Week 2 – Ice Lollies!
Things were pretty chill on The Apprentice last night, in the sense that there were frozen goods involved. Elsewhere, everyone was thoroughly frantic as usual.
The candidates simply had to produce and sell ice lollies. That was the task, no more, no less. Of course, a billion arguments broke out, the ice lollies looked and tasted like dirt and Claude and Karren had a terrible time throughout.
Still, it made for incredible television. Once you make peace with the fact that The Apprentice has nothing to do with business and everything to do with creating compelling reality television, that’s when the second half of your life can truly begin.
Here’s nine deeply cringe moments from last night’s show that are worth reliving.
1. Ryan-Mark wore his jacket like a cape because he is trying to subliminally establish himself as a hero
We’ve all heard the saying that ‘Not all heroes wear capes’, but Ryan-Mark very clearly hasn’t. The Apprentice candidates met Lord Sugar at an ice rink last night because their new task involved making ice cream and the set booker is the least creative person alive. While everyone else opted for an open jacket so as to showcase their moderately quirky ties, Ryan-Mark went full ‘I have a broken arm so can’t use my jacket sleeves’, subliminally establishing himself as a non-hero because they don’t even wear capes anymore.
2. In a deliciously sinister move, Marianne kept over-pronouncing the ‘T’s in Lottie
In the world of business where everything requires politeness and civility, sometimes the best defence is mispronouncing someone’s name in an almost unnoticeable way. Most won’t realise your subtle protest, but the name’s owner will gently simmer away like a pot of parboiled potatoes. Marianne kept saying ‘LoTTie’ in an exaggerated manner with a strong and almost sarcastic emphasis on the letter ‘T’ and it’s only a matter of time before Lottie goes nuclear. Standby for takeoff.
3. For a legitimate ice cream flavour, Lubna proposed ‘Cheesy Cola’, consisting of cream cheese and cola
“You could call it ‘Cheesy Cola'”, Lubna eagerly suggested to a rightfully horrified Carina and Pamela. With just six words, Lubna confirmed what viewers have suspected since the first episode of this series – The Apprentice producers have yet again chosen candidates based on how good they are for television, rather than suitable for the business world. The industry’s loss is our gain, frankly.
4. In a wonderfully poetic act of unintentional pathetic fallacy, Ryan-Mark branded Dean as “a U-turn” when they were standing under a ‘no left turn’ sign
After Dean changed the meeting plans during the space of a single car journey, Ryan-Mark was livid. He told Dean, “You are a U-turn” right when they were standing underneath a ‘no left turn’ traffic sign, which the cameraperson framed beautifully at the time. Huge congratulations to all involved, this was peak content from The Apprentice. Also, to be fair to Ryan-Mark, he was right. Dean is a U-turn. Vehicles must double back on the direction from which they came when it is safe to do so using the Dean method.
5. The boys were shocked when they learned that glitter disappears when it’s mixed with puréed raspberries
Of course! A premium ice lolly should always contain glitter, for sparkly substances are the pinnacle of lavish foods. But whomst was to know that adding glitter to a bunch of mushed raspberries would cause it to disappear as quick as Debbie McGee during a magic trick? Not The Apprentice candidates, certainly, for this is unknown territory to their precious little business minds.
6. Upon tasting the mixture that had extra coconut milk added to it, Kenna declared “It’s more coconut milkier”
Nice one, Kenna. Thanks for the insight. When they returned to the house, he described it as “Very housey” and then went to bed in a room that was “Actually not very roomy at all”.
7. Karren described the girls’ ice lollies as “Like eating garden”
To be fair, chucking an entire spring of rosemary into a tiny ice lolly was a foolish idea, but this is The Apprentice after all, a show where contestants have the same level of business acumen as a packet of Brillo Pads. Karren tried one of the girls’ ice lollies and dramatically yanked a piece of rosemary from her teeth with a blatant view to putting the girls on edge ahead of their boardroom appearance.
8. Thomas bragged to a customer that he was “up until 3 in the morning” making ice lollies and she responded, “I don’t care”
Britain, we have a new hero this morning and her name is ‘Unnamed customer on The Apprentice’. Thomas’ sales patter is world class, but it also leaves him wide open to ridicule from those that don’t buy into it. “I was up until 3 in the morning making ice lollies”, he told a disinterested lady, who replied “I don’t care, that’s your job”. In that moment, a pair of sunglasses descended from the sky onto her eyes and the words ‘Thug Life’ appeared in an aggressive font on screen.
9. While the girls were selling ice lollies, two penguins added themselves to the list of people that also needed to cool down
This the The Apprentice equivalent of that time a squirrel with huge nuts was frolicking around outside the GBBO tent. While the girls’ team were frantically trying to sell ice lollies to zoo customers, they missed out on some real life penguin drama. What appears to have happened in the above frame is that a penguin has just walked in on his/her lover mid-coitus with another penguin. That’s what the customers should’ve been paying attention to, not some garden-tasting ice lollies. BBC, give us the spinoff show we deserve.
Images via BBC
