell you what the last two movies were about. There’s a reason why people describe movies a “Die Hard on a _____”. Keep it to one location, taken over by terrorists, that’s what we’re here for. No saving the whole world. He’s not James Bond.
DO: Have another Gruber relative as the bad guy.
Did you know Die Hard was Alan Rickman’s first ever movie role? Incredible. And Jeremy Irons was almost as delightful as his brother Simon Gruber. John McClane needs to be killing a Eurotrash terrorist played by an acclaimed British actor (can we get Mark Rylance? Benedict Cumberbatch? Bill Nighy?).
DO NOT: Make it PG-13.
John fucking McClane needs to fucking swear, motherfucker.
DO: Bring back the vest.
For most of A Good Day To Die Hard, Bruce wore a white t-shirt with a leather jacket. Bring back the proper vest, dammit.
DO: Have real stunts over CGI.
John McClane feels like a real person, and there is a real, tangible feeling to Willis’ performance in Die Hard. We feel his pain, and wince when he steps on glass. When you have the fake looking CGI car flip in Live Free Or Die Hard, or falling through that glass roof in A Good Day To Die Hard, it ruins this illusion. It feels like a cartoon. We want as many real world stunts as possible, and save the CGI for superhero films.
DO NOT: Call it ‘John McClane’.
There’s a trend at the moment for renaming franchises after their protagonist’s boring-ass name: Jason Bourne. Alex Cross. Jack Ryan. Jack Reacher. It’s horrible, and don’t you dare do it to Die Hard.
MAYBE: Go meta.
I’ve always had an idea for a Die Hard sequel along the lines of Wes Craven’s New Nightmare or JCVD: a bored Bruce Willis is on the press tour for yet another sequel, in some far-off foreign market, when terrorists take over the TV studio he is in. It would be a good way to sidestep the direction the last two sequels took, and also Willis’ reported disinterest with making action films, while making commentary on how the heroes of our youth inevitably age and die. Ok, that would probably be too much for some fans, and done badly it would be horrible, but even just the existence of a sixth Die Hard will provoke eye-rolls from many – so it would be great to see the film acknowledge this and play with our expectations.
