Spoiler: They’re all called Chad
The Bachelorette is back for its fifteenth season. For context, that’s fourteen more series than Freaks and Geeks ever got and fifteen more series than my idea for the spinoff ‘How I Met Your Fresh Prince In The Middle’ got.Â
Regardless of your opinion on the premise of the show (girl dates 33 guys, subsequently picks her favourite and proposes), it consistently pulls in millions of viewers per episode each year, meaning it’s very clearly a popular show and the world is garbage.
But time is precious. Who can honestly commit to finding the time to watch eleven lengthy episodes of this structured reality show just to find out who wins when we can and will figure it out right now?
I’ve worked out the winner of The Bachelorette 2019 using nothing more than the newly-released promo photographs and some imagination. I’m confident in the system.
Behold our champ.
33. Luke
Luke won’t be winning Hannah’s heart because he is too busy being a magician who wanders around the corridors at Uni looking for unsuspecting victims for his latest card trick which involves a very blatant switching of the deck. You can see it poking out of his jacket in the photograph. Also, he talks in a British accent despite being a thoroughbred American, which really doesn’t make sense and if anything impinges on the magic.
32. Joseph
Joseph has three front teeth and that’s going to prove a distraction for Hannah because she was raised with traditional and wholesome values. In her eyes, a man should have two clear front teeth, surrounded by two lateral incisors, two canines and then the molars. It boils down to right and wrong. If a man can have three central incisors, where do we draw the line? Can people marry their dogs? Can they identify as stalagmites? Is pie even 3.14?
31. Joe
Joe can’t win The Bachelorette because he is very clearly the guy at the gym who stares at you while you struggle to figure out how the new machine works. He knows exactly how to use it but gets a perverse kick out of watching you try to lift 20kg with your elbows while panting like a pig. You can’t be certain, but you’re pretty sure you saw him filming you one time. He probably captioned it ‘amateur’ and then posted it to his 14 Instagram followers.
30. Ben
Ben won’t be able to focus on the competition because he’s too busy being the eccentric best friend of the lead character in a romcom movie starring Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl. He’s sarcastic, but a good friend. Ultimately, he’s too busy for love but ends up finding it with his best friend’s love interest’s best friend, albeit begrudgingly given that they hated each other at first. He wears plaid shirts throughout the entire movie.
29. Thomas
Hannah won’t be interested in Thomas because he’s going to spend the whole time they’re together trying to sell her a house. He doesn’t even have time to iron his shirts, he just wears them straight out of the packet, such is Thomas’ preoccupation with providing prime properties in up-and-coming areas at incredible prices to anyone that’ll listen. Hey, play your cards right, he’ll even throw in a free carwash with the sale. Why? WHY NOT.
28. John Paul
JP won’t win Hannah’s affection because he’s too busy looking like all of Taylor Swift’s boyfriends moulded into one. He’ll be fielding various press interviews, answering questions such as ‘Did Taylor write a song about you?’ and ‘Is it okay to like Tom Hiddleston again because he was very good in The Night Manager and that’s becoming increasingly hard to ignore?’. The answers are yes and whenever you feel you’re ready.
27. Matt
Kiss goodbye to your chances of winning The Bachelorette, Matt, because you are very clearly an imposter contestant. You’re not looking for love, you’re looking for a sales job at any firm that provides a work phone and free drinks on a Friday evening. You welcome the opportunity to saunter around the office with exposed ankles and precisely zero socks making loud phone calls to “the lads” discussing why you think monogamy is a myth.
26. Hunter
Hannah won’t buy into Hunter because he’s far more interested in convincing her to buy AppleCare with your iPhone. It’s relatively inexpensive when you figure out how much it would cost to replace a cracked screen without insurance. Plus, it gives you peace of mind. Sometimes accidents happen, but with AppleCare, you can minimise the damage before it even occurs. Talk to your Apple sales rep today about the right cover for you.
25. Matthew
Matthew is a thumbless man who cuts his hair using a protractor, compass and spirit level. He fills his days asking waiters and waitresses if they have anything on the menu that contains breastmilk and if not, can they adapt the recipe if he provides his own. Matthew isn’t embarrassed by his affinity for what he refers to as ‘tiddy milk’ because the nutritional benefits far outweigh the gentle ribbing he’s come to expect every time he consumes it.
24. Jed
Jed combs his hair using a spoon and only uses ‘Jed’ for his vocabulary. It started after he watched Game of Thrones and fell in love with Hodor. From there, he lost his job, family, friends, everything. People got sick of this practical joke that soon became a lifestyle overhaul. Jed can’t saying anything other than ‘Jed’. It has led to five arrests, a very confusing trip to the cinema and three failed relationships to date. “Jed” – Jed.
