I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
It has recently come to my attention that there is a television programme in circulation at present called The Real Housewives of Cheshire. Not only has this been in existence without my knowledge, it appears to be six series deep. They have made and renewed and continued to make the show a total of six times. Truly, it beggars belief.
Because #SlowNewsDay, I’ve decided to subject myself to an entire episode of the show to see precisely how insufferable is it because I’m very much interested in self-flagellation.
Anyway, here are seven legitimately funny things that happened during the episode and therefore prevented me from drinking a freshly squeezed glass of bleach.
One girl told a guy that he looked like a barcode, then realised that she too looked like a barcode
My knowledge of the characters and their livelihoods is hazy, but it appeared that one of these housewives owns some type of shop and has chosen to dress her employees like slightly more formal Footlocker staff. They were discussing plans when the housewife, who is technically not a housewife since she owns a business, said that she would be introducing pricing guns and barcodes into the shop. At this point, one lady said that the gentleman on the left was already “dressed like a barcode”, at which point the housewife quipped “so are you”. They all erupted into perfectly affluent laughter at the realisation that every member of staff was dressed like a barcode. It was actually quite funny and provided some much needed comic relief from the everyday occurrences of a phoney housewife.
This housewife described her style as “classy”
Before I go to town on this one, I must disclose that I have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever and am in no position to be casting remarks about anyone else’s description of their own personal style. Now that that’s been acknowledged, we need to break down the word ‘classy’. The Oxford English dictionary describes ‘classy’ as ‘stylish and sophisticated’, it describes ‘sophisticated’ as being ‘worldly experienced’. So now that we’ve got our definitions sorted, we need to look deep inside and ask ourselves whether this lady’s outfit resembles these properties listed above? Personally, I feel not. Unless she is a master of comedy, this housewife is drastically misled by her own fashion capabilities. That of a bloodied zebra is not hugely classy in my book, nor the books of countless others.
Three of the housewives did a very lacklustre workout, then rewarded themselves with champagne
Obviously they did. Of course they did. Firstly, they made fun of each others’ varying degrees of suitable exercise clothing, then remarked about how hot the trainer was, suggesting that the workout was only organised as a means to ogle over him, then performed a very gentle exercise session on the front lawn. Once they had sufficiently gotten enough airtime, the ladies wrapped things up and took a seat on the garden furniture that was definitely wet. The quirkiest housewife of the bunch (as evidenced by her jaunty attire), produced a bottle of champagne. Assumedly, their workout was undergone with a view to improving their fitness and overall wellbeing, so the suggestion that they would then guzzle 95 calories per glass of hooch should’ve been met with outrage. Instead, it was met with open arms and even more open gobs.
They took a vote at the dinner table to see if one of the housewives’ daughters should get a boob job
I wish I made this up, but I’m not capable of inventing something so deliciously sinister with my educational background. There was a big family dinner where one of the housewives proudly let us all know that she cooks, and as they were tucking in, her daughter decided to air an issue that had been on her mind. They posed the hypothesis to Dad (as well as both sets of grandparents) that the daughter would get a boob job because she hasn’t got enough body confidence. When it was met with resistance, Dad was asked if it’s not the exact same thing as him getting hair transplants because SPOILER ALERT he is unhappy with his hairline. It was a trojan comeback which gathered enough momentum to spur on a table vote on the matter. The motion appeared to be passed with a staggering five to three in favour of the boob job. People fought for a democracy in this country and they are probably proud as punch at present.
A younger and much more attractive housewife joined the group and they were all quietly seething
Look at the pain in their affluent little eyes. It is simply delicious. The housewife second from the left is introducing the housewife beside her and this is a situation that truly deserves to be narrated by David Attenborough. As the fellow housewives force painfully approving expressions on their faces, their eyes tell a different story beneath the sheaths of makeup they’ve applied. Immediately, they all feel insecure. Is this new housewife going to threaten their marriages? Will she look better than them at pilates? Are her kids better looking than theirs? Is that hair all her own? A million anxieties are flooding through these ladies’ minds at the moment pictured above, yet they still put on the charm offensive and save their grievances for a private cry later. Housewives are hysterical.
Everyone lost their minds over a set of twins
They may be housewives, but at the end of the day, they are all just Mums at heart. In the most Mum act of all time, the housewives lost their collective reason when it transpired that one of their fellow housewives had an identical twin. As someone who once overheard her mother remark to her father “That girl’s very tall over there, she must be near 6ft”, I am glad to learn that rich housewife Mums have the same etiquette whereby anyone that looks remotely out of the ordinary needs to be highlighted immediately. These housewives were hysterical, they couldn’t believe what they were seeing. The same person, but twice. It is a nonsense, surely. Were they being punked? No. This is real life for these even Realer Housewives of Cheshire.
The housewives were NOT impressed by a magic trick because they already have everything they need in life
It’s the equivalent of throwing a pigeon among a squad of street cats, whereby a magician was sent in to entertain a bunch of extremely wealthy Cheshire housewives. They’ve got it all: white clothes, fake teeth, an ample amount of fake tan and not-cheap-looking hair extensions. They don’t have an interest in sorcery. Yet this man, ever dedicated to his craft, arrived to do his best for them. When he produced a white dove inside a cookery pot, there was complete silence. These housewives have everything they’ve ever wanted at their disposal, your shitty little trick isn’t going to impress them buddy and they’re sure as shit not going to pretend to enjoy it.
Images via ITV
