Day 48.
It is with a heavy heart I must announce that Love Island is finally coming to a close.
The finale airs tonight and although the inevitable winners (Jack & Dani) could’ve been crowned as far back as week one, it’s nice that we had a small distraction from our impending mortality for the past two months.
Last night’s episode was the golden snitch of Love Island content because we got to park our fascination with making fun of the islanders and instead switch our efforts to making fun of their parents instead.
Danny Dyer appeared via satellite and it made the past eight weeks of loyal and sometimes testing viewership fully worth it.
Behold, six essential moments you might’ve missed.
1. The islanders were in disbelief that their parents, in line with every series of Love Island, would be visiting them in the villa
I have watched precisely 2 (two) series of Love Island in my entire life, and even I know that the parents always visit the villa during the final week. The islanders, whom are likely to have done a smidge of research before heading into the villa, put on Oscar-worthy performances when the text arrived to inform them that their families would be stopping by for a visit. In reality, they probably laid out specific clothes for their family members to wear into the villa before they left for Mallorca, ensuring they don’t disgrace each others’ chances of achieving superstardom post-Love Island.Â
2. Alex’s mother revealed herself to be thoroughly colourblindÂ
As soon as they sat on the steps for a chat, Alex’s Mum remarked “You are really brown” and in that moment it became abundantly clear that the woman is completely colourblind. It’s a condition found far more commonly among men, affecting 1 in 12 males worldwide, but just 1 in 200 women. A famously colourblind person is Mark Zuckerberg, who made the Facebook logo blue because he suffers from red-green colourblindness. Would Facebook still be as popular today if the logo was red? That depends. Would it still give a platform to hate speech and generally garbage people? Lol. Anyway, isn’t Alex very pink?
3. Dani! Dyer! Calls! Her! Grandad! Bruv!
Dani was elated to see her grandparents arriving in the villa, one of whom she referred to as ‘bruv’ because she wanted a brother when she was younger. Truly, the rationalisation is irrelevant. If you were asked which Love Island contestants refers to their grandad as ‘bruv’ before knowing it was Dani Dyer, you would know for certain that it was always going to be a descendent of Danny Dyer. All credit to Dani’s grandad, he looks like an absolute bruv. He exudes bruv energy. He is more bruv than many peoples’ legitimate brothers. Now, he is our bruv. Last night, the entire country gained a bruv. May he continue to be a bruv until the end of time. Please, join me. To bruv *raises glass*
4. Abs are now cancelled because Danny Dyer said so
Danny Dyer said to Jack, “It takes a brave man to bowl in that gaff they’re all abbed up ain’t got nothing about them, no disrespect yeah? Proper geezer” and with that, abs were cancelled. Gym memberships across the country have been terminated since last night’s show aired, bodybuilders are out of the job and donut sales have gone up by 800% since business hours opened this morning. Abs are done, they’re gone. Having “a little Derby” is in and unlikely to ever go out of fashion now that Danny Dyer has given it his blessing. Get ahead of the curve – remove your abs today.
5. Two days before the series ends, the islanders finally decided to use the jacuzzi
Look, I get it. They’re in Mallorca and it’s very warm. But these kids should’ve been in that jacuzzi stark naked every night sipping a glass of sangria and eating an assortment of crisp flavours you can only get on holidays. Instead, they waited 48 days to have a quick splash about and there wasn’t a snack nor wine-based drink to hand. There’s a lot of things the islanders haven’t taken advantage of on their two-month free holiday, day drinking and jacuzzi usage being the main two. Next year they need to bring in a contestant who’s going to do things right. We need and deserve a session legend on Love Island 2019. Applications are now open.
6. The islanders took a moment to observe the blood moon ahead of the final dumping
The blood moon shone brightly above the Love Island villa right before Alex and Alexandra were sent packing. There was something strangely comforting about the moon. It was brighter than before, more wholesome, not afraid to tell someone that they were doing his nut. Hang on, is that? It can’t be? Is it? Is that Daniel John Dyer, father of Love Island 2018 contestant Dani Dyer? He secured his position as a national treasure earlier on in the episode, then transported himself onto the moon so that he could watch over his precious daughter and her Derby-promoting boyfriend. What a man. What a family. What a series. Truly, what a Love Island.
Images via ITV
