Episode 36.
Everyone hold hands and rejoice – CAMILLA FINALLY GOT SOME!!!
Some other things also happened but Camilla’s escapades are easily the most important thing that we all, as a nation, need to take away from last night’s Love Island.
Here’s six other things you might’ve missed, but you’re forgiven because CAMILLA DID THE NASTY.
1. Jamie has a Pokémon tattoo on his foot
In a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, there was a shot of Camilla and Jamie tucked up in bed last night and naturally, my eyes were drawn to the surprise of Jamie’s inked feet. That Calvin Klein model has been hiding these tattooed tootsies since he arrived in the villa, but now they’re out in the open. Jamie has a number of intimate inkings on his left foot and I set about finding out could I decipher any of them. It turns out that no, I absolutely could not.
However, this is episode 36 and I’m not prepared to let my readership of two down. If you look closely at the particular inking that I’ve highlighted above, you’ll notice that it bears a striking resemblance to Kabuto, the shellfish Pokémon. Why does Jamie have a tattoo of Kabuto? Fuck knows, maybe he’s a huge fan of Pokémon Go? Kabuto is both a rock and water type Pokémon, meaning his strengths are twofold. Can we liken this to Jamie’s traits? Sure. Jamie is both a rock and water type of man in the sense that he has a harsh exterior but is also 60% water, just like the rest of us.
2. Marcel has a stunt double at night
WHO IS THIS STRANGE MAN SLEEPING WITH GABBY CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE SPANISH AUTHORITIES WE HAVE A SITUATION TAKING PLACE CODE RED CODE RED! Oh no it’s fine actually that’s just Marcel’s beard, cheekbones and tattoo looking slightly more pronounced thanks to the night vision cameras. All is well in the villa once again. But it’s about time I raise this important point: All the islanders look really different at night and are therefore potentially vampires.
I’m not sure what kind of technology is powering these night vision cameras but they somehow make all their eyes look like bottomless black pits of endless suffering, taking years off their eternally youthful souls. I’m thinking of investing in one of these cameras so that I can finally achieve the ultimate nighttime candid selfie, ideally without catching my own arm in a mirror nearby thereby giving away that I’ve taken the photo myself. Life is hard, but if we find little projects to keep us going every now and then, it can become slightly more bearable.
3. Chris intimately ate some ham
On yesterday’s Love Island, the boys were tasked with making a spot of lunch for the girls. Chris had the good sense to appoint himself as kitchen manager, which meant he got to avoid all cooking so that he could shout weird motivational things to the boys, such as ‘That’s it lads’, etc. Visibly tired from his arduous task, Chris decided he deserved a well-earned snack, so headed to the fridge and shoved a slice of ham into his gob. What happened next can only be described as unsuitable to be shown pre-watershed.
Chris took that slice of ham and he let it dangle from his mouth for far too long. He then flicked the slice of ham upwards into his mouth and seductively chowed down on it. Love Island has been quite scant on scenes of a sexual nature this year, with some even complaining that the absence of smut is making them consider abandoning the show entirely. Well that all changed last night, thanks to one man and his pork. Chris took the show to a potential Ofcom complaint recipient with just his mouth and one slice of ham.
4. Kem isn’t great at rubbing in suncream
One of my main concerns while watching Love Island is whether the contestants are applying enough suncream at regular intervals throughout the day. It’s rarely shown on the programme, but I trust that they are. Last night, Kem provided us all with a dead giveaway that they indeed are not immune to the harmful rays of the sun by failing to successfully rub in a patch of suncream around his nipple. If you draw your eyes to his erect right nipple, you’ll see it.
Kem has done a poor job here. Nipples can get burnt too, so it’s important that they rub suncream everywhere during their stay on the island. I question why one of his fellow islanders, perhaps Amber, couldn’t have given him a hand. It would take a maximum of three rotations around the nip to get that little splash of cream absorbed, easy. Kem’s in very real danger of getting some bizarre tan marks around his right areola. I’ll be keeping an eye out for this pending source of humour in all future episodes, don’t you worry.
5. Amber squeezed a spot!
16th July 2017, the day the world changed forever. Approximately 28 minutes into last night’s episode of Love Island, finally, it all made sense. Amber was shown squeezing a spot. She squeezed it with gay abandon like the determined little lady we’ve come to know and love. That spot didn’t stand a chance. It was merely going about its spotty business yesterday when its livelihood was cruelly snatched clean away from it. Amber squeezed that spot and in a way, we all squeezed it with her.
We didn’t get an exit interview from the spot, even though it had every right to give one. It played an integral part on that island since Amber arrived. It was there for her, for Kem, for all of us in our times of need. But now it’s gone. We won’t get to see it on that Aftersun show with Caroline Flack. We’ll never learn whether he/she found love in the villa. That’s the end of it. Rest in peace little one, you will be in our thoughts forevermore, but now it’s time to fly. Follow your dreams. Godspeed.
6. Sam, after promising he wouldn’t slip the tongue, slipped the tongue
Fair enough Georgia instigated the entire thing with a bizarre fake magic trick which left the viewer rightfully craving a genuine magic trick, but ultimately Sam failed to stick to his word. Earlier in the day, little Sammy was chatting in the beach hut about how he was going to try to ‘neck on’ with Georgia. He’d received some harsh but fair feedback in the past regarding his smooching technique, which mostly consisted of him being urged to use less tongue. Sam swore down that he would withhold his tongue on this occasion.
He was blindsided by Georgia’s kiss, but he still visibly slipped in some tongue. I watched their two kisses multiple times because research, and I can confirm that I counted a minimum of three tongue slippages through the course of their snogging sesh. That’s three times you failed to keep your word, Sam. You’ve lied to the British public, you’ve lied to the camera, but most importantly you’ve lied to yourself, young man. If you’re going to swear on national television that you’ll withhold your tongue, that’s an honourable word that you need to keep. Britain, vote this liar and his tongue off the island immediately.
All images via ITV
