Pure solid televisual gold.
If you haven’t been keeping up with Celebrity Big Brother this series, I don’t blame you. The show is a steaming pile of garbage, but something funny happened over the weekend that needs to be brought to your attention. Sarah Harding (Girls Aloud) and Chad Johnson (The Bachelor) had a cheeky smooch in the kitchen.
Pretty standard behaviour, but what adds a particular element of finesse to it is the manner in which they reacted upon realising that the entire thing had been caught on camera. On Big Brother. In a house that is full of cameras, as the entire premise of the show is that every movement is being recorded.
The entire event is fucking spectacular, so I will now analyse it beyond the point of necessity, purely because nobody else will.
Act I, Scene I – The Instigation
Sarah and Chad are meandering their way through the living room, when Sarah goes in for the HHW (half hug walk). Chad seems tentative about obliging this woman’s wishes. He keeps his hand in his pocket for a second or two, hesitating about what could potentially unfold. Sarah Harding was in Girls Aloud, so is this really something he wants to get himself into? She was the fourth most likeable girl out of a group of five. Is she worthy of his affections? The man needs some time to think.
Act I, Scene II – The Submission
Eventually, Chad embraces Sarah’s displays of affection, placing a firm and authoritative arm over her shoulder, thus providing the signal that they are both on the same page. They head towards the kitchen in perfect harmony, unsure of what lies ahead, but excited to share this experience together. They’re going into the situation blind, but as one. What lies through those kitchen doors is a mystery, but this pair is all too aware that every single day is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.
Act II, Scene I – Scoping Out The Area
Sarah and Chad arrive into the kitchen practically dizzy with lovers’ excitement. Aside from a lopsided pineapple, the kitchen appears to be empty. These rampant homo sapiens are safe. They do a quick scan of the immediate area, ensuring that nobody is hiding behind the see-through chairs, nor the incredibly slender beam to their left, nor the several thousand mirrors casually encircling them. There doesn’t appear to be a cameraman around, which is most definitely how this show works so, therefore, there must not be anyone recording them at that particular time. It’s safe.
Act II, Scene II – The Smooch Commencement
Sarah stumbles towards the beam, pulling Chad with her. He seems confused at first, but quickly pieces together the very straightforward puzzle that is currently unfolding. Her arms find his broad husky shoulders and his arms find her famous Girls Aloud hips and upper back. It’s intimate, borderline pornographic and beautiful. Their kissing noises are sufficiently perturbing, but whether you like it or not, what we’re looking at here is love. They are in love. Look up ‘love’ in the dictionary, and you will see the above image.
Act II, Scene III – Continuation Of The Smooch
The pair quickly find their feet (tongues) and get into the swing of things. Big Brother’s director makes the brave decision to go for a bird’s eye view of the proceedings using the camera placed directly beside the pole. Many viewers will have looked away at that point, giving these two lovebirds the privacy and respect they so blatantly crave. Not I, I kept watching for the sole purpose of this analysis. It’s a tough watch, but they’re really doing it. They are kissing on the telly and Chad is nailing his audition for the lead role in a rom-com thanks to his expert facial touching technique.
Act III, Scene I – Sarah’s Realisation
Midway through their raunchy smooching session, Sarah finds herself halting proceedings to take a quick look to her left. The moment captured above is her instant reaction upon discovering that, on Big Brother, there was a camera filming her the entire time. A split second later, she’s reduced to an embarrassed wreck, turning her head to the other side, where a multitude of cameras can also easily film her every move. At this point, Chad suspects that something is amiss.
Act III, Scene II – Chad’s Realisation
Spurred by Sarah’s animated reaction, Chad decides to investigate this matter from himself. To his surprise, there is a camera watching him in the Big Brother house. They both express a level of embarrassment that is completely warranted given that they hadn’t anticipated their every move to be documented on a reality television show famed for having live camera recordings taking place at all times. They separate, quickly gather themselves and carry on with the evening’s nonchalance.
Act IV, Scene I – The Aftermath
Both visibly shaken by the unforeseen events that have just taken place, Sarah hurries herself to the opposite side of the kitchen, so as to escape the singular camera under which they were caught kissing. Luckily, a second camera (one of hundreds) manages to pick up her movements. Presumably, as a means of reassurance, Chad says “Maybe they didn’t see it… it’s possible”, which provides Sarah with no comfort whatsoever. In this moment, Chad reveals himself to be a literal moron, therefore adding to the weight of Sarah’s mind as she questions her actions.
Act IV, Scene II – The Admission
Sarah holds her hand up, in both a literal and metaphorical sense. In a way, it’s the most beautiful form of honesty many of us are ever likely to see in our short little lifetimes. She’s a woman who’s just been caught kissing a man, so she puts on a bit of a show for the show that she is currently on because at the end of the day, Sarah Harding is a fucking businesswoman. Chad doesn’t even see her admissive hand, but he feels it. They were caught doing the deed and must now face the deathly consequences: waiting until they leave the house to find out if their other halves have left them.
Act V, Scene I (Final Scene) – Acceptance
Sarah, as all victims of trauma do, hurries herself into the pantry. Perhaps she went there because it’s where she feels most comfortable, surrounded by the safe nature of crisps, cereals, sauces, toilet roll, suitcases and a tumble drier. She says “so screwed” over and over, which is made even more hilarious by the fact that she is wearing a lei the entire time. ‘Sarah got lei’d’ is a headline that some trashy tabloid newspaper can feel free to use for this one, you’re welcome. Sarah buries her head in her hands until the screen fades to black. What we’ve just witnessed is iconic, essential and deeply entertaining viewing. Thank you, Big Brother.
Images via YouTube
