Week 6 – Airline Advertising
They’ve already ruined everything else, so last night made perfect sense for The Apprentice candidates to then turn their efforts towards airlines.
Their appropriate knowledge of how to successfully invent and market a brand new airline company was akin to that of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370, in the sense that it was nowhere to be found.
Truly, this year’s show has somehow tracked down the least capable contestants of all time. A small basket of feral cats would be better equipped to handle these weekly tasks. Plus, they’d take up far less space and look adorable scrambling their way into the taxis every time they have to change location.
As ever, last night’s episode contained a multitude of deeply cringe moments. Here’s 8 of the very worst things that happened.
1. These chumps held up an airport runway just so they could film the intro
Imagine being stuck on the runway for half an hour. Disgruntled, you look out the window, only to see Lord Sugar, Karren Brady and Claude Littner standing in formation, addressing a group of chumps wearing smart/casual business attire. Surely they could’ve filmed this somewhere else? Inside a simulator, on board a moving plane, at the bottom of the ocean? Anywhere other than on a runway. The Apprentice didn’t need to go this hard. But still, they did that. They did that for all of us.
2. Camilla earnestly suggested that they call their airline ‘Strawpedo’
In figuring out a name for their new airline, Camilla suggested ‘Strawpedo’, which sounds like a good name for someone who enjoys sexually violating underage straws. Jackie, thankfully, was quick to shut down that line of consideration, at which point Camilla thankfully offered up an alternative in ‘Sip n Fly’ or ‘Jet Pop’. On what planet does a word that ends in ‘pedo’ sound like a good product? Even liquorice torpedoes are reconsidering a name change in this modern age. Get a clue, Camilla.
3. Jackie pretended to have a microphone for her presentation, despite already having a microphone for her presentation
See that black fluffy item on your chest, Jackie? That’s a microphone. I understand that you’re playing the role of an air hostess here, but you haven’t got a handheld microphone. Perhaps you could’ve gotten one in advance as part of your costume, but merely resting your hand in the shape that it would take on when holding a microphone doesn’t really make sense. We can hear you loud and clear thanks to your booming Canadian voice. Microphones, fake or otherwise, are unnecessary.
4. Kurran’s team’s airline logo contained a literal explosion in the design
Not a huge expert on airline marketing, but I’m pretty sure that potential customers don’t want to be reminded of explosions when they’re booking a flight. Might just be me, but I don’t fancy thinking about the fragility of human life before I even book the flight, I’ll keep that to when I’m actually on the plane, thank you very much. This is a poor call on the team’s behalf, which is shocking because their business acumen has been flawless up until this point???
5. Sabrina’s team put AC/DC’s ‘Highway To Hell’ as the soundtrack to their airline advert
One of the smug airline professionals in the audience queried Sabrina’s team’s unconventional choice of putting a song about going to hell in their promo video, which left Kayode thoroughly stumped for an answer. He’s not built for this. He’s a nice guy, last week he told Karren Brady what ‘fleek’ meant. Kayode deserves better than these buffoons coming in and questioning the decisions of his moronic team. Britain deserves better. Justice for Kayode. The rest can go to hell, tbqh.
6. Sarah modelled her team’s cabin crew outfit in the exact manner of a robot
Have you ever, in all of your life, stood like Sarah is standing here? The answer is no, unless you’ve had a spray tan and the technician instructed you to adopt the above pose so that he/she could spray your hands properly. I’d like to float the idea that Sarah is a robot. She doesn’t emote well, rarely speaks and has a flurry of piercings dotted around her body in strange places. This is blatantly the work of a mad scientist trying painfully hard to make their robot look like a regular human being.
7. Jackie, undoing the strings on her top, described her team’s cabin crew uniforms as “easy to wipe down”
The saddest part about this is how Jackie couldn’t understand why people were laughing at her statement. Sure, the clothes probably are quite easy to wipe down, but if that’s your main selling point about anything, it’s probably not a great product. Everything is easy to wipe down. Tables, walls, babies, all you need is a cloth and some elbow grease. Also, was it really essential for the top to have detachable strings? In what situation will that help passengers to enjoy their flight? Oh. Okay. I get it now. Porn.
8. Kurran left the competition looking more like Lord Farquaad than ever before
Truly, there has never been a candidate on The Apprentice who both looked and operated in the exact same manner as Lord Farquaad more than Kurran. He exuded a false sense of superiority like it was his goddamn job. Kurran finally met his demise during last night’s show, being the latest victim of the long Lord Sugar finger of the law. “You’re fired” rang out and with that, Kurran put on his fur coat and Lenny Kravitz inspired scarf, then disappeared into back into obscurity forevermore. Rest easy, big guy. Duloc shall be your kingdom once again.
Images via BBC
