Week 3 – Doughnuts
Holy heck, we’re really doing it. We are watching yet another series of The Apprentice and we’re already three episodes in. This, my dudes, is living.
Last night, the candidates were tasked with creating and selling artisan doughnuts at the extortionate price of £5 each. You’re probably wondering, where in the world is this acceptable? London, you big dummy. Only in London.
Naturally, it all went to shit because this year’s business hopefuls would struggle to start a fire on bonfire night.
Here’s 9 moments that were so cringe, they’re uncomfortable but necessary to relive so that we, as a species, can move on with our lives.
1. Typhoon’s meeting room made it look like Claude had forced them, at gunpoint, to conduct very specific role play as per his fetish
Does that, or does that not look like some gross little workshop Claude has set up in a shed behind his house? He kidnapped six young business professionals and forced them to conduct a meeting under his watchful eye. He’s sat in the corner taking everything in, breathing heavily and taking notes on who he should sacrifice first. All six are paralysed with fear, spurting out business jargon such as “it’s all about synergy” and “if there’s problems at the top, it trickles the whole way down to the bottom”. Claude Littner is a sick man.
2. Camilla wanted to place a teabag on top of a doughnut TO ADD VALUE AND FLAVOUR TO IT????
What a delicious concept for a doughnut, making it seem as though it has fallen into a bin, rested on a sea of discarded banana peels, yoghurt pots and teabags. Yummy. People will certainly pay £5 for such a treat. So outrageous was this concept, Kayode became the voice of reason when he asked the girls to sample what loose tea actually tastes like, at which point they very quickly realised that a ‘tea and biscuits’ doughnut was a horrendous idea. Naturally, they did it anyway because they are morons.
3. Karren Brady was visibly horrified at the idea of a hot sauce doughnut, but did nothing to stop it from happening
All credit to her, that’s exactly the right reaction given the circumstances. Hot sauce should never be combined with something as sacred as a doughnut. Personally, I feel the correct accompaniment for hot sauce is a giant steaming garbage bag, but that’s my own personal preference and I understand and respect that I am in the minority. Karren didn’t even try the hot sauce doughnut, she merely watched Frank choking on one. Naturally, after witnessing a man coming incredibly close to death, they went ahead with the donut prototype because they are dim.
4. Rick used a comically small calculator
Look! At! The! Bloody! Size! Of! That! Thing! With one press of his finger, Rick is hitting at least four buttons. Surely The Apprentice has reached the level of success it needs to purchase suitable equipment for its participants. Rick deserves a larger calculator, one with ease of access so that his questionable calculations can done with the utmost precision. Justice for Rick. Justice for all The Apprentice candidates. Get them bigger calculators and smaller egos, stat.
5. Camilla described these repulsive doughnuts as “artisan”
A doughnut covered in splooge, with an empty shot glass resting in its orifice, three rabbit poops and a cigar sitting on top, all of which have been flatted by a sizeable arse = artisan. Technically, Camilla isn’t wrong. These doughnuts have undeniably been handmade, albeit without any expertise whatsoever. They’re charging the client £5 per doughnut, which is hysterical and truly the greatest prank we’ve ever seen on The Apprentice.
6. A customer dramatically spat out her hot sauce doughnut right in front of the candidates
Shockingly, the hot sauce doughnuts weren’t the raving success that they were never destined to be. They sold poorly and the candidates had the good fortune of watching a customer bite into a doughnut, then immediately spit it back into the packaging right in the front of them. Rather than giving them a well-deserved bollocking, she simply got up from her seat and deposited the £5 piece of dough into the bin. Incredible. Is it too late to submit this performance for Best Actress in the Academy Awards? Sadly, I believe so.
7. Claude fell deeply in love with Kayode and they will likely go into business together now
Claude Littner is a simple man, one who merits people based on their business acumen alone. Also, he’s a sucker for a salesperson. Enter, Kayode. The man with three hands who can talk for Britain. He charmed punters with his boyish ways, convincing them to purchase more doughnuts than the product quite frankly deserved. Despite their shoddy appearance, Kayode was able to sweet talk passersby into buying all of his stock. In that very moment pictured above, Claude fell deeply in love.
8. KURRAN BROKE HIS ARM BECAUSE HE WAS ARM WRESTLING AND LORD SUGAR ABSOLUTELY SAVAGED HIM!!!
As soon as he’d sat down in his specially elevated chair, Lord Sugar asked Kurran what had happened. He explained that an incident had occurred back at the house whereby he ended up with a broken arm after doing some arm wrestling. Lord Sugar dropped a series of fire jokes, including how actors are supposed to break a leg rather than an arm, then congratulated Kurran on finally getting a cast, having a big break, and then asked had he appeared in Casualty. It was extreme savagery and no less than Kurran deserved. Well done to Lord Sugar’s joke writer.
9. After being fired, Frank looked like his entire world had just come crumbling down
Frank, mate. Relax. It’s only The Apprentice. Statistically, you’ve a better chance of succeeding when you don’t win. Also, the entire competition has lost all meaning now, it’s not about having legitimate business knowledge anymore. It’s a reality television show, cast with wacky applicants who are guaranteed to provide entertainment each week. You were merely a pawn in this sadistic game. You will succeed. You will get to experience the sweet taste of success one day, or failing that, another hot sauce doughnut if you so wish. Namaste.
Images via BBC
