1. Idris Elba
Photo: John Sciulli / Getty
Idris Elba is already pretty busy being the new James Bond, the new Doctor Who, the new leader of the Conservative party and the new England manager, but if he could squeeze Top Gear into his schedule then he could be the perfect choice.
2. Nigel Farage
Photo: Dan Kitwood / Getty
Some may argue that appointing a controversial, grey-haired, right-wing man who loves booze, fags and offending people as the host of Top Gear makes absolutely no sense, but sometimes you just have to take a risk. Farage would be the perfect man for the job, since his face already looks like he’s driving a convertible supercar at 200mph.
3. David Schwimmer, Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Matthew Perry and Lisa Kudrow
Photo: Warner Bros
Hiring five presenters to replace just one man might sound costly, but hear me out. They could cut costs by selling the studio, and instead present the show mainly from the sofa of a New York coffee shop. Rather than waste money on driving extremely expensive cars around racetracks, they could just sit and talk about their lives. Maybe some of the presenters could date each other? This could totally work.
4. Jamie Vardy
Photo: Laurence Griffiths / Getty
Jamie Vardy’s having a party, bring your Porsche and your Ferrari. We’d just have to hope none of the producers start chatting shit, or history could repeat itself.
5. That kid from that Frosties advert from 2006
Photo: YouTube
Remember this kid? The one who everyone at your school said got bullied so badly for this advert that he killed himself. Well, shockingly, that was actually a complete lie. It’s time we got him back on our screens. We could even replace Matt LeBlanc with Tony the Tiger and get the dream team back together.
6. Top Gear Dog
Photo: Reddit
People say Top Gear has gone massively downhill this season, but actually the show’s never been the same since they got rid of its true star – Top Gear Dog. She was really good at lying down and also doing lots of sick everywhere, which is basically all you need from a TV presenter, especially when they’re this fluffy.
7. Mary Berry
Photo: BBC
We didn’t know it before, but our lives will never be complete until we get to see Mary Berry racing Matt LeBlanc flat out across Europe in a Lamborghini Murciélago, occasionally stopping by the side of the road for a cup of Earl Grey and a slice of lemon drizzle cake.
8. The other Chris Evans
Photo: Kevin Winter / Getty
It must really suck being the British Chris Evans. You spend your whole life working hard on your career, becoming a well-respected TV show host and a popular radio DJ, only for some ridiculously hot young American bloke with exactly the same name as you to turn up, become Captain America, get about 15x more famous than you and steal all your Google searches. The only thing worse would be for him to steal his job too.
9. Jeremy Clarkson
Photo: Paul Gilham / Getty
Think about it – he’s a seasoned television presenter, he knows how to pull in an audience, and he absolutely loves cars. It’s mad that Clarkson has never been considered for the Top Gear job before.
10. A pair of bootcut jeans and leather shoes
Photo: highsnobiety.com
No one would ever notice any of the old presenters were even gone.
11. Alan Partridge
Photo: BBC
Top Gear’s critics have always said the show focuses too much on expensive supercars and not enough on the average driver – but Alan could change that. He could have a thrilling debate with Eddie Jordan about what the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre would mean for motorists and review the best kinds of driving gloves – but he’s not driving a Mini Metro.
12. Ronnie Pickering
Photo: YouTube
Some say he screams at innocent motorcyclists through the window of his red Citroën Picasso, and once caught a salmon with nothing but his bare hands. All we know is he’s called RONNIE PICKERING. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? RONNIE PICKERING. YEAH, ME.
13. The Queen
Photo: Chris Jackson / Getty
Just imagine it, old Lizzie roaring round hammerhead in the Bugatti Veyron, screaming her fucking nut off as she breaks the all-time lap record, ripping The Stig’s helmet off and snogging him on the mouth. This is what we need to bring Top Gear back to the glory days – BBC, do your thing.
