Semi-finals!!!!!!11!!11!1!1!!
Here we, here we, here we fucken go. It’s the 2018 Celebrity MasterChef semi-finals and things are really *tries not to say it* starting to *tries even harder* HEAT UP in the kitchen!
Last night’s episode saw the celebrities travel back in time to a 20th century village so that they could cook for what were, by all accounts, a very ungrateful bunch of people for absolutely nothing in exchange except the satisfaction of a job sufficiently well done.
It was a wild time from start to finish and definitely a historically important episode to tell the grandchildren about when they’re old enough to understand the mundanity of everyday life.
Here’s 8 moments that were actually quite funny.
1. Two men were caught in the middle of a very sinister but also mysterious act
For some reason, last night’s show opened with the celebrities heading to an early 20th century village. For context, we were treated to an array of opening shots, such as people wearing bonnets gingerly peering through their net curtains, men in three piece suits sweeping footpaths and for some reason, these two men carrying out a very sinister act indeed. The gentleman on the right appears to be carrying around a portable chopping board complete with a shoulder strap, and he’s midway through inspecting the bristles on a sweeping brush. The other man, assumedly the seller, is aggressively holding the handle of the brush. Quick reminder, this is still a show about celebrities trying to cook.
2. John was on hand to help AJ in any way that he could
With a large amount of tension and pressure mounting in the kitchen, everyone was frantically trying to get their individual tasks done so that the overall meal could be ready on time thanks to a combined team effort. John zipped over to relieve AJ of some of his duties, which was a comforting sight to behold. The other team members even turned the other way to give the guys some privacy, which was a considerate gesture. (The joke here is that it looks like John is fellating AJ. That’s the joke. Thank you. I have a Masters).
3. Call off the search, we’ve finally found the world’s driest smoking pipe!!!!!
In case it hasn’t become fully clear yet, last night’s Celebrity MasterChef was unbridled chaos from start to finish. The celebrities descended upon an early 20th century village in 2018, which revealed all manner of people legitimately living their lives as if it’s in the past. The town had a certain amount of charm, but most importantly, it had the world’s driest smoking pipe. For years, smoking pipe enthusiasts have been searching for it. Now, it turns up in a quantity of 15 and on Celebrity MasterChef of all places. Truly, we are living in the wildest of times.
4. John was so DISGUSTED upon seeing Josh’s extremely burnt tart, he couldn’t even put on a brave face for the camera
It was an easy mistake to make, whereby you’ve spent hours preparing a tarte tatin, then when you finally get it in the oven, you forget about it completely and start wondering where it all went wrong for Union J. Josh fell victim to that classic instance, only remembering his whole purpose for being on Celebrity MasterChef when John inquired about his tart. Josh rushed over to the oven and exclaimed in a chilling tone “Oh! The top one is burnt! No no no!” and with that, John Torode exhibited an expression filled with so much disgust, a light breeze would’ve caused his face to remain that way for the rest of his life.
5. This man described his wife by saying “she likes her crackling”, then they both burst their shite laughing about it
Earning the well-deserved title of The Most Precious People Alive, these two tucked into a big old plate of pork with crackling, turnip mash, apple sauce and roast spuds, then delivered the verdict on camera. After informing us that the crackling was much to her satisfaction, the woman’s husband then struggled to get the words out before bursting himself laughing at “she likes her crackling”. This is what a happy marriage looks like, regardless of what century you’re in. Celebrity MasterChef is a wonderful and wholesome place.
6. Spencer’s sea trout looked like it had sea-n some serious shit
Yeah, all trout have seen shit, but this one looked particularly perturbed. Sure, his guts had just been removed and he’s lying dead on a chopping board at the hands of a former Made In Chelsea star, but that’s not enough to produce the expression pictured above. What has this sea trout seen? Where has he been? Celebrity MasterChef need to publicly declare where they’re sourcing their produce because something untoward is going on here. You can practically smell it.
7. Lisa’s potatoes looked like Patrick Star, which rightfully should’ve won her the whole competition on the spot
What a treat from Lisa, where she cooked lobster and then arranged her potatoes in the exact formation of Patrick Star, the beloved character from SpongeBob SquarePants. Some may think it’s juvenile to put food in the shape of a children’s television character, but the world is a far more wholesome place thanks to the addition of these potatoes. Lisa didn’t deserve to go home. Not after producing this exciting and nutritious meal. Celebrity MasterChef has no mercy for innovation. It is a farce.
8. Martin presenting his final dish looked like a proud Dad plating up dinner for his two boys
It’s the joke that has simply never gotten old. Martin Bayfield is 6′ 10″. He is a very tall man! So tall is Martin, that he towers over everyone, especially the Celebrity MasterChef judges who are no exception to this rule. Every time he presents a dish to John and Gregg, he looks like a proud Dad giving his hungry sons their dinner, which for some reason they are sharing off one single plate. Will it ever stop being funny? No. It simply will not.
Images via BBC
