Week 8 – Pastry!
Big bloody night in the GBBO tent last night, wasn’t it? Big bloody night.
All of sudden, there were but five contestants in the quaintly-decorated tent, baking their little hearts out to avoid uncertain death being eliminated from the competition.
Pastry week brought with it many twists, turns, folds and an assortment of decorations, but only one baker could triumph to be crowned The Best Baker (for now).
Sadly, we lost precious Henry, but his spirit shall live on in the tent. Now he is free to follow his dreams of the jobs he’s been dressing for all this time – an office temp / Harry Potter on holidays. Godspeed, precious one.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s show.
1. Noel made a very subtle dig at a previous GBBO contestant
Cast your mind back to the tender days of GBBO series five. Things were different then, purer. The world was a different place. Brad and Angelia were still together, for instance. But the sanctity of GBBO was compromised during that series. Lest we forget, Diana momentarily took Iain’s baked Alaska out of the fridge and it all went to shit. He chucked the gloopy mass into the bin in a burst of rage and was ultimately eliminated from the competition for failing to produce anything. Diana, intentionally or not, ended Iain’s GBBO journey. Flash forward to the current series and Noel’s jumper was a very blatant tribute to her actions, even though it happened ages ago. Never forget. But also, move on.
2. Prue came to the tent dressed as Mario because she craves the adoration of that portly moustachioed plumber
“It’s-a me, Prue!”, and what a style icon she is. Prue Leith’s rogue fashion choices have rightfully been the talk of the tent during this year’s GBBO and now that we’re in the eighth week of the series, she’s pushing boundaries like never before. Always with a hint of youthful inspiration, Prue continues to transcend the fashion industry. Chanel is cancelled. Burberry is cancelled. Louis Vuitton is cancelled. Tom Ford is cancelled. Primark is extremely cancelled. They cannot compete with the level of ingenuity that Pru-Lei is exhibiting on a sickeningly consistent basis. Plumber chic is back. Remember who wore it first.
3. In a brazen move and a first for GBBO, one of the contestants presented baked beans for their signature bake
Technically Henry actually baked something, because as the name suggests, they are baked beans. What a legend, what a purveyor of banter, what an absolute LAD! Yeah fair enough, they’re actually cherry tomatoes, but can’t we just pretend? The monotony of everyday life can weigh us all down, robbing us of our creativity and imagination. Let’s just pretend that Henry went down in a blaze of glory last night, confidently presenting a tray of baked beans to the judges. “Legend”, Noel Fielding would’ve muttered under his breath. “Unacceptable”, Hollywood would’ve declared. “Bean there, done that”, the headlines would say. What a world we could be living in, if we simply just pretend.
4. Henry had sunscreen hidden in his workstation and was therefore exposed to be cheating his way through the competition
Look at that brazen little 200ml bottle of Nivea moisture lock sunscreen, presumably factor 30. The camera accidentally revealed Henry’s secret weapon and unearthed him as a boldfaced cheater. It all makes sense now. None of Henry’s bakes have burned thus far? How is that? Perhaps he is simply a very good baker? Or perhaps he has been coating them in sunscreen? It all makes sense. Bakers are some of the most deceptive people you will ever meet, always looking for their next fix. They snort macaron crumbs, inject raspberry coulis into their veins and now we have indisputable confirmation that they coat their pastries in Nivea sunscreen. Henry is a liar and a cheat. He should sizzle and then fry in the sun for what he has done.
5. Noel and Sandi inevitably ran out of time check announcement ideas, so pulled in the big guns
Adam…. Adam Hills? Adam Hills. That is Adam Hills and for some unexplained reason, he appeared to do a quick time check during last night’s GBBO. While this is a time of great uncertainty for bakers and viewers alike, we need to remember that this was always going to happen. Sandi and Noel are funny people, but they can only think of so many japes to get through every show. It’s a long series and that tent is very warm. Prime joke conditions are temperature-dependent, everyone knows that. Give the guys a break. Adam Hills is legally required to appear on every Channel 4 show at least once. What we’re seeing here is simply politics at work.
6. Rosie ensured that that nation’s dreams would be haunted forevermore
A dragon. “A dragon”. Rosie made a pie dragon and now it’s unlikely that any of us will feel the comfort of a full night’s sleep ever again. Look at those eyes, look at those toenails, look at the suspicious black substance oozing from its back. The world is scary enough without bringing something like that into the sanctity of GBBO. Rosie has tinged this series with horror, picking up where Helena left off. She is a menace unto society. Although Paul Hollywood cut into the pie dragon, thereby slaying it (Yaas, queen), its spirit will live on in that godforsaken tent forevermore. Once you bring pie dragon into the world, there’s very little you can do to stop it. We must lock our doors twice tonight, Britain, and every night after that until the end of time.
Images via Channel 4
