Episode 3.
No disrespect to anyone involved, but this show is the worst thing that I’ve ever seen and I once sat through a primary school production of Les Misérables where girls played both the male and female roles.
Survival of the Fittest is a tough watch. The people are terrible, the tasks are terrible and the eyewear is terrible.
It’s solid gold if you love trash TV though.
Here’s five uncomfortable things I begrudgingly sat through during last night’s show.
1. The world’s most awkward three-way hug and kiss took place
After Tia was sent home, Georgie was understandably upset that she wouldn’t be seeing a girl who she’d known for 24 hours for a few weeks. James and Ryan stepped in to comfort her at exactly the same time, which resulted in a deeply uncomfortable three-way hug and kiss situation that I’ve made into a gif because it needs to be immortalised on the internet forever. James goes in for a kiss at the same time as Ryan, so Ryan holds back and then receives a kiss on the cheek from James, and eventually plants one on Georgie’s face despite her facing the other way for the entirety of this encounter. These people are unhealthily awkward.
2. The ugly and structurally confusing glasses returned
The fashion police have been briefed on the situation and have assured us that they are very close to making an arrest in the near future. Someone in the lodge has brought the most tragic pair of glasses with them and they must be reprimanded immediately. Yesterday, we saw James sporting these unruly specs, but now it’s Mariam’s turn to give them a lash. Are they hers? Are they James’? Are they a prop from an upcoming sci-fi movie where the world is infected with the ugliest eyewear known to man? I’m going to get some answers if it kills me. Watch this space.
3. A new Pope was elected!
Just kidding, nobody wants to be Pope. Last night’s episode saw the boys and girls going head-to-head in a challenge where they had to crack a code, then find some buoys in a polluted lake with the right numbers attached. It was extremely gripping (if your attention span is incredibly low and you’ve never seen television before). To signify a winner, we were told that the above item would emit purple smoke. Instead, it took its time in pushing out one tiny puff of white smoke, which therefore means that a Pope has been elected. Unfortunately nobody applied to be Pope of the lodge, so it was all for nothing.
4. Callum was incredibly confused by the concept of a wig
Mariam was explaining her hair to Callum, but he couldn’t grasp the concept of a wig. No matter how much Mariam dumbed down the situation, his fragile little Welsh mind just couldn’t figure it out. Mariam explained very thoroughly that her hair is a wig and she has to adjust it from time to time. Callum may as well have been trying to work out the Fibonacci Sequence because sweet precious nothing was adding up in his brain. He sported the above expression for the entirety of their conversation and then went back to eating his cereal. Callum is three years old but with a very mature body.
5. James was eating a big dirty burger and gingerly expressed “Shit, it’s going all over my loafers”
The poshest man alive proved himself to be precisely that as he expressed a deep and tender concern for his loafers. The boys were rewarded with some burgers and beer after they won the task, but this delicious treat came at a personal cost for James. He’d foolishly worn a pair of loafers to the burger buffet and sod’s law meant that his precious brogues ended up partially soiled from the burger. Sometimes the things you love are the things that end up hurting you the most. We’re sending James and his loafers love, light and our thoughts and prayers at this incredibly difficult time.
Images via ITV
