Yes, I purchased a calendar in August.
Gary Barlow has an official 2017 calendar on the market and let me tell you, it is an absolute treat.
It’s mostly just pictures of Gaz in a tank top but I’m just here for the facial expressions.
Upon purchasing said calendar at the end of August, meaning I’d only get four months use out of it, I decided to dig a little deeper to really get my money’s worth.
I’m going to go through the imagery used in the calendar to see if his poses and facial expressions somehow managed to predict world events, thereby proving that Gary Barlow is a psychic and also that it is impossible to run out of content if you’re imaginative enough.
January
Gary appears to be having some breakfast and a perusal of the morning’s papers. Frankly, it’s a bold fashion choice for January, considering the average temperature is usually around 5°C. Regardless, in reading a newspaper during the first month of the year, Gary is letting us know that he has a keen interest in current affairs. But wait, what’s that on the back of the paper?
That’s right, ‘Mexican president had troubles before Trump’. In holding such a damning piece of content, is Barlow condemning the President of the United States and his involvement with Enrique Peña Nieto? Surely not. But is Barlow’s stern expression trying to convey something? Absolutely.
In January of this year, millions of women worldwide took part in a march to protest the inauguration of Donald Trump as POTUS. It doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots. Gary Barlow knew something of this magnitude would happen, it was inevitable. He adopted a sombre face in solidarity with women worldwide. Gary Barlow is a hero.
Alternatively, perhaps Barlow suspected that Barack Obama would present Joe Biden with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Although it would be a heartwarming tale, Gary didn’t come down in the last shower. He knows what the internet is like. “They’re going to make a mockery of the whole thing online with all their memes”, he said.
Regardless, the facts are these: Gary Barlow knew that January 2017 was going to be a difficult month for his fans. The world descended into turmoil with the inauguration of Donald Trump as president and he reflected that in his facial expression and tensed muscles visible in that tight fit tank top. 31 days of uncertainty were made slightly more bearable thanks to his sympathetic face.
FebruaryÂ
He’s still in the same tank top he wore in January, but Gary Barlow was a changed man in February. He looks stronger and more pensive than before. He’s been hardened to the world, evolved into a far more mature being and seems hopeful.
Unfortunately, he predicted February’s mood completely wrong, as the world continued to descend into shit and that’s all thanks to three words: La La Land. That’s right. The movie “of a generation” was a steaming pile of garbage yet still it somehow managed to clean up at the Academy Awards. Barlow’s hopeful expression, although uplifting, simply wasn’t enough to combat the weight of the world’s inadequacies. It won six Oscars, Gary. SIX. Half a dozen. You should’ve warned us.
The only saving grace in February was Adele’s Grammy awards for best song and best album. Finally, something to unite us all and give us inspiration that 2017 might not be the year of the turd. Adele’s music will bring us all to enlightenment, we thought. She will keep us from harm, we hoped. Then Trump overturned Obama’s directive on Transgender rights to use bathrooms and everything went to shit again.
March
Barlow’s out of the tank top and straight back into the look of despair in March, and who can blame him? The weather’s always a load of shite and you’re in no man’s land in terms of things to look forward to because as we all know, Easter is just Christmas’ weird cousin.
Gary could’ve adopted a slightly lesser disgruntled expression since March saw the release of Beauty and the Beast starring Emma Watson and Dan Stevens, two very decent Brits. It made $1.3bn and was widely regarded as a huge success. But Barlow couldn’t see the light, he knew that other things were afoot.
Barlow’s face tells us that something uncomfortable would happen in March, and happen it certainly did. March 29th was the day that Ivanka Trump took up her role as advisor to Trump, providing us all with a glimmer of hope that the lunatic could be tamed, but ultimately proving herself to be another accessory in his bid to destroy the United States. Woo!
Continuing the shit storm that is 2017, Theresa May signed Article 50 at the end of March, thereby triggering the commencement of Brexit. Gary looks understandably concerned as a result. He knew it was coming, he tried to warn us with his intense stare and linked hands. His distant stare is truly chilling. Barlow knew.
April
Gary’s getting fit in April, but why? Because he’s going to need his utmost strength to tackle what came hurtling towards us in April, that’s why.
April saw Kendall Jenner heroically offering a can of Pepsi to a police officer in a bid to ease tensions between them and the protestors. Obviously, it was a load of bollocks and nobody bought into it, so it got pulled and the relevant apologies were issued. Barlow called it. He’s running to keep himself of sound body and mind when the advertising industry is crumbling all around us. He’s also running in preparation for what was due to happen on April 9th.
