Facebook introduced the like button 8 years ago today.
It’s truly a blessing that they haven’t introduced a dislike button since then, because a lot of us would be deep into the throes of an existential crisis right about now if that was a feature.
As Facebook users, we all trade off likes. If you like a lot of your friends’ statuses, regardless of how moronic they are, the chances are they’ll reciprocate the goodwill gesture. But if you’re a stealth user, withholding the goods, your likes will definitely suffer as a result.
Some of these likes aren’t as genuine as they seem, there’s a lot of psychology behind them that I’m not qualified to assess. Anyway, here’s 8 types of Facebook likes we’re all guilty of doing.
1. The Show Off Like
This particular like can take two forms, the first involves a friend’s post that makes an obscure reference that nobody else has understood, made apparent by the lack of likes. By liking the post yourself, you’re letting the status author (and all their friends) know that you too have read that particular passage in the bible / instruction manual for pogs.
The second instance of the show off like occurs when you like something to appear obscenely intellectual. Perhaps The New York Times has an article about why filtered coffee is good for your toenails or Hulk Hogan has written a heartfelt status about thermodynamics. You’ve read neither, but you still want people to think that you have.
2. The Obligatory Like
One of the many facets of a modern friendship is providing relentless solidarity online, be it through tagging each other in a minimum of 5 memes per day or simply liking their heroic Facebook statuses complaining about the reduction in Freddo sizes. You have no choice in the matter, it’s muscle memory at this stage.
You have to like your friends’ statuses otherwise they will question your loyalty, which is a road you very much don’t ever want to go down, especially when it involves Facebook likes.
3. The Pity Like
At the end of the day, you’re a humanitarian. You care about charity, donate money when you can and are always striving for the betterment of the human race. If you see a rogue status on your timeline without a like nor comment to keep it warm, you won’t hesitate to step in and do your bit for this poor soul.
Likes cost nothing (except your reputation, but that’s already in tatters), so you hand out likes left, right and centre to your brethren. A few days later, it’s likely a friend will query why you were liking an elderly aunt’s rant about the staff in Boots, but let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.
4. The Thirsty Like
We are all animals and the sooner we accept that, the better. Everyone’s just looking for someone to happily spend the rest of their life with, be it temporary or forever. There’s little more subtly keen than a Facebook like. Maybe your crush has recently updated their profile picture, or shared a competition to win an overnight stay in a fancy hotel.
A casual courtesy like will keep you fresh in their mind, whilst also leaving you wide open for relentless roasting from your friends. Worth it. (Hopefully).
5. The Accidental Like
Smartphones are the devil incarnate and I won’t hear otherwise. They’re designed for embarrassment and don’t hesitate to demonstrate their power over us at any available opportunity.
Every day, it’s estimated that over 4 million people worldwide fall victim to the accidental like, be it from heavy-handedly scrolling through the news feed, or on a deep dive into your new friend’s timeline, checking to see how they got on in Zakynthos in ’09. Unliking at this point simply arouses suspicion, so hold your nerve and let that notification hit them proudly.
6. The Drunk Like
Life is better when your liver is wetter. You’ve just arrived home from a night out, meaning your precious Facebook feed has been neglected for an unsavoury 3 or 4 hours. Better catch up with the timeline to see who’s enjoyed Corrie this evening.
But, what’s this? Your thumb is liking just about everything in sight, with little context or understanding of what’s actually being said. A peaceful serenity has engulfed your body, have you reached Nirvana? Unlikely. Regardless, likes for everyone, no matter how wrong and idiotic they are!
7. The Passive-Aggressive Like
The main aim of this particular like is to let someone know that you’re aware that they’re online. Perhaps you texted a friend to go for a drink tonight, but there was no response.
Now Judas is uploading photos of a recent trip to the zoo. You need to let them know that you’re seeing their every move and taking stock of it. How dare anyone pass up the opportunity to be graced with your presence, you are a gift. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life, but what go definitely need is the power to let them know that you’re watching, you psycho.
8. The Conversation Ender
There’s bit a bit of a back and forth between you and your former babysitter who’s taken the liberty of striking up a pointless chat, and you’ve both blatantly run out of conversation. There’s only so many times you can say ‘So what have you been up to?’ before you contemplate flushing your phone and self down the toilet. You patiently wait for a non-questioning statement from them, so you can hit that like button and move on with your life.
It concludes the interaction on a very positive note and everybody’s happy, except the person on the receiving end who was hoping to brag a bit more. Haters gonna hate.
