More like Dismayed In Chelsea, am I right?
I watched my first episode of Made In Chelsea today. I say watched, but what I mean is hate-watched. For those that are unfamiliar of the practice, it involves subjecting yourself to something that you’re 100% certain you’re going to dislike, usually for comedic gain.
Knowing literally nothing about the show nor the characters (apart from the fact that they’re all insufferably posh), I wanted to learn about this bizarre world that they’re part of.
Are posh people just like you and I? Here are my findings.
Posh people are incapable of sustaining meaningful conversations
This is an actual word-for-word excerpt of a conversation that was held between two posh boys:
Posh Boy 1: Mate that’s just not right, you guys need to sort it out. You need to sort it out cos you guys have been boys for a very long time.
PB 2: Mate, it’s so good to have you back.
PB1: Mate, always here to have your back, brother.
PB2: …Just to have a proper conversation. Like, I haven’t had one for months.
I’m sorry, what? That’s a proper conversation, posh boy? That you have craved for weeks upon weeks? You yearned for your gender to be pointed out and then reminded that this also posh boy has got your back?
Even more hysterical, it transpired before this Shakespearean exchange of words that Posh Boy 1 had actually kissed Posh Boy 2’s girlfriend a while back. But not to worry, they are both male and he definitely has his back. End scene.
Posh people have the proper outfit for every occasion at their disposal
Four of the posh kids decided to play tennis together and miraculously all turned up perfectly kitted out in white shorts, skirts, jumpers, t-shirts and privilege. There wasn’t a Kappa tracksuit nor ill-fitting pair of Nike Air Max to be seen. These affluent folk just somehow had the perfect attire ready to go in the event of a spontaneous game of racquetball.
Yes, I’m aware that this show is defined as ‘structured-reality’, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that there is a costume department for these poshos. I’m fully sure that they had those tennis overalls ready to go in their wardrobes, right beside their scuba gear and pristine tiddlywinks gloves.
The posh people on Made In Chelsea have the poshest posh people names I have ever heard
I didn’t catch a lot of the names, but Wikipedia has helped to remind me that there was a Toff, Mimi, Mark-Francis, PROUDLOCK (as in a lock that is proud), Binky, Fredrik, Julius and Victoria. If you got a focus group together and asked them to come up with as many posh names as possible, you still wouldn’t have the level of gravitas with which these children’s parents concocted their insufferably posh names.
To get your Made In Chelsea name, simply combine your Mum’s poshest friend’s name with your favourite pick n mix item. Mine’s Mildred Liquorice-Torpedoes. What’s yours? Answers on a postcard please.
It’s hard to tell the difference between someone a posh person and a person that simply has a cold
At least a dozen times during the course of this episode of Made In Chelsea, I found myself having sympathy for three separate characters that I believed to have been struck down by a dreadful head cold. God bless these sweet millennial angels for powering through a bout of ill health for the sake of our ‘structured-reality’ entertainment. They are nothing short of heroic, I thought.
Then I witnessed them performing tasks such as golfing, attending gigs and drinking a large amount of alcohol which suggests they weren’t sick at all. They are so insufferably posh that their nasal passages have somehow permanently clogged with affluence and good fortune. Their multi-layered clothing suggest an illness, but it is merely a display of wealth. That isn’t a cold, it’s poshness, both successfully rid by a cocktail of medication.
Posh girls and posh boys have very different definitions of fashion
One of the girls, whose name is *reads smudged handwriting* Bolivia, wore a literal ballgown with some sort of jacket/shawl hybrid to go for coffee. There are so many potential hazards at stake here I can barely muster the courage to go through them. What if she missed her gob and horsed a latte all over her dress? Dry cleaning takes ages, posh people do not have the time for that!
In contrast, her date looked like a nerdy cartoon character that had grown up and somehow escaped the troubled adulthood that often follows the curse of being a successful child, but still dabbled in it. Why are the standards so varying for posh people? Can they get away with fashion crimes better than us muggles because they’ve inherited loads of money? Fuck the fuck off, respectfully.
Russell Brand’s latest role is really impressive
Although it hasn’t been noticed by many, I’m fully sure that Russell Brand is playing the role of the poshest man alive, Mark-Francis, on Made In Chelsea. Sure, he’s smartened up a bit and absolutely nailed the accent, but I’m positive it’s him. His trademark sense of humour is still thankfully there, as Mark-Francis nailed what I deem to be the joke of the episode when he said the following:
“I remember when I first learned to play the piano, my piano teacher said ‘Good lord, it’s your fifth lesson, why do you want to play an entire sonata?’ and I said ‘Well, because I’m not going to be playing Baa Baa Black Sheep for the rest of my life, I don’t want to start with that. I want to start with Beethoven’s symphony'”.
Just in case your sarcasm detector isn’t working today, I was being sarcastic. That is not a joke, but deeming it to be the joke of the episode gives a very clear indication of how devoid of humour posh people are.
Posh girls have the most passive-aggressive conversations in the world
Two girls (I am not sure how close they are) were discussing one of the girl’s relationship with a boy. The becoupled girl was explaining that she’s really happy and instead of congratulating her, the other girl told her to be careful because ‘you know what boys are like’, then made a similar face to the one in the image above.
Why can’t posh girls just be happy for their posh girl friends? It was uncomfortable to watch their attempts at posh one-upping each other. The single girl wasn’t entertaining her loved-up friend’s tales of passion without slipping in several sly digs at the shortcomings of the male species as a whole. “I love him”, “Yes but he is a male and Hitler was also a male so be careful”.
Posh people are really awkward at gigs
I had my suspicions about this one prior to watching Made In Chelsea, but the show has fully confirmed it. Posh people do not know how to handle themselves at music gigs. Sure, they’d nail the etiquette at an opera, but put a bottle of Becks in their hands and tell them to sway to the Klaxons and you’re setting yourself up for a massive loss.
Rather than simply nod their heads and gently sway to the beat, these posh peeps tend to congregate in awkward semi-circles whilst bound by their shoulders as if performing Auld Lang Syne at the turn of the new year. Russell Brand’s character was a joy to behold, as he made his distaste for indie music very clear. Posh Russell Brand, a genuine hero amongst men.
Conclusion:
In summary, the posh people on Made In Chelsea are far posher than I had initially thought. I recommend the show if you enjoy hate-watching things. I do not recommend the show if you hate posh people.
Images via Channel 4
