Joe Agony Uncle Matt Berry on life’s greatest problems…

Dear Uncle Matt, 

I have a full chest of hair, which I don’t have a problem with. But now my back is getting hairy, which I do mind. I’m thinking about waxing it, but how far do I go round the front? 

Tim, Blackburn

Good question Blackburn. But you’re possibly asking the wrong man. I say wrong man as I’m not sure how most gals feel about hairy-backed men, you’d have to ask some.

Speaking personally, and you’re not going to like this, I was follically fortunate (so far, touch wood) in that all of the hair grew on my head and I don’t have hardly any hair anywhere else.

Now, I’m sure you’re thinking ‘good for you yer smug c**t’! Thing is, I always wanted lots of chest hair like Sean Connery when he swam in the sea as Bond. I got a bit, but not much. So, what I’m saying is there is always someone who will like what you’ve got, and you’re always going to want something, someone else has.

One man’s meat is another man’s poison, is what they say (unless you’re Jeffery Dahlmer). So, unless the back/body hair gets out of control in a Richard Keyes deal, and your girlfriend’s not complaining, I’d let nature take its course.

Dear Uncle Matt,

I live in a central part of London and want to get a Smart car for work as it is exempt from the congestion charge. Is it going to be a problem when I go out on dates? Would you tell them it is a rental car?

Stuart, London

This ‘is my car good enough?’ seems to be a common gripe amongst you fellas. I don’t get it?

Maybe it’s a small town/rural issue, but I’ve never been out with a girl who has ever given a square s**t about what kind of car I’m driving. It has never come up.

I understand this could be connected to living in London, which relies on its public transport and black cabs, but no girl has ever asked me if I own car, or if I’m even able to drive. We’re usually too busy talking about bands, ghosts or the Kama Sutra.

I don’t know what to say to you Stuart, tell her they only sell Smart cars to smart fellas? Or tell her it’s your Dad’s boyfriends car? I’m guessing either of those will get a conversation started.

Dear Uncle Matt,

I’m thinking of having an affair with one of my girlfriend’s friends. I need some advice from someone who doesn’t know me and who might give me a proper answer, rather than it would be a c***y thing to do.

I love my girlfriend but fancy her mate. I’m confused. Help?

Anon

Dear Anon (I’m assuming your name is actually Anon, rather than the abbreviation for the word anonymous).

Two ways to go here Anon…

1) Begin an affair with your girlfriend’s friend, and then slowly watch that one act destroy your relationship, break your girlfriend’s heart, ruin her friendship with the girl your having an affair with (may not be a bad thing as she clearly ain’t much of a friend) and destroy your friendships with everyone concerned.

All this will occur before your girlfriend’s mate loses interest (this will happen) in you, and leaves you with with the square root of f**k all due to you monumentally sh***ing on your own doorstep.

Or,

2) Don’t do it. Life continues as it has with a girlfriend you love.

Your choice brainiac…

Dear Uncle Matt,

I fancy this girl at work and she’s always really nice to me and we laugh a lot. The thing is I’m a 4 out of 10 and she’s an 8, clearly I’m punching above my weight. Am I wasting my time asking her out?

Tony, Manchester

If she does decline, you’ve lost nothing. You’re still exactly the same person, stood on exactly the same spot, no richer, or poorer, no different than you were seconds before you asked the question. You’ve truly lost nothing.

If however, she says yes, then your life (if you play your cards right and don’t blow it) could radically change, and for the better.

To quote Del-Boy, (who was actually misquoting the SAS) He Who Dares Wins – a misquoted motto which has never been truer in relation to asking someone you fancy out.

You may think of yourself as a 4, she may see you as a 6. You see her as an 8, she may not be as confident as she looks and see herself as a 6 – Bingo!