Episode 7.
From the moment we’re born, we never stop learning. Right up until the day we die, we’ll still be learning things, such as ‘oh, I guess this is what it’s like to die then’.
I look upon every episode of trash television as a viable means of improving my understanding of the human race, no exceptions.
With that in mind, I decided to watch last night’s episode of Celebrity Big Brother.Â
I learned seven deeply important things, and now you can too.
1. Andrew off The Apprentice is a wizard and he is practicing sorcery in the house
He was in the bedroom changing the bed clothes and chatting to Ann Widdecombe, when Andrew, cool as a cucumber, successfully applied a duvet cover in approximately four seconds. I had to watch back the footage approximately eight times before I could make sense of what I was seeing. Andrew, rather than crawling inside the cover and using both arms and legs to somehow mash it into the corners, simply turned the cover inside out and grasped both corners with it, then flicked it down to fall down into place with perfect precision. There is no explanation for this other than witchcraft, sorcery and potentially the occult. Changing a duvet can only ever result in anger, tears and defeat, there is no other outcome for us mere mortals.
2. Wayne Sleep sleeps all the damn time
Nothing particularly of substance to add here, just thought it was pretty funny to see a man whose surname is Sleep sleeping. The guys were all gathered in the kitchen, most of them munching on crisps, as they awaited their summoning to the task, when Wayne Sleep saw it as a prime opportunity to have a quick kip on the couch. It was mesmerising, one minute he was chatting, the next Wayne was sitting bolt upright, fast asleep with his gob open catching flies. What else can we expect from Wayne Sleep on this year’s CBB? Wayne eat, Wayne smile, Wayne argue, maybe even Wayne dance. What a time to be alive.
3. Shane from Boyzone believes that lip liner goes on your eyelids
The boys were challenged to a multitasking contest, which involved cycling with high heels, applying makeup and making sandwiches all at the same time. Once he slipped his dainty feet into the heels, Shane got to work on applying the makeup, which consisted of exclusively using lipliner to paint both his lips and eyelids. Credit where it’s due, he’s nailed the open-mouthed expression that is a legal requirement for anyone when applying makeup to their eyes, so that’s something he should be very proud of. He might be a fool when it comes to the intricacies of beauty, but we’ll still love him, No Matter What.
4. Ann Widdicombe does not like watching men that are being subjected to pain
Frankly, it was hysterical to see Dapper Laughs, Andrew off The Apprentice, Jonny off Love Island and John Barnes going through the pain of childbirth. But Ann Widdicombe was horrified. She refused to watch, even turning her chair to get them out of her line of vision. Afterwards, she gave the rest of the girls a stern telling off for laughing, which was again, deeply hilarious. For a woman who appears to hate absolutely everything, she seems to be in the wrong place at present. Sure, she’ll support the death penalty, but watching some minor celebrities feel the sensation of child birth as part of a game? Heck no. Get out of here.
5. Wayne Sleep slept again, this time when Dapper Laughs was telling a story, so that’s fair enough
There’s a real danger that Wayne Sleep is suffering from undiagnosed narcolepsy at present. Throughout the course of last night’s show, he fell asleep in loud situations twice, both times with perfect posture and visible alertness aside from his closed eyes. Regardless of his shortcomings, it was a joy to behold Wayne Sleep going to sleep midway through a Dapper Laughs story. Was it intentional? Perhaps Was it hysterical? Absolutely, yes. Wayne Sleep is going to sleep his way to the final and he deserves every bit of glory that comes his goddamn way.
6. Ashley received a “face massage” which solely consisted of Andrew stroking her cheeks
With such skills, it’s a crying shame that Andrew’s business plan on The Apprentice wasn’t to run a massage business, because the man clearly knows his stuff. He commenced the service by rubbing Ashley’s forehead with a hand towel, then proceeded to stroke her cheeks in a downward manner. Unfortunately, due to the time constraints of the show, we didn’t get to see how the face massage came about. Did Ashley request it? Did Andrew spontaneously offer? Was it a task that required Andrew to be an awkward creep? We may never truly know. However it came about, Andrew should stick to hoping to get fired by Sir Lord Alan Sugar.
7. Dapper Laughs provided a stunning but unintentional impression of The Revenant
Regardless of your opinion of the man, Daniel does a spot on impression of Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from The Revenant. He was innocently sitting outside wrapped in a blanket, but his eyes spoke the words of a man that has sustained life-threatening injuries from a very angry bear. Sure, he might have been discussing with Andrew how the housemates are all being friendly to each other at the moment because they don’t want to get nominated, but his whole demeanour was elsewhere. Love him or hate him, that’s a spot on impression. His laughs may be dapper, but his impressions are even dapperer.
Images via Channel 5
