Week 6 – Theme Park!
Big old week on The Apprentice wasn’t it?
The business hopelesses had to design a rollercoaster, which was a very logical task to give these reality TV stars because statistically speaking, 1 in 5 people will be tasked with designing and marketing a brand new rollercoaster to completion all within 48 hours at some stage during their lifetime.
As expected, they fucked it. The candidates absolutely fucked it, as they do with everything they touch. Their loss is our gain, however, as it was another remarkable hour of television for fans of shouting “Morons” at the TV, with nobody around to hear them.
Here’s 9 cringe moments that are frankly quite uncomfortable to relive.
1. Walking into Thorpe Park, the girls looked like an advert for empowering yet sensible footwear
Ladies! Are you tired of having the blood circulation in your feet restricted due to unsuitable footwear? Are you fed up of trying to be both fashion-forward and a person that is able to walk further than a couple of steps? Introducing – Flat Shoes. These are just like regular shoes, except flat. You can wear them anytime, anywhere! To the cinema, on a long-haul flight, even to a theme park. They can be yours for just £69.99. Order before they’re all sold out!
2. Karren and Claude interacted with Lord Sugar’s hologram giving very little conviction
Presumably due to budgetary restrictions, Lord Sugar appeared via hologram at Thorpe Park to tell the candidates about their latest task. To really sell the whole performance, Karren and Claude were clearly instructed to interact with the graphics, but neither verged on overcooking the egg. Karren followed the line of sight that was required to convince both The Apprentice candidates and viewers alike that there was truly a rollercoaster careening around Lord Sugar. Claude just looked quite sad the whole time.
3. One of the teams had their initial project meeting while sitting in stationary bumper cars
Many years ago it became very clear that The Apprentice was no longer about finding people that are legitimately good at business. Instead, it is a light entertainment reality television show. They cast colourful characters who are guaranteed to provide a cringe-inducing hour of television, peppered with some disapproving looks from Lord Sugar’s chief snitches. With that in mind, one of the team’s meetings took place in stationary bumper cars and I am livid. Make them shout their ideas as they try to steer the vehicles into each other and avoid whiplash. Give us the show we deserve!
4. Thomas went on a rollercoaster barefoot because he is what is medically referred to as ‘A Sick Filth’
WHAT KIND OF PERSON GOES ON A ROLLERCOASTER BAREFOOT? This is a sick fetish and one that The Apprentice should not be promoting. A good rule of thumb is to make sure that your foot thumbs (or toes, whatever you call them, your majesty) are never on show. Not even at the beach. Just never take your feet out in a social situation, ever. Not even at the swimming pool. Anyway, I have lodged a complaint with Ofcom and await their response.
5. Lottie and Thomas proved that there is quite literally nothing they won’t do for the chance to be turned into memes
As previously mentioned, The Apprentice is no longer about business prowess. Thomas knows it, Lottie knows it and the green screen behind them also knows it. The pair required little encouragement to pour themselves into a pair of alarmingly-tight PVC suits and Cyclops’ sunglasses. They gave it their all, fully aware that a large portion of this process requires them to make substantial fools of themselves in a bid to get Lord Sugar’s attention and also contribute to the show trending on Twitter every Wednesday night. Fair play, they’re really doing it.
6. Karren Brady HATED the 4D rollercoaster experience so goddamn much
Look at her face! Look at that scowl! We’re entering a situation where we need to have a serious talk about what constitutes as too much for Claude and Karren to be put through. They’ve been trailing business hopelesses for years and rarely crack a smile. The closest Claude came to being truly happy was with Kayode last year, the loveable scamp who could melt the sternest of hearts. But where is Karren’s Kayode? She hates everyone. She hates 4D rollercoasters and she definitely hates not sitting in the premium seats at the cinema. Blink twice if you need extracting, Kaz.
7. Infuriatingly, Lord Sugar might have dropped the greatest wordplay joke of all time???
Lord Sugar was quizzing one of the teams’ creative and very literal vision for their rollercoaster when he teed up what I am very confident is a joke that was ghostwritten by an unsung genius. Thomas proudly declared that the floating objects around their rollercoaster were indeed asteroids, leading to Lord Sugar’s Best Line Of The Series So Far, illustrated above. That’s a top tier joke. He has combined the word ‘ass’ with ‘haemorrhoids’ and quite frankly I need to know who has written this joke so that I may propose very promptly. It is not authentic Sugar, no way.
8. Lottie dressed like Inspector Gadget for a tense trip to the shittest cafe in the world
Lottie is the most fascinating contestant on The Apprentice this year in the sense that it is frankly impossible to tell if she is good or bad. Sometimes she is rude and pompous, but then she bursts through with an immense wealth of knowledge that genuinely makes a good contribution to the tasks. While the nation continues to assess this unique candidate, it’s important to make fun of the fact that she dressed exactly like Inspector Gadget for a trip to the most disgusting cafe in the world. I’m a big advocate for dressing for the job that you want, but if you’re using a plastic spoon to stir your tea, maybe just a denim jacket will suffice.
9. There was an unexpected visitor lurking outside the candidates’ house
Hang…. Hang on. HANG ON. IS THAT ELIZABETH FROM SERIES 13? Wow. You couldn’t make it up. Just as the current crop of The Apprentice candidates were relaxing at home after surviving another firing, in a blink and you’ll miss it moment, Elizabeth was seen lurking around the outside of the house. She was heard muttering “I can help”, “Do you need me to be project manager?” and “Lord Sugar you are a coward, hire me”, then was swiftly escorted off the premises. I miss Elizabeth. She would’ve put these millennials in their places within seconds. Also, side note, there should be an All Stars version of The Apprentice. Just a thought. BBC, call me.
Images via BBC
