Day 3.
Only three days in, but it already feels like we’ve known these lunatics forever. Fuck, it’s going to be a long eight weeks.
Last night was a heated episode (because they are in Spain) and I’d like to award a medal of honour to whoever decided that the girls should have to watch the arrival of the new girls from a balcony overlooking proceedings. The bitching, the whispered catty comments, the heightened sass. It was a remarkable piece of television and worthy of several BAFTAs.
Here’s six essential moments you might’ve missed because you were scrolling through Twitter for dank memes the whole time it was on, you scamp.
1. Laura said she’s never been called ‘daft’ before, which feels like a very blatant lie?
Laura was fishing for compliments off Wes in the comfort of an outdoor bed, when Wes took the bait because he is a red-blooded male. He described her eyes as ‘daft’, which resulted in Laura confessing that she’d never been called daft before. This feels a smidge exaggerated, particularly when you take Laura’s entire personality into account. Everyone has been called daft at some stage, even the Dalai Lama probably. For Laura to suggest that she’s never been called daft (to her face) is a ludicrous accusation. Laura is a liar and a cheat. She should not progress any further in the show. I have alerted the relevant authorities. Also, let’s call Wes and Laura Daft Spunk from now on?
2. Niall called a kiss “a little snoggy” and is now The Most Precious Man In All Of Spain
Wes was chatting to the boys after his secret kiss with Laura, when Niall took the plunge and asked whether they had been necking. But Niall didn’t use the word ‘kiss’ because that is simply too basic. No, Niall called it “a little snoggy” and that is henceforth what we will all be using as a term for kiss going forward. That band with Gene Simmons? The Little Snoggies. That song by Seal? A Little Snoggy From A Rose. That movie with Robert Downey Jr? Little Snoggy Little Snoggy Bang Bang. Thank you Niall for this bountiful gift.
3. Dani Dyer blowdries her eyelashes and combs them with a toothbrush
If you told me six months ago that I’d be writing a sentence like that, let alone witnessing it on telly, I would’ve smacked you in the teeth and told you to stop spouting such nonsense. Alas, here we are. Dani Dyer, daughter of Danny Dyer, combs her eyelashes with a toothbrush as she blowdries them into place. I’m not going to pretend to understand the logic here, as my eyelashes require very little maintenance. Dani is very quickly becoming the gift that doesn’t stop giving. Whatever she’s doing, I’m on board with it and frankly I welcome the nonsense. I’m calling it – this is the best mundane moment of 2018 Love Island so far. I can’t wait to see her tea staining her toenails or shampooing her knees.
4. Eyal spent the entire episode looking like the board off Blockbusters
Truly, what a hideous pair of sunglasses. Eyal has taken a very bold set of eyewear into the villa and I’m preempting that they’re going to haunt our nightmares for the entirety of the summer. Octagonal sunglasses should never have made it past the boardroom meeting where some lunatic excitedly announced “We’re going to make eight-sided sunglasses, just because we can”. They are hideous. Love Island has introduced us to some questionable style choices over the years, but this is a step too far. Imagine Kem from last year wearing them? You can’t because he had too much respect for himself to let that happen.
5. JACK GOT A TEXT!!!!!!!!!
Right, fair enough, you’ve caught me. The above image has been tampered with. But hear me out. Out of all the Love Island contestants this year, Jack is absolutely the one who texts his Mum the most. You can smell it off him. He probably rings her during lunch breaks at work and doesn’t even whisper to ask what’s for tea. He’s a Mummy’s boy. She probably encouraged him to go a couple of shades brighter than necessary when picking out his new teeth. Side note: Where have all the chicken Kievs gone? Haven’t had one in a long time. Is there a shortage?
6. One of the new girls HAS HER BACK PIERCED SEVERAL TIMES
This could easily be another text from one of the contestants’ Mums, but truly, SEVERAL BACK PIERCINGS – WHY? This expression of self firmly backs up my belief that you can pierce anywhere on your body if you pay someone enough money to do it. Eyeballs, tonsils, fingernails, it’s all entirely plausible. New gal Rosie has got three back piercings and frankly, I have a lot of questions. Why? How? Who? And also several more. What a nutter. She is going to win Love Island because she is very fun, quirky and not like other girls. I would like her to represent me in a court of law, but only if her back piercings are on display for the jury to see and then tell their friends about it. “Let’s make random body part piercings the new trend of 2018”, they’ll say.
Images via ITV
