Day 18
I’m A Celeb has evolved, just like a Pokémon. It is no longer a reality television series for celebrities that need a bit of cash. It is now life. Please adjust your routine accordingly.
Last night’s episode was extremely wholesome, perhaps even too wholesome. Fleur and John smashed the Bushtucker trial like a couple of champs and Nick Knowles sang his song (that’s currently #1 in the iTunes charts, in case you hadn’t heard) far more times than should be legally permitted on the continent of Australia.
The long-awaited best part of the series took place, where the celebrities all got to go for a feed of pints and nibbles in the Jungle Arms pub. It was heartwarming television as we got to see the campmates getting tipsy off precisely one beer each, then losing their collective reason when a plate of chips arrived at the table.
Here’s six hilarious moments you might’ve missed on last night’s I’m A Celeb.
1. Anne Hegerty finally lost the will to live and it was at the grubby little hands of Nick Knowles
After Nick learned that his song had reached the number one spot in the iTunes charts, he took the high road and kept that information safe in his thoughts. Just kidding, he kept saying things like “Wow, I just can’t believe it”, then launching into random verses of the song and trying to get other people involved so he didn’t feel like a massive narcissist singing his own song over and over again. Anne Hegerty has overcome great adversity to remain in that jungle for 18 days. She’s tired, hungry and fed up of everyone. This was it, this was breaking point for the Governess. Nick Knowles broke her. She may never chase again. Knowles will fry for what he has done. The man is a monster. He’s still singing at this very moment.
2. Nick Knowles is now officially cancelled after he revealed himself to be a moon landing denier
Of course they landed on the moon, Nick. How else would we know what the moonwalk looks like? The man is cancelled, it’s over. Anyone that’s stupid enough to get into an argument with Anne Hegerty about history doesn’t deserve to exist anymore. She’s a walking encyclopaedia and knows, as you can imagine, absolutely everything about absolutely everything. Nick’s logic was flawed, which Anne gleefully pointed out, but he persisted with his knowledge taken from the Jim Corr school of thinking. Nick Knowles is no longer a thing. In one single episode of I’m A Celeb, he went from a hero to less than a zero. Minus five, even. Farewell Nick. It was fun while it lasted.
3. Kiosk Kev implicated himself as a double-jobber and will now face a hefty fine by the Australian authorities as a result
Ever wondered what Kiosk Kev does outside the three minutes a day he spends working in the Outback Shack? Me either, but I subconsciously presumed that he just stood behind the counter, eagerly awaiting the arrival of some jungle customers, maybe a snake or a member of the I’m A Celeb production crew who fancies paying $100 for a handful of scampi fries. Turns out he moonlights as a bouncer who wears a luminous football captain’s armband for some reason. He keeps the hat on, evidently for fashion reasons, but maintains the same stony-faced expression for this job as well. People give out about the millennial work ethic and they’re right to. Kiosk Kev is an entrepreneur but it will cost him heavily in taxes. Please donate to his Kickstarter.
Â
4. Harry hallucinated his quiz question for gaining entry to the Jungle Arms
It’s been 18 days and Harry Redknapp has only consumed jam roly-poly ONCE in that time. The man has lost his reason. All he wants is a bit of jam-soaked sponge twisted together in an aesthetically pleasing manner, with a hot custard accompaniment. When the celebrities were faced with a series of quiz questions to gain entry into the jungle pub, Harry was the last to get one correct, which was entirely down to the fact that he was hallucinating the entire time. He couldn’t think straight, his mind was elsewhere, fantasising about bathing in a giant tub of jam roly-poly being fed by Sandra and an assortment of premier league footballers. I’m A Celeb has broken him in ways that only a sponge cake can fix.
5. Emily Atack lost her goddamn mind over a plate of chips
Look, it’s fair enough. The celebrities haven’t had nice food in over two weeks. They’re hungry, irritable, stinky and bored. The sight of an I’m A Celeb crew member strolling into the jungle pub with two plates full of chips was always going to result in intense excitement among the celebrities, but Emily Atack’s reaction was unprecedented. She yelped, she screamed, she bellowed through the Australian outback. Her eyes lit up, her whole face changed shape. This was about far more than chips. This was a lifeline that Emily desperately needed. If she’s thrilled about a plate of chips, just wait until she learns about Tim Tams when she leaves the I’m A Celeb jungle, or alcohol. She’s in for a treat.
6. Harry Redknapp proved himself to be a better entertainer than the man who is currently at #1 in the iTunes chart
Nick Knowles, a man who we have just cancelled because of his utterly batshit views on the moon landing, has now also been cancelled in the music industry as well. His lacklustre performance of ‘Make You Feel My Love’ was obliterated by Harry Redknapp’s version of ‘My Way’, which he mostly talked his way through. But as we all know, a performance is about so much more than just singing. Combine Harry’s voice with his popped collar, sparkly microphone and staggeringly confident demeanour, and what you’ve got here is a superstar in training. With a few vocal lessons, a quick image overhaul and a smidge of makeup, he could go all the way to the judges’ houses. Nick Knowles, to reiterate, is cancelled. Harry Redknapp is now the winner of I’m A Celeb 2018. Got it? Good.
Images via ITV
