Week 5 – Discount Buying
Big night on The Apprentice last night, folks. Big BIG night.
The candidates were tasked with going shopping, basically. They even had a shopping list and a map, and still somehow managed to fuck it up.
As always, there was an abundance of cringe on display, coming from all angles with no sign of stopping. In these uncertain times, we can always rely on The Apprentice to provide us with a consistent source of shameful antics, and that’s very comforting to remember.
Here’s nine cringe moments that are uncomfortable but also very necessary to relive.
1. The candidates woke up to an ALARM rather than a phone call AND IT WAS CHAOS
The sanctity of The Apprentice has been ruined and it’s all thanks to a very minor change in the usual format. Typically, the candidates are rudely awoken and must answer the house phone at the ungodly hour of 4am to be told of their next adventure. But Lord Sugar’s arrival to their abode at the end of last week’s episode meant that they already knew their wakeup time. The candidates, like peasants, used a multicoloured alarm clock and their shrill voices to wake each other up. The Apprentice has been ruined. Change is bad. Nothing makes sense anymore.
2. The chicken farm had the worst chicken farm name the world has ever seen
Click-Cluck. Why the apostrophe? Why the incredibly sexual picture of a chicken alongside it? Why the lower case lettering? Why, indeed, Click-cluck? That isn’t even a popular saying that they’ve shoehorned the sound that a chicken makes into. It just makes no sense whatever way you look at it. Why not call it Hatchet Job? Or Hens R Us? Or Chicken Farm? These people that The Apprentice finds, I swear.
3. Lottie went barefoot into a chicken enclosure because she is a deviant
Rather than getting her heels stuck in the grass, Lottie opted to nip into the chicken enclosure barefoot. It was a rogue move and one that made little sense to all involved. It wasn’t caught on camera, but I am absolutely certain that she would’ve felt the warm sensation of chicken poop squeeze its way through her toes to produce an effect similar to that silly hair contraption you used to get with Play Doh. Everyone would’ve laughed and two chickens would’ve fainted. It might be in the blooper reel at the end of the series.
4. Lottie was surprised to see that her phone was receiving a call from the only possible person that it could be coming from
Fresh out of finessing a deal where Lottie somehow managed to pay £2 more than the guy was asking for, Lottie’s phone rang. With a very genuine sense of befuddlement, she said “Oh, it’s the PM team”, as if there was any other person that could’ve been calling them on The Apprentice candidates’ official phone. Yes, indeed it is your teammates calling you, Lottie. Not someone offering to hook you up with cheaper car insurance in exchange for a 3mm toenail clipping covered in chicken poop.
5. There was a heavy Harry Potter presence in one of the Cambridge shops AND IT NEEDS TO STOP
Harry Potter isn’t real. We all need to move on. The final book was released twelve years ago, the same amount of years that it’s recommended you have reached in life to enjoy the franchise. We need to call time. Primark shouldn’t have an entire section designated to the fictional universe anymore. It’s high time Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events took prominence in the marketing world. Imagine buying a sign that says “I would rather be at Hogwarts”. Jesus Christ. Grow up. You are 25.
6. Ryan-Mark couldn’t figure out which way the river was
Ryan-Mark enlisted the help of an A2-sized map to figure out where the river was, despite there being a very helpful chalk sign on the wall behind him the entire time. “Where is the river?” he asked, like something out of a sketch show written by a group of teens. In the end, they went the opposite way because The Apprentice exclusively casts airheads as candidates these days. To be fair, it makes for great television. We simply have to stan.
7. The winning team’s prize was to go STATIC ROWING
Banter! Static rowing! Sick! Thanks Lord Sugar. We have made you a substantial profit and an hour of entertaining television, so this is a suitable reward for sure. We will don our sportswear and sit in human centipede formation, remaining in the same spot the entire time, lifting giant oars in synchronicity and attaining no progress whatsoever. JUST GIVE THEM A DOMINO’S AND BAG OF CANS, LORD SUGAR.
8. After spending 1 (one) day in Cambridge, Dean started wearing his jumper over his shoulders
Dean, mate. Cambridge has changed you. You used to be cool, wearing jumpers or not wearing jumpers, with no middle ground confusing things for you. But now here you are, sipping champagne beside a marble countertop, keeping your shoulders warm with a gently-knotted jumper that isn’t technically being worn at all. I miss the old Dean. The one who continued to not do or say much of value, but definitely knew how to wear a jumper.
9. Lord Sugar’s receptionist was watching naughty videos on her work computer
Listen if the President of the United States can get away with being incredibly shit at Photoshop, so can I. The receptionist probably was watching naughty videos. She’s been looking at the exact same spreadsheet for five weeks now. I’m sick of it. Show her scrolling through her ex’s Instagram or watching Vine compilations on YouTube. Don’t sanitise what a workday looks like, The Apprentice. Don’t you bloody well dare.
Images via BBC