Footage emerged on Twitter of a United Airlines passenger being forcibly removed from an overbooked flight. It instantly went viral and outraged people worldwide. Barlow preempted this. He got fitter and stronger than ever. What if a similar occurrence was to befall him? Barlow isn’t going to take it lying down, he’s going to fight back.
The look of determination in April was spot on and Gary deserves serious credit for this. His fighting spirit motivated the world. His clenched fist represents society and our refusal to succumb to hardship. We shall not be silenced.
May
Barlow’s back in a pensive mood for May, which can only mean one thing: Some stuff is probably going to happen because that’s how news works.
In May, Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election, beating Marine Le Pen and as expected, Barlow predicted it. In the image above, he appears to be eating a croissant, or possibly even a cronut. That’s a surefire signal that he was anticipating the French election. But how did he know it wouldn’t be Marine Le Pen? Well, do you see a pen in the photo? No. That’s because Marine Le PEN is no longer in the picture, as she lost.
Another noteworthy May 2017 event was Tiger Woods being arrested for driving under the influence. As you can see, Gary is drinking what appears to be a cup of coffee, which is precisely what Tiger should’ve been drinking if he was planning to get behind the wheel. You tell him, Gary. The big idiot, he could’ve taken his own life or the lives of other people with his reckless behaviour.
June
Something’s troubling Gary Barlow in June 2017 and he’s not quite sure what it is yet, but he knows it’s going to shake him to his core.
Flash forward to the 17th of June and it happens. Gary Barlow’s troubling premonition comes true. Bill Cosby’s trial for aggravated indecent assault was declared a mistrial because the jurors couldn’t reach a verdict. Gary was sick to his stomach. How many women need to come forward before that sick man is locked up?
Add to this, the fact that Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook reached 2 billion monthly users and what we’ve got here is one suitably disgruntled man. Barlow sensed that June would test us. Facebook is removing the necessity for human contact and rendering us all socially inept. Where do we draw the line? Is human contact going to dry up entirely? Not on Gary Barlow’s watch.
July
Gary’s still not happy and it’s with good reason. He knew that July would continue to test us all and the signs are all over his concerned little face.
July turned out to be the month in which Wayne Rooney announced that he would leave Manchester United after 13 years to rejoin Everton. Gary was gutted, he was sure that Rooney had at least two more years left in him at Old Trafford. The decision completely blindsided him. He knew something bad would happen in July, but not this bad. Not this catastrophic. Everton don’t deserve him, Barlow knows it and so does Rooney.
Not content with enough misery, the movie ‘Dunkirk’ was also released in July. Gary, clearly apprehensive in the above image, was wrought with nerves. Would Christopher Nolan be able to deliver yet another cinematic masterpiece? Would Harry Styles’ acting debut live up to his full potential? He was a bag of nerves on the opening night.
Luckily, to his delight, Dunkirk surpassed all expectations and was widely regarded as a box office hit. Classic Barlow, always worrying for no reason!
August
Thus brings us to the present month in which we find ourselves, August. Barlow knew, yet again, that we would all require some intense eye contact from him to get us through this month.
But why? Why would we need a reassuring yet intense stare from Gary Barlow this month? Because on 2nd August 2017, Prince Philip made his final solo public appearance ahead of retiring from all public engagements. He did it. He served this country and thereby us for as long as he could, but now it’s party time for the Prince.
The nation was shocked. How could we carry on being a truly united kingdom when our most important figurehead would be missing? Relax, Barlow’s got us all covered. He’s here to let us know that everything will be perfectly fine. Perhaps we should replace Prince Philip with him? What, who said that? Oh my God. Barlow is sending us all subliminal messages with his piercing stare. He wants in. Gary Barlow for Prime Minister. What, who’s typing this? My hands have been possessed by Gary Barlow. Lord Gary Barlow.
So what does the rest of 2017 hold, according to Gary Barlow’s official calendar?
We’re all going to cook more in September and laugh while we’re doing it because vegetables are just so gosh darn funny. Lol.
We’re all going to look like concerned Dads rounding up the kids for dinner in October. We’ll still keep our top three buttons open because it’s going to be a deceptively warm October this year, perhaps the warmest on since meteorological records began.
We’re all going to have to make an unscheduled court appearance in November. It’s nothing serious, just a mild traffic offence that will result in a £5,000 fine and six months in jail along with a lifetime driving ban. Could be worse though, you could’ve run out of skinny ties.
Something deeply disturbing is going to happen in December. So disturbing that Gary Barlow won’t even be able to look us all in the eye. Either way, be wary of December 2017. That is an order coming directly from Gary Barlow’s vacant stare.
