Six years later, Conán Doherty has just heard of Game of Thrones. Six years later, he’s decided to write reviews of the show as he goes along.
Listen, this is a brilliant show but, by Jesus, it is trying my patience.
I’m two seasons in and here’s where we’re at: Ned Stark’s head has long since been planted on a stick at Joffrey’s castle (the most useful thing he’s ever done); Daenerys slept overnight in a fire, naked, with her dinosaur eggs; the Red Woman gave birth to a shadow (that actually happened); Robb, the King of the North, is on the move south; meanwhile the Night’s Watch are off on some pointless adventure north of The Wall presumably just to keep themselves busy – you know, fill in their days.
But it’s not all bad because Margaery has just showed up.
And Tyrion has ended Stannis’ feeble attempts at sacking King’s Landing with one genius wildfire trick whilst Lancel and Joffrey passed messages to Cersei like they were just kids ignorantly abandoning a game of tag on a playground.
Still, Margaery and all, I feel like I should vent about the most annoying things in the show so far.
1. Drogo is dead over the head of a shitty wound
He let the guy stab him. He let. The Guy. Stab him. And now he’s dead.
He was on a rampage, he was going to take over the Seven Kingdoms because someone dared to try and poison his Khaleesi. And now he’s dead.
His wound went septic, a nomad witch turned him into a vegetable, and Daenerys put him out of his misery. And now he’s dead. He’s dead because he was just showing off his power to some twerp who actually thought he could compete with Khal Drogo. Give me a break.
The same boy soon had his throat ripped out. But, now… Drogo is dead.
2. Who the f**k is Benjen?
Rather than join Robb and march on King’s Landing to avenge his father, Jon Snow is prancing around at The Wall, freezing his arse off in Castleblack.
Now, they’re off to find Benjen – some other Stark who we’re supposed to remember from the first few episodes when about 900 characters were sprang on us and you spent the whole time trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
3. The night is dark and full of terrors
Would this girl ever piss off?
Not only has she helped Stannis commit adultery, she then gave birth to a shadow, she got Davos thrown into a cell and she won’t quit with her constant pontificating about the Lord of Light.
If I have to hear her smugly declare what the flames are telling her one more time… I’d rather find out what happened to Benjen.
4. Just Theon
Clueless. Useless. Spineless.
He’s taken Winterfell and never has a man been in over his head more. He hasn’t got one notion what he’s doing. His attempts of discipline smack of a sub teacher being cheered the angrier he gets.
The one decent speech he ever made, it finished with him being clubbed over the head and put unconscious. Best place for him.
5. Catelyn betrayed her son!
I don’t care how nice she is or how much she misses her daughters, Robb is trying to fight a bloody war here and her releasing of Jaime under the nose of her son has jeopardised everything. Everything.
She let emotion get in the way of strategy. She let love for her siblings betray another sibling.
Robb Stark is the King of the North, for God’s sake. Does that mean nothing?
He’s the only one in this whole show who seems to know what the hell he’s doing – well, Tyrion too obviously – and he’s winning battles left, right, and centre. His mother, meanwhile, is trading him off to some creep to marry one of his daughters and she’s freeing a Lannister overnight on a hunch that Joffrey might be the sort of person who’d keep a promise and send back two Stark girls – one of which he doesn’t even have.
Catelyn absolutely blew it.
6. Daenerys has dragons – whoopie f**king doo
Daenerys seems like a great woman. I have no doubt she’ll make a good leader some day. And, sure, having three dragons will come in handy sooner or later too. But, frankly, when she’s swanning around the end of the world in God knows where – it’s very hard to care about what she’s doing right now.
There’s been a battle at Blackwater, Robb is on the move, White Walkers are here and even Theon bloody Greyjoy thinks he can actually conquer something but where’s Daenerys? She’s in the House of the Undying having pranks played on her by some shape-shifter. Get a move on.
If it wasn’t for Margaery, I’d have stopped watching by now.
