“You awright?” “Yeah, you awright?” ad infinitum.
Philip Schofield was hosting the British Soap Awards on Saturday night, an event that gets a bit rowdy due to all those intoxicating, flammable personalities such as Danny Dyer and Philip Schofield.
The clash of the titans actually happened this time round, as the event was televised live for the first time ever. A very happy coincidence.
The exchange started off well, with the pair looking longingly into each other’s eyes and asking if, in fact, the other was “awright”.
As it turns out, both men were, yes, they were awright.
“You awright?” Phil asked.
“Yeah, I’m awright. You awright?” Dyer responded, quick as a flash.
“I’m awright” Phil said, cool, calm and above all else, awright.
It was quite the Mexican standoff. It really was. Things quickly turned sour, however, when Danny Dyer asked Philip Schofield: “Do you want to make one with me?”
“I was just checking you were awright” Phil replied.
“I’m lovely. Beautiful” Danny assured.
And there was peace, if only for a second.
(These are all real quotes btw, this was the genuine exchange they had ready for the cameras, I’m not making this up)
Dyer, ever the reactionary, waited until Schofield began trying to present an award, before using his watchmaker’s precision comic timing to jump up and interrupt him mid-sentence, asking once again, defiantly:
“Do you want to make one with me?”
(A baby? A contestant for Robot Wars? A scarpbook about feelings and colours?)
And it was, at this point, the real Philip Schofield decided to stand up and be counted.
“Sit down you fackin’ mug before you catch these hands” was what I wish he would have said, but in fact, it was only: “Leave it, you. Sit down. I’m in charge here mate.”
And just like that, the immovable object had met the unstoppable force, and had won. For now…
Oh, and Danny Dyer’s daughter Dani Dyer is on Love Island starting Monday. You might want to check it out. Or not. It’s your own time. Really not arsed.