23. Dustin
Dustin isn’t on The Bachelorette to find love, he’s looked at the statistics, he knows the odds. Instead, he’s trying to lowkey launch his latest Instagram page which centres around mens fashion and nailing the right pose which suggests that you’ve just gotten two items from a vending machine having only actually paid for one. He’ll slip it into conversation with Hannah saying things like “So are you on Insta?” or “Can you follow me on Insta?”.
22. Devin
Looking for an exclusive invite to the hottest club in all of Costa del Sol? Well buddy, look no further as Dustin is here to slip you a free entry voucher that also entitles you to any drink that costs less than €5. He’ll be in the club later on during the night if you want to hang out, take a selfie or hook up haha whatever he’s a chill dude. You’ll see him delivering newspapers to the hotels the next morning because the grind simply never stops, baby.
21. Dylan
It’s your friend’s brother! The one that used to take his PlayStation out of the sitting room when he was booted out for being annoying to prevent anyone else from using it. He’d also put his hand over the TV sensor so nobody could change the channel. One time he slipped a worm into your drink. He was a demon, but he’s all grown up now! That’s right, Dylan got abs and a newfound sense of self. Also he spent 6 months in prison so he’s tough now.
20. Brian
Jokester Brian took it very seriously that one time someone, as a joke, told him that he should be a comedian. He spent $5,000 getting comedy lessons and despite being advised that the industry would never “get” him, Brian persevered and booked out an entire week in his nearest theatre for a headline billing. His family turned up and their reviews included “Oh okay” and “Why is he doing this?”. Hannah will not like Brian. At all.
19. Daron
Hannah won’t fancy Daron because he buckles his belt weirdly. Look at it, he’s got it on way too loose and it’s tucked in badly. Try as they might, this will be impossible for any potential love interest of Daron’s to ignore. It’s unnatural. The man has to manually hitch his pants up every time he stands. Life is too short to be adjusting your pants all the time. The Bachelorette deserves a man that knows how to use a belt, in the cleanest sense.
18. Cameron
Cam’s just learned about the benefits of a plant-based diet and he can’t wait to tell you all about it as you sip Boba Tea atop a mountain that took three hours to hike and somehow takes four to descend. Hannah won’t entertain his outlook on life, not when she learns that he thinks burgers are sinful entities designed by powerful conglomerates to give us all temporary happiness but ultimately poison us very slowly into a life of despair. Fun!
17. Peter
Pete’s just learned the hard way that it takes 45 minutes for suncream to fully absorb before you should go outside, and he can’t wait to make that exact same mistake again today. Hannah won’t pick Peter because she needs a guy who isn’t a moron, a fairly reasonable request in the year of our Lord 2019, but Peter will persist, listing the ways in which he isn’t a moron. For example, he taught himself how to do taxes and he likes oats.
16. Grant
This is the fourth time we’ve seen a face exactly like Grant’s in this list, which is something that will also confuse Hannah. She’s going to very quickly figure out that most of these prospective love interests are actually the same person but in different clothes. Due to a totally understandable bout of confusion on her part, Hannah will slowly eliminate the guys with faces that say ‘I just think women should be the ones to kill spiders around the house now’.
15. Joey
Joey suffers from a condition known as ‘Can’t-find-his-light-itis’. It’s a rare disease that results in the afflicted being unable to find their light. It happens in photographs, but also in real life. He is permanently in the shadows, both literally and metaphorically. He will fail to stand out among the other contestants because it will be impossible to find him without a torch on hand. Hannah famously hates using torches, so this will not end well.
14. Johnathan
Johnathan knows what you did last summer and won’t hesitate to use it against you in a court of law. Sure, the jury wouldn’t give a shit that you nudged a parked car in a carpark, then continued driving out of there, but you will. It will chill you to your core to know that someone else saw what happened. Your insurance premium is screwed, wave goodbye to your no claims bonus and frequent bragging that you are a very good driver. The jig is up.
13. Garrett
Garrett welcomes you to this clothes shop and wants you to give him a shout if there’s anything you need. He’ll then proceed to follow you around the shop, pointing out hideous garments and suggesting that you could definitely pull them off. His lust for commission is practically audible, as is his fondness for arresting aftershave scents. When you leave empty handed, he’ll condescendingly shout “Have a brilliant day”, then curse you to death.
