Week 1 – South Africa!
The Apprentice is back and as expected, the candidates are more cringe than ever.
Last night’s task saw the business hopefuls travel to South Africa so that they could make fools of themselves in a different time zone than they’ll be using for the rest of the series.
Lest there was any doubt, the first episode has proven that somehow, there are still people in society that are willing to put themselves on telly to be bodied beyond belief in a business environment. Long may it continue, frankly.
The entire show was cringe from start to finish. Here’s nine moments that were especially difficult to digest.
1. It took just 3 minutes and 36 seconds for Brexit to get a mention
Inevitably, Brexit was always going to make a guest appearance in the first episode of The Apprentice 2019, and every other episode following that until the end of time. Clocking in at an impressive 3 minutes and 36 seconds, Lord Sugar dropped a very weak joke about Brexit, so whoever had ‘less than 5 minutes’ in the sweepstakes, congratulations. Unlike Brexit, your prize is on the way.
2. The candidates had to fly to Cape Town because there is simply no business left in the UK anymore
Look, if Lord Sugar gets to make one shitty Brexit joke, then so do I. Those are the rules.
3. Moments after their very first team meeting, Thomas confidently said “How can we lose?”, signifying that they would absolutely go on to lose the task
It’s the notorious kiss of death in The Apprentice and Thomas took that bait with gay abandon, confidently preempting his team’s win in the task. “If we lose, I’ll eat my hat”, he said, despite not wearing or probably owning any headwear, formal or otherwise. Wrap up the show, we’ve already figured who’s winning the task.
4. Lottie proposed that she should be the sub team leader because she knows the population of South Africa
Lottie, my librarian friend, how does this information pertain to the task? Congratulations on having access to Wikipedia, but please resist the urge to flex your unlimited data plan when the grown ups are trying to work. What she’s done here is the equivalent of someone announcing “I am an orthodontist, if that’s any help?” on board a flight when there has just been an emergency announcement looking for a doctor.
5. Karren Brady remained completely professional as she watched a man spit animal poop out of his mouth
The safari guide was showing the boys what the trip would entail for their customers, when he took a brief moment to demonstrate spitting springbok poo out of his mouth as a fun game. Karren Brady recoiled in horror, then walked away because she is a professional. The candidates should’ve switched the roles and snitched to Lord Sugar about her blatant lack of professionalism, but they are rightfully afraid of her.
6. Riyonn very confidently identified some rhinos as elephantsÂ
Nice on Riyonn, mate. Then he covered up the very obvious blunder by saying “I haven’t got my glasses on”. That’ll show them! Imagine paying £90 for a safari only for one of the tour guides to identify the correct animal. That’s like tuning into a reality TV business show expecting to see legitimate business people only to find that they’re completely hopeless lol imagine.
7. The girls’ reward for winning the task was literally just getting to go back to the house
Usually the winning team is treated to a fun activity such as cocktail making or getting a smile out of Claude Littner, but last night’s winners got a well deserved trip back to the house after coming first in the task by a whopping £44 margin. Fair enough, they’d all just gotten back from South Africa, but even a Domino’s or something would’ve sufficed. RIP The Apprentice budget.
8. Ryan-Mark, the poshest man alive, holds a glass of champagne exactly how you would imagine the poshest man alive to hold it
Look at Ryan-Mark, a man so fancy he had to be given two first names. Look at his perfect posture, look at his tousled hair, look at his arm instinctively ready to clink his glass of champagne with whomever requests it. Posh people are always cheers-ing to something, he is simply giving into his muscle memory urges. To you, Ryan-Mark. Cheers.
9. The Bridge cafe continues to refuse to keep up with the ever-evolving technological demands of the 21st century
For fifteen series The Apprentice‘s losing team has had to go to that gross little Bridge Cafe to make shit cups of tea that they tensely sip while verbally tearing chunks out of each other in a bid to work out who they’ll all gang up on in the board room. So for fifteen years, the cafe has refused to accept card payments, meaning these losers have to pay cash for their shit tea. In a way, it’s poetry.
Images via BBC
