Week 2 – Comics
This week’s instalment of The Apprentice saw the candidates tasked with having to produce an AR comic book.
As Lord Sugar pointed out, AR was supposed to stand for Augmented Reality, not Absolute Rubbish, in a line that was absolutely fed to him by a semi-professional joke writer who cites The Big Bang Theory and Mrs Brown’s Boys as their favourite television series of all time.
Just as we’ve come to expect with any episode of The Apprentice, an abundance of cringe ensued during last night’s proceedings.
Here’s 8 moments that could only be watched through narrow gaps in your eyelids, which you deliberately glued shut to avoid the pain.
1. The illustrated version of Lord Sugar was absolutely savage
Since this week’s task involved comic books, it made perfect sense for Lord Sugar to have a lie in and allow an illustrated version of himself to inform the candidates of their project brief. At a glance, cartoon Lord Sugar is a savage piece of work. It’s not a caricature, yet they’ve taken liberties by enlarging his ears, further receding his hairline, adding a double chin, enlarging his nose and adding more wrinkles. Was the artist a disgruntled former employee of Lord Sugar’s? All signs point to yes.
2. Karen didn’t know what ‘YOLO’ meant
Midway through the girls’ deliberations over what to call their comic book, the usually silent Karen interjected with a burning question. “Ladies, what is YOLO?”, she asked with a tone that suggested both the question and the answer were extremely beneath her. The girls answered in unison “You only live once”, and upon hearing this, Karen scribbled something into her diary. Probably “I am so fucking sick of this godforsaken job and I welcome the sweet release of death”.
3. Frank ripped his pants and Claude’s look of disgust suggested that although it is only the second week, he is deeply sick of their bullshit
Amid all the boyish roughhousing that comes with the excitement of making a comic book that will never actually go to print, the boys incurred a small accident. Upon mounting Kurran, Frank split his trousers which produced a sound effect that was either taken from a high quality sound library or The Apprentice’s sound guy deserves a pay rise. Claude’s face was so unimpressed, it displayed the expression pictured above for 5-7 minutes. He then wrote in his notebook “I am so fucking sick of this godforsaken job and I welcome the sweet release of death”.
4. Khadija decided that her comic book character would teach people French, despite none of her team being able to speak French
Of course! If nobody around you can speak French, obviously you should incorporate an expert knowledge of French into your plan. Truly, this year’s candidates haven’t been chosen based on their business ideas or accomplishments. The jig is up. We’re finally getting the show we deserve. They’re putting morons in circumstances where they are guaranteed to fail because that’s what entertainment looks like. Credit where it’s due, viewers are thankful for this brave decision. Keep the fools coming, Sugar Daddy.
5. To make their comic book seem more French, the girls added a croissant
Ah yes, the national symbol of France, the humble croissant. Lest the comic readers be confused by the lack of actual correctly translated French within the book, they will very quickly realise that the theme is France thanks to the presence of a flaky pastry. Last night’s episode of The Apprentice serves as an important reminder that you should pay attention in school. Sure, it’s not exactly thrilling content, but it ensures that you won’t grow up to be a complete moron.
6. David is an accountant who writes stories in his spare time, so Lord Sugar asked him if his character was called Vatman
*sighs* I’m certain, even though I do not have the means to prove it, that Lord Sugar is being spoon-fed jokes on this series of The Apprentice. I believe that this happens every year, but it’s incredibly obvious during this series because they’ve hired someone whose level of humour, although still very poor, is miles beyond Lord Sugar’s. Do we honestly believe that the business mogul has it within him to construct such a clever wordplay as ‘Vatman’ off the cuff like that? He does not. Again, I cannot prove this. But I trust my gut.
7. Khadija legitimately said: “Kim Jong-un? I have no idea who he is. To be so powerful, he must have done something right?”
After Lord Sugar described her as the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Khadija did what anyone in that position would do, and continued not to know or ask who that was. Even during the girls team’s reward, she bragged about her ignorance, then announced her support for a man that regularly conducts public executions, among other heinous acts. Good on Khadija for seeing the positives in being compared to one of the most dangerous men in the world.
8. Kurran revealed himself to be a robot, thanks to his posture and general robotic demeanour
Is that, or is that not, the exact manner of a robot? They sit upright because their joints simply do not bend as well as ours. They don’t require leverage from the seat or their own knees to assist standing up because the full force of their power comes from their appendages. Kurran is not a human. He is a robot who looks remarkably like Lord Farquaad from Shrek. He will advance as far as he desires in this competition because he is exercising mind control over the other contestants as well as Lord Sugar. Be vigilant, Britain.
Images via BBC