12. Matteo
Initially, Matteo seems like a friendly guy, but before long, the smile fades and the truth comes out. Matteo is a Brony, has been for years. The other Bachelorette contestants will target Matteo, but he will use the calm he’s learned from the My Little Pony universe to centre himself. Then they’ll try to use violence and he will karate chop them all into standing down because he is also a Kony (Karate Kid fanatic). Hannah will be scared.
11. Connor
Connor once went traveling for six months and wears two bracelets to remind himself and others of that fact. He even wears them in the shower, despite the wood starting to go a bit funny around the sides. Still, it’s a small price to pay to have a portable conversation piece on his wrist at all times. Connor really found himself “in Europe”, he learned that coffee can be drank at any time during the day, and you can stop talking without being asked.
10. Kevin
You might think you’re losing your mind having definitely seen Kevin on this list already, possibly four times. These guys are all the same. They do the same poses and have the same precise amount of unkempt facial hair. Kevin isn’t like other guys though, he knows how to treat a lady. It’s easy and exactly how you look after the Christmas turkey. Smother in butter, baste and bake in the oven for a set amount of time calculated by weight. Serve and enjoy.
9. Chasen
Chasen got his name thanks to his voracious appetite for chasing his dreams. That’s right, Chasen is destined to be a gameshow host and will stop at nothing to make that aspiration a reality. He’s been dressing like Alex Trebek since he was four years old and is now appearing on The Bachelorette to raise his profile. Hannah will suspect Chasen’s ulterior motive when he continually launches general knowledge questions at her on their first date.
8. Tyler
Tyler’s here and he’s ready to convince a lady to love him. Unfortunately, he will remind Hannah too much of a guy she went to school with. He used to pick his nose during class and then eat it, loudly saying ‘Mmm, gourmet’ after every bite. That guy had a very similar smile to Tyler, one that could reverse the effects of global warming but was never given the opportunity to because it also suggested that he was in possession of inhumanely produced peanut butter.
7. Connor
Connor saves money on haircuts by asking his friend’s child, who is seven, to hack at his locks using a safety scissors and her imagination. He then uses the money to buy t-shirts that suggest he is a summer camp leader whose main rule is that there are no rules! Connor likes breathable material, the kind that lets your shoulders do the talking because your personality can’t keep up. Hannah will entertain him because his smile is enchanting.
6. Tyler
Tyler describes himself as a ‘modern day Superman’ because he gets changed in phone booths and loves the sensation of wearing his underwear outside his pants. This will tempt Hannah into a future with Tyler, but ultimately prove problematic when she suggests that they go out for a date that involves a tasting menu featuring kryptonite. Although Tyler isn’t technically allergic to kryptonite, he can’t risk jeopardising his cosplaying for love.
5. Scott
Scott was destined to be in a boyband from the moment he entered this world, but there was always one thing holding him back. He cannot sing. Thousands of dollars spent on vocal lessons have left him penniless and with a very sore throat thanks to the strenuous vocal warmups he tirelessly tried to carry out. Now, he must find another path in life. One that involves trying to woo a lady on the TV to better effect than 32 other guys. He won’t.
4. Matthew
Matt loves his Mom more than anything in this world. He would die for his Mom. He is going to accidentally call Hannah ‘Mom’ after their first kiss and although she will pretend not to hear him, it’s going to eat her alive. She’ll worry she can never live up to his Mom, but also feel strange that Matthew, after doing some kissing, was thinking about the woman who gave life to him. Hannah will send Matthew home, but PLOT TWIST she is actually his biological Mom.
3. Luke
There’s nothing in this world Luke loves more than cars, except money. He’s going to incessantly talk about cars during his time on The Bachelorette, and then it’s going to emerge that there was a rumour at school surrounding Luke and cars, specifically, that he had ~*relations~* with a car when he was 15. He’ll try to brush the rumour aside, but then video evidence will emerge online and it’ll be game over. Hannah prefers bikes anyway.
2. Ryan
Evidently, Ryan is just very happy to be out of the house. He usually sits around putting elastic bands on his fingers until they turn purple just to feel something. Then he’ll wash his hair in the following way – shampoo, rinse, shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse. His thick southern accent will comfort Hannah at first, but then alarm her as he continues to speak solely in Talladega Nights references. He’ll ultimately finish second, but in his eyes, if you ain’t first, you’re last.
1. Mike
Yes Mustard Mike! Get it, sir. Victory is preemptively yours in The Bachelorette 2019 because you seem nice. Although you were born without thumbs, you’ve never let that stunt your dreams of finding true love on a reality television show. Your smile frequently stops traffic, leading to law enforcement officials politely asking you to steer clear of the roads during rush hour. Hannah will be swooned by your charm and ability to dress exactly like Minion. Congratulations, champ!
Images via ABC
